He Almost Cheated, how do I get past it?

**vikingfan23** · 04-17-2010 12:57 PM

I just found out last week that my husband of 2 years was willing to cheat on me with a girl he met on Facebook. He didn't know, but the girl was actually doing a research study on men who cheat and she had set up a fake account on Facebook and had photos (that weren't really her) but they were like modeling photos showing her body, butt. Anyhow she befriended my husband under the notion they went to the same highschool, only she said she had attended for only a semester or two before her family moved to NM, she said she remembered his name from him playing football. They chit chatted and things started getting more personal, he kept trying to get her to call him and gave her his cell #, she said she didn't have a phone right now, he even gave our home address to her and said for her to write a letter because he couldn't really talk on the computer because he shares it with his wife. She said she was really attracted to him and he said if she ever comes thru here to look him up, she said that could get dangerous , he said look me up anyway. She told him she had never been sexual with a black man, he said he would like to be her first. She asked if he had ever cheated on his wife before and he said no, not while we were married. She asked if he loved his wife, he said we had been friends for 20 years and I had helped him through alot of stuff, he loved me as a friend but that I don't know that, that I think he is in it for real. He said that we shouldn't have crossed that line, we should have stayed friends with benefits. She said why don't you just divorce if you don't love her, he said we have kids involved, she said why did you marry her and have kids with her if u didn't love her, he said because I have wanted to be with him for 20yrs and have kids with him and he felt guilty. After that she identified herself and her purpose that she was conducting a research study on men who cheat and that she was sending a copy of their computer conversations to me. She told him he needed to work on his marriage and that she hoped it all worked out ok. Immediately he called and texted me, I was at school, and said some girl is going to contact you and just know that I knew what she was doing I just played along with her, everything she tells you is not true, it was me just playing the game. Anyhow I was devasted, sick, felt like I wanted to throw up, I wrote him a letter and told him if he did not love me then why is he with me, that I don't want him here just to be here for the kids that are marriage feels fake now.
He said he does love me and want to be with me, I just don't know how to get past this. We both said if we are going to stay married then we are going to do everything we can to make it work, even get involved back in church. We said we would let the past go and start fresh. I really want to, but when I am sitting around I just keep reading those words he typed to her, "She thinks I'm in it", "I love her as a friend". It makes me feel sick. There were other things to their conversation like he said I hadn't lost the weight since I had the baby, so I've been going to the gym 5 days a week and I started eating healthy again. But then I think, is that enough? If he doesn't really love me then what does it matter. I'm his third wife, the first he married so she could stay in this country, he caught her cheating with another man. His second wife he did not love (or says he didnt) she got pregnant so he married her, she put him through and still does.
I really just want to know if it's possible to ever get past this, and trust him again. He already complains I don't trust him before this even happened and I must say I have always had my doubts about him loving me and being faithful to me, I've caught him texting some girls before with some conversations I feel are inappropriate for a married man. Any advice?

**vikingfan23** · 04-17-2010 12:58 PM

one more thing I wanted to add that I can't get past...he commented on her photos saying she was hot and he always imagined himself with a girl that looked like her and that he wanted her real bad.

**sperosi** · 04-17-2010 01:32 PM

what kind of researcher would do that, and then contact the spouse? i dont know, sounds like it isn't quite right to me.

as for how to get this. well i am probably going to get a lot of flack, but i firmly that for the vast majority of people, they just don't cheat unless something has happened in their relationship. now the other party may be completely unaware of what it is, but something became not right for the person to realistically consider it.

i think the main thing is to communicate, and not just talk. actually have a real discussion about the hard stuff. people say they talk, but usually they just dance around the issue instead of getting right to it.

**BasketCase** · 04-17-2010 01:32 PM

This is a sad story. And I am so sorry it is happening to you. That being said. I don't think that this is something that you can just forgive and forget. Out of all the horrible things he did the worst thing was that he destroyed your self confidence. If you feel like you have to work out and make yourself up just to keep your man from cheating on you then it isn't worth it. If you were doing it for yourself then I would understand, but it seems like your doing it for him. Him wanting/trying to cheat on you is just as bad as acually doing it. Because it seems to me that he was fully prepared to do it.

Another thing you said he hadn't cheated since you got married. Does that mean he cheated on you before you got married? Because if he did then he would do it again. It's obvious that he is unhappy with your sexual relationship. And he even admited to being guilted into marrying you. I think if you decide to make this work you will have a long difficult road to travel. But for now he if doen't love you for who you are then too bad. Don;t change for him. Because that affects you in all kinds of ways.

**Little** · 04-17-2010 01:52 PM

That couldn't have been a researcher - her research would be prettymuch useless in the psychology community, since she doesn't have the consent of the subjects to utilize their information.
I don't know if you should be "glad" per se to know about his behavior, but I think it's better than being in the dark. You have to weigh what you think is completely true and what he might have told her to lure her in (cheating people notoriously lie about their feelings/the situation with their spouse or significant other.) Only the two of you can work out your issues, only you can decide if it's "worth it" for you.
Good luck.

**LanaBear** · 04-17-2010 02:20 PM

This all is so sad, it's very unfortunate that you are going through this. I wish I had some advice, but it wouldn't be anything different than what was said above.

Like Little said, at least you are not in the dark, but now, I think you have to dig deep and figure out what is "true" and what isn't. My only hesitation is that, well, he very easily could have gone through it, what will stop him in the future.

I think, if you allow him, he has a lot of rebuilding to do in regards to the relationship the two of you have.

Good luck.

**vikingfan23** · 04-17-2010 08:43 PM

Thanks for all your comments. I really don't know what kind of researcher would do that, maybe it was someone we know. Women can be devious. I really do not think it has anything to do with our sexual relationship. That is the one area we have no issues in. I'm the one always wanting it and we are very open to our sexual desires. Unless it's just that he's not attracted to me since I gained weight from the baby. I'm not losing the weight just for him, I had lost 60lbs before I got pregnant, so I've always had a goal to get back to that after the baby, I just kept putting it off, his comment just fueled the flames so to speak. Although I do want my husband to be attracted to me but I also want to be attractive to myself.
I also agree that cheating people lie, but then again once a cheater always a cheater. I guess when he said he cheated before we were married it was when we were dating or engaged. I didn't ask because I really didn't want to know I will only think about it all the time if I know details.
I can honestly say I have no idea what I'm going to do at this point. I love him so much, he keeps saying we have been through so much and it's taken us 20 years to get together why would he throw all that away. Which is true, but then I think well maybe you think you wouldn't get caught. Women always know, we know when they are being sneaky, the truth always comes out eventually.
Again thanks for your comments and if you have any questions or more comments please keep them coming. It's nice to have someone to talk to. I don't want to talk to any of my friends because you know how your friends are..."Girl you need to leave his !" LOL
they are biased.

**rcoreyus** · 04-17-2010 10:23 PM

That was not a researcher. It was either someone who likes to create trouble, or an acquaintance who wants to break you up. Possible a blackmail attempt and she gave up. Are there reasons someone might want to cause you two harm?

Consider this - he didn't actually cheat and maybe when it came down to it, he wouldn't have cheated.

You have learned some painful things about your relationship - painful but important. He didn't say that he was with you for money, or that he had been with lots of other women. He said that he was staying with you to make you happy. He's spent years with you to make you happy, and hasn't been happy himself - and apparently hasn't cheated. If that isn't love, at least it is a form of loyalty.

I think you need to think about why he isn't happy and if you can change that. I doubt it has to do with your appearance.