what to do with a liar?!
Hi,
So, I'm dating this guy since, almost two years now (going to be two years in May) we live together since a bit more than a year as well. Sure we have our problems here and there, but we usualy deal with them and talk about them.
Now however, there's one thing that he's unaprochable about, his lie... I say lie , singular since he basically lie about one thing, and makes up a huge scheme around it.
First of, he's diabetic and epileptic, meds cost a lot here, so his mom help pay (even though he could technicaly pay for them him self, she helps) but he says it's from a job, which I know start to think he doesn't have....
He -HAD- that job before, but he said he was "promoted" to consultant and was paid less, but could be called and all. He do get some calls sometime, now if it's real or no, I don't know... but lately he doesn't get any.
He's very insecure about money, this I know... so at first I though he did have the job (since he got called a few time in front of me...and his mom) and saving up the money incase something goes wrong...which is alright ...
But now he says his mom doesn't give him a dime (which I know his a lie).
I don't really know what to do, it's complicated since I do love him, but I'm tired of the lies, is there ways to talk to guys like that? Last time I did he was so angry, he started to say it was my fault and everything.
right now, breaking up with him is not much of an option for many reasons (one of them being money, we baught stuff together that theres noway i can pay with my salary (car, matress and all) the other one is that I do love him, and he does try to work on him self in some point that were important to me, so deep down I feel like he loves me.
I'm no shrink or anything, but I think he lies because he was ashamed or something... but now he has another job, he's happy there, maybe he's too proud to admit his mom help him pay his meds?
A.
I forgot to add, we've been planning kids since a while, which makes things a bit unconfortable, thank god it's really hard for me to get pregnant .... I'm -thinking- of going back on the pills , but I have to see my doctor about that, and it wont be for another month and a half
First - if you aren't sure about the situation, please don't have kids - it will only make an ifffy situation a lot worse - for you and for your future children.
Money is important in a relationship. The issue is not how much he earns, but that he is not open about it - this could lead to real problems in the future.
If you don't care that he his poor - then tell him, try to convince him that it doesn't matter.
If it does matter (and money is important to a lot of people), then he does not seem like a good match.
nah money isn't an issue for me really, we live alright, good even, he makes more money than me, I have a part time job in a clinic, soon will get more hours, and I work as a Emergency Animal Medical technitian (like an ambulance for pets) but the business just started two years ago and my boss is starting to do more publicity, so we do get more calls now. he works fulltime and even though the source is his income, he still has that as well. I don't mind living small really, I'm active outside anyhow, it doesn't cost me much to do stuff, I eat at home all the time, our apartment is lovely and relatively cheap. We don't live under our means anyhow.
I can't go back on the pills for another month and a half, and using a condom might just set him off for another fit of paranoia from him. We don't have sex a lot...I mean....really, not a lot anyway, (he doesn't have the same urges than me it seems, which is another problem)
I am also looking for another job to be able that whatever happen I can move alone or with a roomate, keep the dog and we'll manage something for the common goods we have together.
I'm thinking about talking to him about it eventually, I'm just trying to find out how, it's complicated because I know he did for, might even still work, as a consultant.
When I confronted him on that (I do admit I was not the most... gentle person when I confronted him about that, I came across like a tank, which is my usual way, unfortunately) and he reacted very badly, but after he calmed down and said he was saving up the money from his mom in a acount, but then told me she wouldn't give anything anymore, which is a lie (since she asked me if he did recieve the money)
She's pretty much on my "side" on that one, if there is one.
Ashy, this is the way I see it.
Love is a big word okay.. We fall in love that's a natural progression.. But, we either all of a sudden see all these signs (which were there to start with that we ignored) and all of a sudden question them, or we find nothing wrong, it's blissful and perfect and in which case, match made.
You talk about the fact that he lies. I'd call them "hiding things". If two people love each other, they share everything, if one has doubts, or is selfish, he will "hide" especially his financial situation.
You say that you don't know if he is a consultant, surely as you live together, there are signs he works or doesn't work? But again, he's hiding his employment.
You say he lies about his Mother giving him money.. That he is doing, so maybe he doesn't actually have a job at all.
You say your trying for a baby, but then you state that you may actually go back on the pill in 6 odd weeks time. You have doubts.
You say it doesn't matter anyway because you don't have much sex and that's another problem...
What else, seriously if you think about it is not good, not in a happy zone? What does he do around the house, when did he last buy you something, take you to dinner? Who are his friends, do they visit?
What do you really know?
It's a long time to live with someone, and not know them at all don't you think?
I think you should tell him your a flat mate. You know nothing about him, in reality and unless he is willing to share a bank account, introduce you to his colleagues, be a "partner" you are a flat mate and in which case, you have to decide really what your doing.
CW
Do we not realise that in order to find a soul
It doesn't happen over night
if truth were to be told.
Like everything in life that's hard to achieve
you must believe!
Don't, don't, don't even think of having children with this man until this is resolved. The situation will only get worse, a child will add more stress and a lot more expense. Children are not a solution to any problem that you have.
We can only learn to love by loving. - Iris Mudoch, British writer
yea as i said, i'm going back on the pills as soon as I see the doctor. I'm seeing more and more glimps of the fact that he does not work as a consultant, it's easy to fake incoming calls and all. but I know know he works at the other job, thats real, I saw the uniforms, i saw the place, coworkers and all.
He tells me not to look in some areas, which I don't because I respect his privacy, but last week I was cleaning and found porn, sure i didin't make anything wiht it (hes a guy, he watches porn) but he later told me not to look in that particular area (after i saw while cleaning) because there was confidential work related stuff... when in fact it was porn...
urg, I honestly don't know what to do anymore
PS - on the porn thing, I wouldn't give a if it wasn't from the fact his libido is pretty much inexistant....
Ashy, what other job?
And, then that's another lie, another "hiding" things from you and if you told me not to look somewhere, i'd go and look
If you've now established he watches porn and doesn't make love to you, it's another problem with the relationship.
Who pays for everything?
What does he do around the house?
Tell us a life scenario of say a week of your lives.
CW
Do we not realise that in order to find a soul
It doesn't happen over night
if truth were to be told.
Like everything in life that's hard to achieve
you must believe!
we pay for everything half and half mostly, for bills, rent and what not, when we go out he usualy pays though, but keep in mind we have a joint account (was easier for the rent and bills) but he also have a personal acount which is where is mom sends him the cash, he tells me its the only bank the "second job" can pay him (which is such BS I know...yet he thinks i believed him... anyhow)
he doesn't do much around the house honestly, now he's not as bad since i talked to him about it, but i'll see more this weekend...
roughly, a week goes around the same, he gets up and goes to work (his real job) around 6 and I get up a bit later (depending if i had an emergency call at night) then I take care of the cleaning and all, the dog and what not (then he wonders why our pooch listens to me more... (well that, and i'm a K9 trainer lol) then he comes back from work around 7 (he works long shifts, 4 days a week) and we go shopping, I cook (or he does, on that one hes better) but I usualy (4/5) end up doing the dishes alone... we watch a movie, coz gawd knows he loves watching movie,... then he falls asleep in front of the tv... and I go to bed, he follows me... forget sex...and Ihave to ask for some snugs... make that routine 4 days a week, but add me going to work in the evening two days a week, returning home and again, having to cook dinner or clean or whatever... and add some emergency calls on that, which luckyly, are coming more frequent, i can get more money.
in that, theres always the occasional talk about whatever, I usualy end up bringing the subject , always the same thing , he doesnt help me enough, i feel like his roomate and what not... he then resume to be cranky *though not as much lately since we did talk about that) and shut in...
lately i'm glad we don't have sex, I know we're not ready to have a baby, and if it keeps on going like that we'll never be...
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