Thread: Newly engaged and found porn DVD's in finance's closet??

Originally Posted by kscshell

Hey Everyone! Thanks so much for your input and advise! I truly appreciate it! We discussed it.... I am still somewhat dissappointed that I had to find it the way that I did and that at first he lied, but I will get over it and move on.... He has canceled the membership and mailed the DVD's back.
I have such trust issues from my last marriage. I hate it - but I bring those issues to this relationship even though I don't think my fiance' would ever cheat on me. It is just hard to get those thoughts out of my mind at times. I'm learning to trust and enjoy a safe relationship.... Life is just too short not too!
Thanks again! I love this website! I'm hooked!

Welcome to the forum!

Glad you are working on it. In most cases like ours (I am also a divorcee), we bring our old habits to our new life and it causes old stuff to resurface. what I read about how great marriages work is that it can stir up your old wounds but what makes it wonderful is the fact that it has the capacity to heal it - if DEALT with appropriately and promptly.

He might have watched porn before he even met you, but does it matter? You said you don't mind, so you made to right choice, and that is to move on. Now, the real issue is you. Remember that we can never change others but us and how we see things. I also have had my dose of trust issues and once in a while no matter how much I thought I have dealt with it, it still comes to bug me.

Here's what I learned to cope with it.

1. I journal my thoughts and feelings as vividly as I can ---VENT.

2. I have made 3 STOP signals in my mind. These stop signs are 3 things that I love about my loving husband, what he does, and why I love it and how it makes me so happy. Every time that negativity knocks, I tell myself to stop and I visualize one of these 3 feeling-good scenes and I immerse myself on how it feels like, how it tastes like and how it sounds like to live in that happy and loving moment with him.

3. I share out how I feel with him in a non-threatening manner. (I am still working on this one). How? Start by saying "I feel....., and end with "what do you think?" (i.e. "I feel hurt if you don't call me for 3 consecutive nights when we're away from each other....what do you think?") By doing so, you are focusing on your emotions and not blaming him on anything. The likelihood of him shutting down and putting up his defenses would be lowered.

Your man picked you, wants to marry you, meaning, he loves you. And he will learn to cherish you more and more if you can tell him how you feel, what you do not want, and what he thinks about it/how he can help. And because he loves you, he will do his best to make you happy. Remember that.