Seperating/divorcing feeling VERY guilty about my children

**lil' hawk** · 04-16-2010 06:15 AM

My husband and I have been married for 16 years. We have two children (ages 11 and 13). About ten years ago we seperated for 6 months and were in the final stages of finalizing our divorce when we decided to work things out. Now ten years later I find myself in the exact same position.

This came out of no where! Last week we were on a family vacation and having a good time, now here we are. He says he is not happy with anything in his life. That we have core personality conflicts that we just can't seem to overcome. Basically this means he is not happy because he feels like I don't initiate sex hardly ever, I don't make him feel desired or wanted, I don't wear lingerie. He also gets frustrated because he feels like I don't take care of myself. I HATE exercise, but I am not really overweight. I wear a size 8-10. I teach so I run around all day, plus go up and down stairs all day and night. So it is not like I am sedentary, and just sit around, eating doing nothing all day.

We still love each other, but he is miserable and when I think about it I think I am too. I am TIRED of feeling like I am not good enough. I am TIRED of feeling like when I try and put forth effort to address his issues he changes his rules and I just never seem to measure up to what he wants. We were doing GREAT when we got back together then two years ago he went back to grad school at night (while working as a teacher) to get his masters degree in psychology. During this time he was RARELY home. He worked, then went to class and would get home at 9 or 10 then work out. Nights he did not have class or on the weekends he would be out with his class mates studying or working on projects. He became very good friends with many of these people (all which are female and in their mid twenties).

Now the first time we went through this he was very immature and selfish. It was all about him. When we got back together he was much more family oriented. I believe that these 2 years away from being "grown-up" and being around all these young single kids has caused him to loose perspective and again he finds himself where he was 10 years ago. Thinking the grass is greener. I saw signs of this shift throughout the 2 years he was in grad school, but was hopeful once he finished he would "transition" back into the real world like before.

He is unsatisfied with us, home, his job, ect. He says all the time he feels like he will never really be happy. Then to top all this off he continues to battle depression and had a heart attack in December. So I personally feel all of this is what is contributing to his feelings and choices, and I strongly believe in time he will live to regret this choice. The incident that brought all this to a head is about a week ago we had a cook out and one of his friends from grad school ( we will call her suzy) came in from out of town and stayed the night. This is not unusual. And they normally stay up late chatting. Well this particular time I decided to try and stay up with them because I just knew something was off (it is very uncanning but I just get these gut feelings and KNOW things, this is what happened here). Finally at 2:30 AM I said I was going to bed but I stood at the steps listening to them. Well my husband began telling a fictional story that he made up as he went along. While telling this story he started going into very explicit detail about a prince and princess making out/having sex. I came back downstairs and his face said it all. He knew I was angry and he knew he was caught doing something VERY wrong. This is what opened up this can of worms and this incident is what started this whole process.

The problem is I am TIRED. I cannot go through this again. For the first time I can think about both of us staying good friends but living seperate lives and I am okay with that, at times even peaceful with that, but then I think about my children and I feel selfish and guilty. What are we doing to our children??? They never asked for this. How is this going to screw up their lives??? What problems are we inviting for them by doing this??? It BREAKS MY HEART I never wanted this for my children. They are going to be devastated and shocked. I am shocked. I was not expecting this so I know they won't be. When I cry its for my children.

I feel like I have been punched in the gut and my heart is being ripped out. I try to tell myself it will be better for them because they will get all the good/best from both of us and lose the bad. For example lately he has been very short tempered with them and snaps/yells at them for no reason. He is always working out and never spends time with them. When I get frustrated with him I get short with the kids. I am not motivated to do much either because of my issues with him. If we seperate/divorce the stress of always trying to meet his expetations will be gone and I can go back to being me, and enjoying my kids. He will have his indpenedence and alone time and when he sees them, may be more pleasant and fun. He said he just wants to be alone. He is happiest when he is alone. I do not really believe this because I also believe he has formed an emotional infidelity with "Suzy". I have felt this for sometime. He doesn't deny it, and is very defensive about her. I am telling everyone, I know this is an issue. When I thnk about that it breaks my heart and hurts as well. This makes me angry with myself. I just want to be at peace and want my children to be happy and well adjusted. What am I suppose to do????

We have discussed the layout of our plan to a certain degree. Like he would like to buy or rent a house within our subdivision so the kids can ride their bikes to see him when they want and he can play catch with our son when our son wants to. He would also be able to coninue to take them to school each morning. I am fine with this. Like I said I believe we can remain good friends through this and probably be happier after the awkwardness wears off, but what about my children. They will not be as optimistic about this. I have always worried about the challenges our youth face today, but I always gained comfort in knowing my kids did not come from a broken home like so many of the kids that have the "normal" issue (drugs, sex, behavioral issues, babies, ect). Now I am putting them more at risk to have all these issues and more. I don't know how to cope with the guilt I feel over this. I feel like a failure. Please help...

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-16-2010 03:12 PM

That we have core personality conflicts that we just can't seem to overcome.

Basically this means he is not happy because he feels like I don't initiate sex hardly ever, I don't make him feel desired or wanted, I don't wear lingerie. He also gets frustrated because he feels like I don't take care of myself.

Then to top all this off he continues to battle depression and had a heart attack in December. Then to top all this off he continues to battle depression and had a heart attack in December.

Well my husband began telling a fictional story that he made up as he went along. While telling this story he started going into very explicit detail about a prince and princess making out/having sex.

We have discussed the layout of our plan to a certain degree.

I have always worried about the challenges our youth face today, but I always gained comfort in knowing my kids did not come from a broken home like so many of the kids that have the "normal" issue (drugs, sex, behavioral issues, babies, ect). Now I am putting them more at risk to have all these issues and more

.

If your a size 8 - 10, then if not in Australia, that would be a 14 ,that's not over weight, but the fact that he stated "core" means that he has expectations, beliefs, core values, that he can not change.. He tried to the first time, but he can not.. That's him.

I think the Heart Attack and being around young ladies, is showing the "core" beliefs he has in a woman and those expectations.. And, therefore, there is a different match there and probably always was.

It does seem for sure, that men have emotions just like us and why wouldn't they? They want to feel, like "the man", that a woman "wants him", "desires him" thereby, initiates sex, and will wear sexy lingerie. So there, it's femininity, and desiring your man and always wanting to look good... Not the weight.

I don't know how you dress, your hair style, makeup, but if he is complaining about these things, then he wants to feel "the man", "loved and sexually attractive to you" and thereby, you being sexual, & feminine..

I imagine that is where the Prince and the Princess came into the picture, even if you forget the sex part that he fantastised about, for one minute.. He has this vision of how he sees his woman. You can't change that. Unless you become her. And, because you want to, it's within you and for love off course...

As for your children? He is offering to live very close by, they will still be very much within his life, the way children turn out is the way that you bring them up, and the "no you can't" verses sure... go... ensuring that you protect them as much as possible from this World of drugs etc... Without being over protective so they feel that they can never do anything.

It's all too common. Divorce, but ultimately, the children do not have to suffer, if you two can be Adults about this and still make equal management decisions, give the equal love and be there for them...

As for you personally, if you are happy within yourself, that's all that matters, never be something that your not, just find the partner who accepts you for who you are.

CW

**jns** · 04-18-2010 12:20 AM

Maybe you should talk with Suzy and find out her intentions. It sounds like they are having a love affair. She may not have any intention of being with a much older man if he ends up single. A love affair would explain your husband's depression and unhappiness. She probably would not want to be a stepmother to your children, so there is much to discuss. She should know that, in most cases, the stepchildren will not like her.

**sourpuss** · 04-18-2010 06:27 AM

Kids are a lot smarter than we give them credit for. I'd be willing to bet that they both are aware of how unhappy the both of you are. Divorce is always hard but so is watching your parents live a life that makes them unhappy. Ultimately, it affects everyone. Doing what you both need to do to be happy healthy adults hold a lot of weight with children, believe it or not. Both of your children are old enough to understand that. It will be hard in the beginning with the split and the going back and forth, but they will see in the end that it was the right thing to do.

**heryseshta** · 04-20-2010 05:17 PM

My mom divorced my dad when I was about 8. It was one of the best things that ever happened to us. No more hearing my parents argue, no more tension when walking into the room and I got a lot more attention because my mom was in a better mood. She actually felt guilty about divorcing my dad and remarried him, only to end up divorcing him again 4 years later. I actually begged her to divorce him again the second time. I have a much better relationship with them than if they had of lived together still. And my mom did eventually remarry, I love my stepdad as if he was my dad.
It all depends on how you handle it. Don't say bad things about your husband in front of your children, never have them relay messages. Keep in mind it is your divorce not theirs. Don't say nasty things about the woman that could possibly become their stepmother. And if you feel like you are having a melt down, don't be afraid to drop them off at a friends house for a sleep over or an extra night at their dads.
It's all how you handle it, if you act like a divorce is a horrible thing that they have to go through then they will will pick up on that. Show them that you have more time for them and I'm sure everything will turn out fine.
I don't feel that my moms divorce effected me negatively, in fact it showed me to be more careful in my relationships. I don't want to go through what my mom did, so I definitely am careful not jump into relationships too fast and I am careful about honesty. I am going to college, have what I feel is a very good relationship with my boyfriend and have never tried any drug.
Do what you feel like you need to do to keep you happy, the fact that you both are thinking about the kids well being during this difficult time is wonderful. It's nice to actually see reasonable parents who know their responsibilities to their children. They have a much better chance at growing up well then children of parents who are yelling in the kitchen or just not showing the love that should be there.

**lil' hawk** · 04-21-2010 05:18 AM

heryseshta,

Thank you so much for your input. It really helps to ease my worry and concerns. My husband and I never yell and scream at each other but I know at times there has been tension in the air, and we have both been short tempered with the kids because of our frustration with each other.

We just told them on Monday. My son is real quiet about it and doesn't show a lot of emotion about it. Once in a while he will cry, and ask a few questions. My daughter on the other hand is VERY emotional about it and is asking a lot of questions. Which we are encouraging. Last night she was very angry and nasty to everyone, which I keep telling myself is part of her healing process. We are all having dinner each night together (like we normally do) and each child is to have at least one question to ask during dinner that my husband and I will answer. This was one thing the counselor asked we do. We will meet with her (the counselor) again on Saturday and then again on Tuesday. I am hoping this will help with the transition as well.

Again, thank you all so much for your support and words of wisdom. I go for my first personal counseling session tomorrow. I am hoping it will also help me to find some peace with all of this. Thanks again!