Need a woman's perspective

**Chad117** · 05-17-2010 05:55 AM

I am newly married, about 2 months, and I am back over in Iraq again. My wife told me she needed some male companionship because I wasn't home and she was alone. At first I freaked out about this, but after some time I told her I was cool and understood. I love her, and would do anything for her. She talked to a few different guys but never met any of them. Then yesterday she tells me that she doesn't need anyone except me. Then this morning I wake up to a picture of some guy in my pickup. So I called her, she tells me that she went over to his house and they snuggled and watched a movie and they kissed a little. I tried to act ok with it, but I'm not. I am between a rock and a hard place here. I don't want her to do this, but I can't realistically do anything to stop it. I love her more then I have ever loved anyone, and she is very good to me. Is this just a thing because I am not at home? Help me to understand why she wants this? Why can't she wait just 6 more months and I will be home?

**Mes T** · 05-17-2010 06:24 AM

Sounds like she's just the type to constantly want companionship, regardless of how that makes the loved ones in her life feel.

You gotta decide if this will be okay with you in the long run. If not, I'd recommend getting out now.

What will happen next time you're deployed? How about a few years down the line when you're working for a company and have to take a 2-3 day business trip?

However, I get from your post that you've sent her mixed signals about how you feel about this. First you're upset, and then you act cool... It's possible that once she understands how you REALLY feel about this, through some lengthy communication, that she will take your feelings into consideration.

**emotional** · 05-17-2010 06:46 AM

I'm going through a very rough situation myself so I can't give you much advise. The only advise I have is communication. Communication is extremely critical in a relationship. You need to be able to tell her exactly how you feel. I know it's scary, but you need to. This will be a test in your relationship, but trust me, you don't want to go down this road after 14 years of marriage. Work through this now!

**sourpuss** · 05-17-2010 07:23 AM

Chad, that's not normal. She's married! I'm sorry I just think it's way out of line. The only thing you can do is tell her that it's really not ok with you at all. If she can't be with only you and can't be alone then like Mes said, you may want to get out now while you still can.

**Chad117** · 05-17-2010 08:32 AM

You're right, I have given her mixed signals. I already have one divorce and I will do whatever it takes to make this marriage work. So "getting out" is not an option. My mixed signals have probably made it worse, yes, and I just got off the phone with her and I was cold to her. I am not like that, but I hurt and I just want her to recognize that and be remorseful. But she isn't. Instead she turns it around and makes me feel like I'm the one that did something wrong. She is a good woman, I think this separation is just tough on her. We have been together for two years and that whole time we were rarely separated. Now she is at home alone. Am I enabling her behavior? I am always making excuses in my mind. Thanks for all you thoughts, if any of you are praying people, please pray for us. Thanks.

**WildChild** · 05-17-2010 08:47 AM

Being "cold" to her won't do it. You need to tell her what you feel and think. You need to commincate clearly with no room for misunderstanding.

**KMonte85** · 05-17-2010 09:19 AM

I'm curious what your wife is/was thinking. First of all, being married two months now, I will assume you were active in the military before you two got hitched. So why is it now such a problem that she is alone? Did she not think about what being a military wife was all about before she said her vows?

Secondly, I find it hard to believe that a woman would be so starved for attention that she would seek out a man while her husband was on duty. It is one thing to feel lonely, sure... but then join a pottery class, cooking class, photography, SOMETHING. Being lonely doesn't justify running to the arms of another man... sheesh.

What she's doing is NOT ok. But you need to be direct with her about it if you don't agree with her actions. You can't smile and tell her its okay, act cold when your bothered by it, and then just expect that she will stop. You have to tell her what you're feeling.

**LanaBear** · 05-17-2010 10:22 AM

Personally, I think that is completely wrong of her. That is so disrespectful towards you, I'm sorry that she is putting you through this.

You need to be upfront and open with her about this. She sounds rather emotionally high maintenance. Lay it out on the line what is acceptable for you and what is not. Either you and you alone or leave, find someone who can be faithful and supportive regardless of these circumstances.

**sourpuss** · 05-17-2010 12:52 PM

Originally Posted by Chad117

You're right, I have given her mixed signals. I already have one divorce and I will do whatever it takes to make this marriage work. So "getting out" is not an option. My mixed signals have probably made it worse, yes, and I just got off the phone with her and I was cold to her. I am not like that, but I hurt and I just want her to recognize that and be remorseful. But she isn't. Instead she turns it around and makes me feel like I'm the one that did something wrong. She is a good woman, I think this separation is just tough on her. We have been together for two years and that whole time we were rarely separated. Now she is at home alone. Am I enabling her behavior? I am always making excuses in my mind. Thanks for all you thoughts, if any of you are praying people, please pray for us. Thanks.

You took the words right out of my mouth.
I honestly cannot believe that you're so calm about this! I would be livid. I completely agree with kmonte. If she's lonely because you're gone then she needs to take up a hobby...NOT go off making out with other men. She's using the fact that you're gone as an excuse. There's no reason at all that she should think this kind of behavior is at all ok. Unless you're ok with it, you need to put your foot down. Just because you've been divorced before is no reason to stay in a relationship where you are treated like this.

Does she know this? Is it possible that she knows you won't leave so she's just going to do as she pleases, whether you're ok with it or not?

**doodle89** · 05-17-2010 02:57 PM

Personally, I don't think this is right at all. I mean you're over defending our country AND you guys are married, yet she is at home looking for companionship from another guy? I can understand if it's just a friend to go out to lunch with or something.. but snuggling and kissing a little? I think that crosses the line. Like everyone else has pretty much said, I agree that communication is key here--if you let her think it's fine with you, but deep down you're really not okay with it that's just going to make the situation worse.. and the longer you hold it inside, the more she's going to think it's okay and the more of a possibility something MORE than that could happen. Maybe you need to almost flip it around and ask her how she would feel if you were the one looking for companionship with another women, so she understands your standpoint.