He is leaving me and baby

**notonmyown1** · 05-06-2010 07:41 PM

My husband was my 1st. We were together for 9 years and got married in June 2008. Conceived on Feb 14, 2009. And thats when the (EDIT) hit the fan. After a heated argument (i was about 5 or 6 mos preg) he said he wanted a divorce and in anger I said fine you'll get one. He came back and said he didnt want one but i was livid and i said no. we are getting a divorce. I have treatened divorce before in anger over the years and never meant it. But this time he started talking to a woman at work. He said because he thought it was over. And he has been having an emotional affair with her off and on from then til now. He kept threatening ot leave the whole time i was pregnant then we would try again after much begging. Finally last week he cried and told me he wasnt coming back even while i was begging him with tears. he just kept holding up our son in my face saying just take care of our son. He said he would pay all the bills til i got on my feet and was very nice to me that week. Now he is having an attitude with me about little things and says he wants me to leave. and doesnt care where i go or do. i dont know what ot do anymore.

**Hopeless Dork** · 05-06-2010 08:27 PM

You said when you got pregnant is when things went down hill. Did he not want a baby at the time you concieved? What was the root of the argument when divorce was tossed on the table?

In the past when you threatened divorce... what were your real reasons behind that?

I ask because depending on the severity of what your root problems are, will shine a light into how probable it is for you guys to work through it... if you'd both want to, etc. Or if you guys are just going to keep going back to 'i want a divorce' at every big fight.

Have you tried, or considered marriage counseling? Seeing as how you guys have a baby it might be worth one last effort to try to make it work.

when you are not having a blow out fight... how has the relationship been? Is he loving towards you and the baby? Are you loving towards him? Do you guys communicate feelings? Are you intimate? Passionate? Are you both in the same place with what you want out of life?

**Ahryin** · 05-06-2010 10:10 PM

First let me say I am sorry you had to go through the emotional rollercoaster while pregnant. I had a somewhat similar situation and I know it can be far more worse than just taxing.

From your post I can not tell if you are in love with your husband or not. I can also not tell if your husband is in love with you. For one...why would you continue to threaten divorce unless you really wanted it? By doing so you were actually showing your husband that you did not want to be with him. At least in my eyes thats how I would have taken it.
In regards to you leaving the house you do NOT have to if you do not want to. You are married and have proof that he stepped out and are entitled to compensation per law! I would seek advice from a Lawyer if this is what he truly wants.
I would offer counseling to him if its not what you want, apologize for your past declarations of wanting a divorce and see what happens. 9yrs is a long time. I agree with Hope that a little more information may be needed to give our full opins. However I can attest that this would be the site for you. We are very supporting here and you will see that many women on this site are going through similar or have gone through similar situations. best of luck!

**notonmyown1** · 05-06-2010 10:57 PM

If it werent for my son. I dont know. I might just leave and start all over. When he first told me he was leaving last week. I was desperately in love with him. I apologized for so much and took the fault for everything. I was so in love that I was willing ot do anything. I told him I didnt even care if he had had sex with the woman. I just wanted him back. Now, I looking at him and I dotn even know if I love him anymore. He is far form perfect. But no one is perfect. But it would be so much work to repair the damage. Im loosing my will to stay. Im afraid that I wouldnt be able to trust him. And I'd be worried that this would happen again.

**notonmyown1** · 05-06-2010 10:59 PM

I would also like to hear from anyone who has gone thru similar situation. And even though it seemed hopeless they were able to work thru it. When do you know ot give up and cut your losses? When is it truly hopeless?

**jns** · 05-07-2010 06:36 AM

The trust you had is very broken and both of you will have to work hard to rebuild it. It may be he doesn't want to work that hard if you cannot assure him that things will change. He may be gone already.

I hope he knows he has an obligation to support his son until the son is 18 and should support him through college if the son wants to go to college. He also has an obligation to support you, at least in some degree, if you have to take a lesser job to take care of his son. Finances may cause him to think about the situation more rationally.

If you want to rebuild your relationship, quit holding the relationship hostage as a bargaining tool in a fight. Never say I hate you, never threaten to leave. If he gets scared and believes that things are broken, he may act in a way that you don't want. He will later harden his position because he doesn't want to be held hostage. Let him know every day how much he means to you, even if it is hard because you are fighting. Especially if it is hard.

I think that he didn't take the emotional affair further was because he still holds out hope for you. His latest declaration is due to him being tired of the whole situation. Instead of pleading, be kind and thoughtful to him and see if that has better results. Try not to fight but don't lose your own personality completely. He loved you before, so there is much of your personality that he likes. Communicate.

**LanaBear** · 05-07-2010 06:51 AM

Originally Posted by jns

If you want to rebuild your relationship, quit holding the relationship hostage as a bargaining tool in a fight. Never say I hate you, never threaten to leave. If he gets scared and believes that things are broken, he may act in a way that you don't want. He will later harden his position because he doesn't want to be held hostage. Let him know every day how much he means to you, even if it is hard because you are fighting. Especially if it is hard.

Couldn't agree more. The worst thing to do in a fight is screaming and yelling that you want a divorce, that you hate the other person. Don't even go there, if it gets to that point, take a time out, turn around and go for a walk until you can put your thoughts together again.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-08-2010 11:00 AM

I have treatened divorce before in anger over the years and never meant it.

I agree with jns.

The first thing that popped into my head was exactly that..

It's like a fishing line, real it in, send it out, real it in, send it out and one day, it stays out and doesn't return.

You can't play with emotions, once you do, the person loses belief... And, he has lost belief in your relationship that it's real and would last.

There has to be a reason for that, why you are doing that..

You state that you really don't know how you feel and I think that is a big part of it..

His emotional affair has shown him that "someone" is treating him correctly. And, now he sees that it is possible, he doesn't want to go back to being constantly in fear...

A baby doesn't hold a marriage together un-fortunately.

You have to decide what you "really" want and not, what you've lost and how to get it back.

But, what "you really want" .. You say "he's not perfect, far from it", yet then " but no one is".. sounds like you settled and are settling .

CW