My Big Fat Irish Wedding Problem. :-)

**Alexandra** · 05-17-2010 06:16 PM

I got engaged a couple of weeks ago to the man I love. I've known him for a while, and after a lot of thinking, I'm sure of my choice and I'm incredibly excited. We've talked about everything from children to finances to who does household chores. A few months ago we'd had some trouble communicating, but after some serious discussions that was worked out and now we're able to tell each other our feelings in a constructive manner.We're moving in together soon.

Here's the problem: Our families hate each other. Well, more like his family would love to see me thrown in a ditch and shot several times over. My family doesn't particularly like my fiancé, though even my mother has admitted that she'd eventually get over it, eventually being the key word. The hate stems from a disagreement that arose a while ago that involved only me and my fiancé, but when things got a little heated, a miscommunication occurred that everyone in his family now refuses to even mention, much less discuss so it can be resolved. That's fine, but such animosity has led to my fiancé refusing to speak to his mother until she apologizes, but she's as stubborn as he is.

I know deep down that my fiancé would want his family at our wedding. What do I do to bring our families together? I really hate the fact that they hate me, and I miss Jon (my fiance) being able to join *my* family when we get together. We're both family oriented people, and this is killing us both. My advice to myself would have been communication, but his family won't even go near me, and refuses to even mention it around my fiance, even when he tries to ask. Thank you in advance.

**WildChild** · 05-17-2010 07:21 PM

He will have to deal with his family and he may have to get assertive about it and just lay it on the line.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-17-2010 07:53 PM

Someone has to give.

Given that he refuses to speak to his Mother until she apologises, the wedge is deep.

I think he needs to call a truce and tell them that he's now engaged, he intends to marry you and he also loves his family and it's time to make amends.

And, you need to do the same with your family... If they can't accept him attending family "togethers", you don't feel comfortable attending without him.

Tell them all, that they chose their partner, for better or worse and so did you two and when the children come along, you want them to be involved, not, not know their grandparents and you do love your family but this man is here to stay, it's time.

CW

**PJhavinfunagain** · 05-18-2010 02:06 PM

Tell both sides of the family that if they can not get along that you will elope and they will miss out on spending this special day with you.

Sorry, I know this sounds harsh but I have been through similar stuff and they need to get over it!

**grrrr** · 05-18-2010 09:14 PM

Sadly you "marry" the family. I agree with CW - something HAS to give.

On the bright side, my mother (who is lovely and wonderful) is hated by my father's parents.... She got over it, and they've been married for 39 years!

At the end of the day, you can't change people - you can change situations. Just remove yourself from this one. It's wasted time.

**Alexandra** · 05-26-2010 03:13 PM

My fiance has "laid it on the line". That's what's led to his refusal to speak to his mother. He had told her that she needed to understand that it wasn't her decision. He had said how happy he was with me and that we were getting married, and his mother flipped out and ended with a lengthy text in which is cussed at her own son. That's where he drew the line.

Thank you to everyone for your advice. I've talked to my family, and they've seemed to give a little. His family will be a little more difficult I fear, but we still have a little while before the wedding, and we'll keep trying.

Thanks again for all the advice.