I want it to be official

**LVDesigns** · 04-30-2010 07:37 AM

Alright so here is a little back story.

The guy I am with now I've been with for 4 years. We went to High School together and our moms actually worked together as well. They sort of hooked us up. Anyway, we got together in March of 2006 and have been inseparable since. He always tells me that since the day he first met me, he wanted to be with me, I was who he wanted most. In may of 2006 (mind you, I was only 15 at the time), he proposed to me even though I picked out the ring that I still wear to this day.

Here's the problem. We both don't have jobs and we don't live together. We are still stuck in our parent's houses trying everything we can to get jobs somewhere but with the economy and lack of any sort of previous job experience, it's rough. We see eachother daily though. The only two people in my family who know that we're technically engaged is my 25 year old cousin and my dad who was completely cool with it. My mom and my sister I don't want to tell since well, I don't get along with them much and they like to whine about everything that goes on. My mom and sister talk constantly about stuff either my dad has done or hasn't done, what I have done or haven't done, things about me and my fiance, etc. Trust me, it's not a good relationship, especially if we were to tell them about us.

I will be 20 in July and he just turned 22 last week. I've talked to him about this before saying I want it to be official but it sucks because we don't have jobs nor live together. I feel more promised to him than engaged. It's like my ring he bought is actually more so a promise ring than an engagement ring. I still wear it daily and everything.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm confused. I love him with all my heart and what we have is extremely rare anymore. We never fight and when we do, it's an instant make up. We can almost read eachother's minds that's how crazy everything is. His family knows about us and everything but his mom says we can't do anything until we move out and have jobs which I completely agree with.

Any ideas? Should we just go along as is normal and worry about it more officially when we're finally out on our own? I want it to be more official so bad but I know it would be weird. We don't HAVE to be married but I'd like it to be more of an official engagement and stuff like that. We have both agreed that we don't want an actual wedding and just want to go to a court house and then have a family get together afterwards even though I've dreamed of my wedding since I was a kid.

Any help is appreciated!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-30-2010 08:13 AM

The ring he bought was a promise, but one he mean't and is sticking to.

I think that, 20 years of age, and 22 years of age, is perfectly sane to say "hey, we're engaged," this is yoru life.

The problem here is money and your thoughts. You want to spead the news, your hiding it, you don't have to and money, because he probably can't afford to get you that ring that you want, & a party.

The wedding bothers me. Again, this is money talking... If that is not what you want you will live to regret it, "A Courthouse" so "don't do it"...

Stay focused, believe, study part time, what ever you have to both do and get that job, get that security and start planning your life.

When you have no income how can you plan?

That's your problem.

Don't give up on those dreams, find the way...

CW

**Hopeless Dork** · 04-30-2010 08:43 AM

I think if you both focus on school/jobs and each other and get yourself into a financially stable enough position that moving in together is possible thats when your shift to make it official can really take place.

A man that does not have a home/apt to move you into, does not have the ability to provide for you... will not be in any real hurry to officialize anything. Until he has a stable means to house you, clothe you , feed you... he won't really feel right in making you a bride.

Yep its 2010 and you can (and should) fend for yourself, get your own clothes, feed yourself, and pay the rent... and if you guys work as a team your dream to be together and official will be actualized a whole lot quicker...

But while means of support and housing are sketchy... those are going to be the top priorities in a typical man before he takes on the responsibility of marriage.

You two sound happy and in love and marriage won't make you any more happy than you are right now... so that shouldn't feel like a rush, that will happen when you are both ready for it to happen so don't let the lack of a signed paper from a judge keep you from feeling your love is offical. Its as official as you feel it is.

**LVDesigns** · 04-30-2010 07:01 PM

We both have already finished college. We both have Associate’s Degrees in the Graphic Design field but the school horribly sucked and was a complete waste of $35,050 that I’m going to have to start paying back soon.

Neither of us are the traditional type of people. We don’t like to dance or anything like that so an actual wedding just wouldn’t work for us. I’ve known tons of people who actually went to a Court House to make it official and celebrated later. But you’re right, we don’t have the funds to do any of which right now plus the fact we both still live at home.

He has agreed that when we finally make it into our own place, we will work on making it more official. The ring I wear I do consider more so a promise ring than anything and have always looked at other rings whether super expensive or not.

I love with more than life itself. I can’t even picture myself with any other person. I know not to rush but I’d like it to be more official at least to my family since only my cousin and my dad know (even though I’m sure he’s forgotten.)

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-01-2010 01:12 AM

We have both agreed that we don't want an actual wedding and just want to go to a court house and then have a family get together afterwards even though I've dreamed of my wedding since I was a kid.

I’ve known tons of people who actually went to a Court House to make it official and celebrated later.

So has he also agreed therefore, to a celebration later ?

$35,000 is a shirt load to pay back... I'd say there is a lot of pressure going on, no jobs from that money spent, a debt that is huge, everything will go on the backburner.

but I’d like it to be more official at least to my family since only my cousin and my dad know (even though I’m sure he’s forgotten.)

It seems to me that you want security.. You don't feel secure. You feel that with a ring, a real engagement ring you can tell the world and feel secure, right now, you feel like a girlfriend with a friendship ring.

If you don't care how much it costs, your still stuck because you both aren't working to have any funds, the only thing you can do is go to a recycle shop, and buy one from there when there is some funds.

But, wouldn't you really be happy to trust his words? To believe in him, in the both of you? And, to have a ring that you like, as you will be wearing it for the rest of your life.

Why can't you use your Graphic Designs in work, did you both pass?

CW

**LVDesigns** · 05-01-2010 07:40 AM

Yes, he agreed. He’s the one that came up with the idea of the court house and celebration after.

I personally still have $22,000 to pay back. We were able to pay monthly while I was in school which helped quite a bit but we have A LOT to pay back and I wish I could be the one paying it but without a job I can’t so my parents have to.

I do freelance Graphic Design work on the side and that’s pretty slim. With our school it was fast paced, meaning we had one or two classes a month and we switched every month so we only had a small amount of time to learn that certain thing. We didn’t learn ANYTHING compared to what we would have in a different college. Yes we have degrees but they mean nothing because we don’t have the right education to continue it out in the world. The lady who is the director of our career services always posts jobs for graphic designers on facebook but all of which require a Bachelors Degree and 5+ years experience and deals with Web Design and it’s not what either of us even do and I don’t know about you but I’m not going back to a school that didn’t teach us anything in the first place just for another dumb degree that wouldn’t help us anyway.

I try to do what I can with my graphic design. He hasn’t even opened the computer to design anything since we got out of school. So no, we can’t do anything with a Graphic Design job besides freelance.

As for the ring I wear daily, I picked it out and he agreed to it. It was $125 at Helzberg Diamonds and I do like it. I’ve looked on Ebay a ton and they have very nice rings for a very good price even though I’m sure quality sucks. We have both agreed to wait till we move and get out on our own and everything before ANYTHING is official. I’m not exactly sure if insecurity is my problem. I’m just tired of hiding it due to my mom and sister and if we tell other people of my family, they turn it around and tell my mom and sister and they just hate that him and I are happy because they’re not.

**WildChild** · 05-01-2010 08:00 AM

WOW, That seems to be a incredible amount of money for an associates degree. Find another school, find a job, find some thing you can do to earn a living - it may not be in your chosen field. You are both young and seriously you need more education if you really want to get anywhere. Finding reasons why not won't get you where you want to be. Get active, start making things happen.

**GlassDaemon** · 05-01-2010 01:35 PM

Well, I am 100% against the "rush, rush, hurry, hurry" attitude everyone has, just flippin chill out, you're only 20, you've got a minimum of about 60 years left on this planet, what's the rush? I can't stand the way people are anymore.

However, if you're so determined to make it official and are as poor as dirt, go to the justice of peace, it's where my parents got married, then they put what little money they had to getting a home together. Not that you'll be able to do that without a job, but could probably get married. Just won't be some big affair, but it will be official.

**LVDesigns** · 05-01-2010 07:01 PM

WildChild,
If I had the money for another school I would go even though there is nothing I want to do. He wants to go in for Criminal Justice but the only way he’s going to do that is if he joins something like the National Guard so they pay for it and he doesn’t want to join. I’m still paying $22,000, I’m not going to any other school any time soon and if finding a job was soooooo easy, we’d both have one right now.

I’m not in a rush, I just want it official. I don’t care if we don’t get married right away, that’s not what I’m saying.