Am I abnormal--is he? Sex w/others

**am i the bad guy** · 05-10-2010 11:12 AM

My now ex-husband and I dated for 3 years then got married. During the first 3 years--he was on the computer alot looking at porn--never thought too much about it. When we were out w/friends--at concerts--it was cool to "flash your boobs"

Everyone hangs out--talked about sexual experiences--some rubbing & kissing with others started. I was uncomfortable and left--made him leave too--let him know I didn't like it.

Time passed--got married--on our wedding night--I was pretty trashed!! At our hotel--he invited friends to "join us" -- I had no inhibitions--like I said--I was trashed. They left and then he let his brother join in--I was uncomfortable--but complied--wasn't forced--but encouraged. We left the next morning on our honeymoon. It was awhile before anything happened again--but over the next 7 years--when I would get trashed--he would "intentionally" leave me in the presence of men--his brother--his cousins--and complete strangers--once he was gone--they would try to grope--I'd say no--and they'd say--"but its OK he said I could" He would deny it--of course.

We went on a cruise--he bought me a nice diamond necklace--then said I owed him--we argued--I have a job--I'll pay for my own stuff--and don't OWE him!! He said I owed him for marrying me--taking care of me. Rescueing me from being a single mom.

He would get ticked off if I didn't fix his dinner plate & serve him before the kids.

Most of the sexual encounters were with his brother. One night he goes and picks up a prosititute--so we can all have sex. I yelled -- screamed-- not a good thing!

Few weeks later--we're at a bar--and he invites a strange guy back to our house for drinks--of course it turned into a sexual thing--once again I freak out!!

I left the marriage--just walked out--everyone thinks I am "horrible" "Can't believe I would do that to HIM"

90 % of our marriage was great--but I never knew what wa lurking around the corner.

I miss my marriage--I wonder if I should have stayed--If it could have been fixed. Do many people experiment like this sexually? Is it me? I don't consider myself a prude--but I dont' know.

**LanaBear** · 05-10-2010 11:19 AM

If you don't agree with it, you shouldn't do it. If it is to the point of him saying you OWE him these things because he did you the courtesy of marrying him, then I think I would be leaving too.

You are not comfortable with having sex with random partners, he should respect that. The fact that he gives you up freely to his relatives and random strangers, IMO, says a lot about him.

I don't even know if I would have it in me to try and make it work, I don't think I'd be able to do the whole counseling thing with him. I think you are better off leaving this marriage.

**sourpuss** · 05-10-2010 11:20 AM

It doesn't sound like you were 'experimenting' rather you were pressured to do a lot of things you weren't really into. (to say the least)

Why would you want to go back? What about it was good? He sounds angry and controlling in my opinion.

**am i the bad guy** · 05-10-2010 11:28 AM

Maybe I want to go back because I left the marriage the way I did--I have this overwhelming feeling of guilt. Just left. I cracked--I went into a deep depression of drugs & alcohol. I hate that everyone thinks of me that way--and he's still the good guy. He was controlling. I just can't seem to move on--it has been 3 years. I no longer enjoy sex--avoid it.

one thing that I hate--I can't tell anyone. I can't tell anyone what happened or how I feel--no one knows

**jns** · 05-10-2010 11:37 AM

It sounds like your ex was in to controlling you from the sex to the food. Do you like and miss that control? I doubt your ex would have changed. Find someone who treats you better, unless you liked it. Maybe see about getting counseling.

**LanaBear** · 05-10-2010 11:43 AM

You have NOTHING to feel guilty about! Of course you cracked, my goodness, who wouldn't. The man was controlling and encouraged other men to have sex with you. Repeatedly said that you owed him and his payment was wanting you to be uncomfortable, not wanting to take into consideration what you felt, wanting you to have sex with others, against your own beliefs. That's not marriage, that's ownership, he owned you.

If you can, start going to a counselor. You are not at fault for any of what he did, you did the right thing for you and I assume your child (since he mentioned saving you from being a single mom). Do you want to raise a child in that type of household?

**am i the bad guy** · 05-10-2010 11:53 AM

I can't afford counseling--but all of your comments have helped. It has sucked not being able to talk to anyone--and it has just been building up.

Thank-you

**jns** · 05-10-2010 11:59 AM

I have the feeling that you are locked in as far as location, but have you considered moving? What keeps you there?

**am i the bad guy** · 05-10-2010 12:01 PM

My girls--I have one that is still in high school

**sourpuss** · 05-10-2010 12:06 PM

There are a lot of resources for free or income-based counseling. Check with your local clinic and see if there is someone who can help you. I agree that counseling would do you a world of good.