Keep the cheater???

**melissao995** · 04-27-2010 10:57 PM

I need advice. I have no family or friends to take about this with. My spouse and I were together for 51/2 years. We have 3 children who call him dad, one of which is his biologically. He left me for 5 weeks for another woman (although he did not tell me this). Out of the blue(because I'm obviously blind) as we had talked about how well things were going a week before that. We rarely fight, have great sex, and love eachother very much. Turns out his boss Debbie was hitting on him for two monthes before he left, and promising to bank his music career(she has tons of money) if they were together. he told her no, but eventually it was a yes. he left me the night they made out at a work related event. He was sorry two weeks later. His reasons for leaving are midlife crisis and depression.

He came back 5 weeks after he left saying how sorry he was and saying how much he loved me. He wants to get married, something I wanted previouly.
He now suddenly realizes how great and wonderful I am.(his words). I said ok and was happy with the decision for a short period, but now I don't know. I want to cheat on him, hurt him as he hurt me(although I know I never could) My anger isn't getting better, the hurt is still sooo strong. I thought time would heal, but it's been 5 monthes and I am still hurt and angry.

I do love him and wanted to make a life together, but I seem to notice he has way more faults than I noticed before, the sex isn't as good as it once was(for me anyway), but we have three kids and they love him very much, it was so hard on them when he left.

Any thoughts or help would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

**LanaBear** · 04-27-2010 11:02 PM

Remember, two wrongs do not make a right...

You can't stay together for the kids, IMO. You need to stay together for you and him if that is what you want.

Have you thought about counseling? To help wade through your emotions?

He made a mistake (a huge one), some people can forgive, some can't.

Why did he leave? Solely for the promise of a music career? Did he have feelings for her? Was it out of guilt for making out with her?

**melissao995** · 04-27-2010 11:24 PM

Thank you for you comment.

I know you can't stay for kids, but it is something I worry about if we did seperate. I am trying hard to forgive, but I thought it was suppose to get easier as time went on...

He says he left because he was having a mid life crisis and was freaking out about where he was professionally. She was will to make his career all he ever wanted by backing him financially. Also he felt that if he had told me about their "making out" that once I would leave anyway. He did feal very guilty. Feeling wise, he like her and hope stronger feelings would develope with time (and money). He is not generally so capitalistic. They couldn't get along at all however.

**Joey** · 04-28-2010 12:21 AM

I totally agree with Lanabear - 2 wrongs definitly dont make a right. Cheating on him with the desire to make him feel your pain will only hurt you even more - especially as you know deep dpwn inside that you are not that kind of person.

Also as LB stated, you cannot stay in a realtionship for the sole purpose of the children involved, as sad as that sounds.

I personally believe (from my own experiences and friends expereinces) that once your SO has cheated on you, you cannot possibly forget. What they did will always be there in the back of your mind.

I admire those women who have the courage to forgive and forget (if you really can do that) as I personally, if i remained in that situation, would grow more miserable and hurt by the second. I would be constantly fretting that and wondering - did he really go to the pub tonight with his mates? or has he gone off with another women? has he really gone to the shops? or is he meeting a secret lover?

Whatever you decide to do - make sure its for YOU!

**Messymiss** · 04-28-2010 06:25 AM

From your letter I dont get the feeling that you are desparate to stay with this man. I will tell you that I agree %100 with Joey that you never forget, never trust again. I did stay with my cheater for the sake of my kids but I did have other reasons to want to be with him too. Finances, security, pride (did not want to have failed in marriage) , a fear of being alone, but most of all I loved him enough stay. We have been very happy together but I never trust-forgive and I wont ever pretend to. He has soo many faults but then I have a few (minor ones) myself and so does everybody else I see walking around today. Only you know the reasons you would stay/go. Write a list of reasons to Stay and reasons to Go and make a decision based on which seems more attractive to you. Kids can be part of the reason to stay as they were for me. good luck, I KNOW how tough this is.

Messy

**WildChild** · 04-28-2010 06:59 AM

I've dealt with this sort of thing more than once. But never had the man have any revelations about loving me until I had gotten fed up and left. When I go, I stay gone. Only you can determine how you feel about this. I've know people who got past it and created a much stronger relationship and I've known others, like myself, who's relationships never recovered. A lot of it has to do with how much work you each are willing to do to rebuild.

You could take a look at it from the perspective that he now Knows that you are the one he truly wants. He knows where the grass is greener. The change in the quality of the sex is most likely due to your feelings about him. Counseling may be a good idea.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-28-2010 08:07 AM

They couldn't get along at all however.

This part bothers me, because when I read your original post, my gut feeling was exactly that... That, after they were intimate, she changed her mind and as such, he came running back.

You know, love is real. And, in that, you don't walk from your partner, tempted by money, career... He saw that and went for it, in my opinion, only for it to backfire and now, he's running scared.

It's natural that you are not feeling the same sexually, it's natural that your not feeling the same emotionally.. it's not just that he cheated but also that he was prepared to let you go, the kids, everything for power...

That does say something about his character and excuses such as mid life crisis doesn't cut it, getting a second job, or a better job does.

Personally? I couldn't get over that betrayal.. It's worse in my opinion that just cheating physically. He cheated you emotionally.

CW

**Joey** · 04-28-2010 06:23 PM

Totally agree.

I dont believe his guilt either if im honest. He's only guilty because she changed her mind. If she hadnt, and still wanted him, and they were still together - would he have cared?

In my relationship with my boyfriend, there is always room for the benefit of the doubt and chances. But cheating? 1 strike and your out.

**lacysmom** · 05-09-2010 06:05 PM

Melissa - I am so sorry for what you and your kids have gone through. This has to have been rough for them. I have not had your experience, but little issues have come up in the 4 years with my bf, and the thing you need to think about is can you move on and be sane and healthy if you take him back. This is not necessarily about whether you still love him or not. Can you let him walk out the door and trust him? Will you have anger that will eat away at you and burst out at the strangest times? And will your partner let you work out your anger, rage and mistrust by being patient and understanding? I think you need to make sure you will be in a good place mentally if you take him back because he has forever altered (and possibly destroyed) your relationship - at least for the time being.