Know I Need To Go...Too Tired To Do It!

**sunshine0903** · 04-17-2010 06:46 AM

I am in a sexless marriage. I have finally come to the conclusion that I want to get out. He is not going to change and I do not want to live a life with no intimacy whatsoever. We have been married 12 years and have four kids. I am not financially stable and he is even refusing to buy household items and food. I started sleepin in the kids playroom, last month. I just have no desire to even sleep in the bedroom, we have not had sex once last October. We rarely talk and it is a very dysfunctioal situation. He even refused to do the taxes with me because he did not want to give me any money. I am starting a temporary job in 1-1/2 weeks and am a full-time student. I have very little energy and feel overwhelmed. I had a brief affair almost 2 years ago. It was good to know that I am capable of having a normal intimate relationship because I was truly starting to doubt myself.

I know my marriage is no good for me but I feel stuck and it is draining me. I have gained weight although I am still very attractive. I wonder how could I even pack since I feel so lethargic, the energy that I do have I use for my children and for school. It is like he is trying to be cruel and provide as little as possible and make life as difficult as he can for me. I feel weighted down by the pressure emotionally, mentally and physically. I know that this is abuse on many levels. When I do divorce him, I feel like I will purposely try to stick it to him, because of the way he has treated me. He says that I am lazy and need to make more money, but putting a person down on a daily basis, offerering no type of connection is not a recipe for great confident wife. It takes everything I have in me just to keep going. This is so unhealthy for me and my kids.

I am looking forward to my job and believe that it will at least give me money and an incentive to push forward. I feel somewhat depressed but I am happy that I know that I will never try to work on my marriage anymore. He does not deserve me, I just need help figuring out how to turn things around. Any suggestions?

**WildChild** · 04-17-2010 07:25 AM

Sounds like you are depressed and small wonder given the situtation. Depression can cause you to have trouble acting in your own best interests, I know I've been there. Fortunately there is a none drug cure. GET OUT. You will probably be amazed at how quickly you start to feel better.

Start with a plan. Talk to an attorney- many do a free initial consultation to allow you to determine what they can do for you and if you are comfortable working with them. Start getting copies of all financial documents and legal papers. Do you have a freind or family member you can trust to keep them safe for you? A part time job is a good start but you will need more than that. What job skills do you have? Education? What will you need to be not only self supporting but to support your children as well? Even if the court awards maintence and child support you shouldn't depend on it actually being paid.

I think as you start to take action and lay the ground work to leave you will start to feel more energetic.

**sunshine0903** · 04-17-2010 07:50 AM

Originally Posted by WildChild

Sounds like you are depressed and small wonder given the situtation. Depression can cause you to have trouble acting in your own best interests, I know I've been there. Fortunately there is a none drug cure. GET OUT. You will probably be amazed at how quickly you start to feel better.
.

You are right, he was gone last year for 6 months and people were telling me that I looked better and I felt so much better. Our house was peaceful, the air felt better and I had more energy to clean and do things around the house.

I probably am depressed and am having difficulty making decisions that are in my best interests. My head feels cloudy. I just pray for the strength to keep moving forward.

I am a full time student. That is part of the problem. I do not want to quit school because that will help me to get a better job.

**Little** · 04-17-2010 07:56 AM

What's your degree going to be in? Is there any way you could go part-time? And how much time do you have left?
There is, unfortunately, no guarantee that school will get you a better job, and it may be advantageous for your mental and financial health to lessen your classload for the time being.
If he agreed to you going to school full-time and supporting you, he shouldn't be stingy and cruel about money - that's controlling and abusive. Document what he does in that vein. Try to record him when he says he won't buy food for the family. Consult with an attorney, like WC said, or someone who works for the state about what kind of help you can get when you move out.
There are options. Good luck with everything.

**sourpuss** · 04-17-2010 08:07 AM

Also, take out a separate savings account in your name and keep it secret from him. Have the statements sent to a friends house. Keep any and all money you can from your temp job so you have at least a little bit to get back on your feet.

**Hopeless Dork** · 04-17-2010 09:45 AM

It does sound like you are suffering from depression. It would be good to see your doctor for a physical to see if there is anything that could be contributing to your lack of energy and get it treated (iron deficiancy, thyroid issues etc) be sure to mention all of your symptoms and how you are feeling emotionally. He might reccommend you see a therapist to determain if medications for depression could benefit you.

I know that most of your problems with your husband are probably whats causing your depression and once you are out of that situation you might be able to find the sun again and energy ... but it ould be a good idea to make sure that you are in good physical and mental health as you begin to take on the task of leaving, which will add addiional stressers etc.

Your husband sounds toxic. Its good that recognize that. People fall in love, form relationships to have someone that supports them, makes them feel connected and cherished and it sounds like not only are you getting NONE of that but you are also being bullied, rejected, put down... who in the world would want that?

You and your children deserve to live in a home where more time could be spent on love and laughter and learning mutual respect. It doesn't sound like you have that enviornment with your husband.

See a doctor, make sure you are physically healthy and mentally prepared to take your nexts steps toward a happy life. Good luck with your job and savings toward getting a new place and hopefully a lawyer to help guide you through the seperation/divorce process and ensure your husband helps with his part of his responsiblity to your family.

**grrrr** · 04-19-2010 11:00 PM

Originally Posted by sunshine0903

He even refused to do the taxes with me because he did not want to give me any money.

What's your financial situation like? Is it even LEGAL for him to dismiss you from this? You two have children together.... get legal advice.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-20-2010 01:27 AM

4 children is alot of work, let alone, working part time, and studying full time...

You are going to need support from family/friends on this, you are not going to be able to do this alone.

Have you expressed your feelings to your family? If not it's time. You'd be suprised at what they will say once you air it all.

Your not totally broken. You recongise that you are still beautiful, you recongise that you do not want a loveless relationship, you recognise the abuse and you've made your mind up totally that this is the end, there is no love left, it's time to move on.

It is the hardest part, because when they treat you in this fashion and deny you finances, you can't see your way, your head is surely clouded.

First step is to get it off your chest, not just here but with people you love. You will not believe the weight lifted and in addition the strength that you gain, and will gain..

I know.. I've been there.

Secondly, you have to work out exactly the costs, with 4 children, where you can go and how you will manage.

However, after establishing this, then work out where you can go in the meantime. Because, you'll find that you will put it off otherwise.

And, yes, we are all in different parts of the World, leaving the house, may cause you financial problems in Divorce, so get your facts right.

Basically, start gathering, all the necessary information you need, to forge a plan to get to the end result and then DO IT.

CW

**Beautiful Disaster** · 04-20-2010 05:44 AM

Depending on where you live (are you in the US?) you'd be surprised at how well you could do as a single mother of 4 kids. First, you'd get child support. Possibly even alimony, depending on your situation. But aside from that, the government gives great financial aid to single mothers with low incomes trying to go to school. In KY it's quite common to even qualify for help with building a new (modest but still nice) home. I'm sure they offer that at other places too. In other words, do not let your depression and your exhaustion from this toxic relationship trick you into believing you can't do it on your own. You can. And I think you'll quickly realize it's actually easier. Much easier.

In my opinion, you are in an abusive relationship. You're suffering both emotional and economic abuse. He controls your feelings of intimacy, your feelings of adequacy, your feelings of attractiveness, your feelings of self worth = Emotional. He controls your finances, withholds from you purposely to make you unhappy = Economic. You don't have to be hit to be abused. And it sounds like you've fought the good fight, until you're exhausted, feel like you can't fight anymore. But you don't have to fight anymore.......now is time for fighting to stop and for LIVING to start.

After serving as juror on a murder kidnapping trial of a woman who was brutally murdered by her SO, I joined a site called Courage Network. Its a growing community of women (and a few men) who have suffered abuse from someone they loved. I joined the site as an advocate, determined to make a difference after my juror experience. I highly recommend you joining us there. Getting to tell your story and make friends who have been in your shoes, will give you strength and inspiration. And not only that, but it might just help one person to not end up in your situation....but if they do, you will be an example of how it is possible to get out. You'd be amazed at how many peoples lives you'll change. So contrary to what he makes you believe, the world needs you.

Time to live hun. For you, for your sweet babies. Time to break free. Time to LEAVE and LIVE.

Here's a poem by Maya Angelou that comes to mind:

I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings

The free bird leaps
on the back of the wind
and floats downstream
till the current ends
and dips his wings
in the orange sun rays
and dares to claim the sky.

But a bird that stalks
down his narrow cage
can seldom see through
his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and
his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings
with fearful trill
of the things unknown
but longed for still
and is tune is heard
on the distant hill for the caged bird
sings of freedom

The free bird thinks of another breeze
an the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn
and he names the sky his own.

But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing

The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom.

**pretzel** · 04-20-2010 05:53 AM

Originally Posted by Beautiful Disaster

Depending on where you live (are you in the US?) you'd be surprised at how well you could do as a single mother of 4 kids. First, you'd get child support. Possibly even alimony, depending on your situation. But aside from that, the government gives great financial aid to single mothers with low incomes trying to go to school. In KY it's quite common to even qualify for help with building a new (modest but still nice) home. I'm sure they offer that at other places too. In other words, do not let your depression and your exhaustion from this toxic relationship trick you into believing you can't do it on your own. You can. And I think you'll quickly realize it's actually easier. Much easier.

In my opinion, you are in an abusive relationship. You're suffering both emotional and economic abuse. He controls your feelings of intimacy, your feelings of adequacy, your feelings of attractiveness, your feelings of self worth = Emotional. He controls your finances, withholds from you purposely to make you unhappy = Economic. You don't have to be hit to be abused. And it sounds like you've fought the good fight, until you're exhausted, feel like you can't fight anymore. But you don't have to fight anymore.......now is time for fighting to stop and for LIVING to start.

After serving as juror on a murder kidnapping trial of a woman who was brutally murdered by her SO, I joined a site called Courage Network. Its a growing community of women (and a few men) who have suffered abuse from someone they loved. I joined the site as an advocate, determined to make a difference after my juror experience. I highly recommend you joining us there. Getting to tell your story and make friends who have been in your shoes, will give you strength and inspiration. And not only that, but it might just help one person to not end up in your situation....but if they do, you will be an example of how it is possible to get out. You'd be amazed at how many peoples lives you'll change. So contrary to what he makes you believe, the world needs you.

Time to live hun. For you, for your sweet babies. Time to break free. Time to LEAVE and LIVE.

Here's a poem by Maya Angelou that comes to mind:

I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings

The free bird leaps
on the back of the wind
and floats downstream
till the current ends
and dips his wings
in the orange sun rays
and dares to claim the sky.

But a bird that stalks
down his narrow cage
can seldom see through
his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and
his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings
with fearful trill
of the things unknown
but longed for still
and is tune is heard
on the distant hill for the caged bird
sings of freedom

The free bird thinks of another breeze
an the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn
and he names the sky his own.

But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing

The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom.

I don't think anyone could have spoken more eloquently and purposefully to the situation. I hope she reads this and realizes all is not lost.

I personally want to thank you for the Maya Angelou poem. It's been way too long since I've read her.