My Husband is watching porn
A few days ago I looked at our internet history looking for a website I'd recently visited and found a whole bunch of porn. I confronted my husband about it and he lied right to me and said that he wasn't watching it. I dug deeper into the history and found that the times were always times I wasn't around and it had been looked up every day for the last little while I only went back about a week and I confronted him again and told him that I knew he lied and that I just wanted the truth. He confessed that he'd been watching it since the end of April. Now I was just going through the history again to find that website and he deleted all the history back to March 6 of this year so I think that its been going on longer than he said why else would he delete all the history? I afraid to confront him again cause I'm afraid he'll just lie to my face since I have no evidence now that he's been watching porn.
My husband does the same thing, if they want to do it they will find a way. He clears his history too. Just give him sex everyday and maybe that will help him not look at it as much or not any more, it all depents on why he's looking at it. Find out what he is looking at first and go from there. I plan to buy a camera and hide it just to see what he's looking at. Hope this helps.
JM
I don't know
I really don't know if spying on my husband is the best thing. I mean we have had our share of mistakes the only difference is I was completely upfront about mine and he hides his. And I can't always give him sex everyday because I stay home and take care of our kids all day and some days I'm not in the mood just because its been an overwhelming day! And the thing is I've noticed this happening a couple times a year where our history is full of porn and now I don't believe that it didn't happen like he says. I used to just believe him that he wasn't watching porn. But now I don't think thats the case. But I really don't want to spy.
Men lie about it, and they probably always will. I went thru this. I was pissed he was looking at porn instead of being with me. Then I got even more pissed when my whole computer got fried cuz he wasnt even "man enough" to pay for the porn. So watch out for your computer! When I found out, I confronted him...he lied...i went to the history...he realized he was caught. Promised me he wouldnt do it again. A month or so later, just keeping check there was more porn in the history. I flipped out. I packed up all my stuff and threated to leave bc I was sooo angry. That was like 3 years ago. I eventually got over it. I dont trust him 100% bc of this and other lies, but we've worked through it. It would upset me if I was you that he wont even talk about it. And you should confront him, you need to set up communication. Why is he looking at it? If your not hurt from him looking at it, he should be able to talk about it. Its about honesty, and he's not being honest. Maybe he's just totally embarressed? I think that when I confronted mine, he was somewhat embarressed and didnt want to be "caught" Im not sure why men work the way they do.
We've had some problems
I won't lie we've had some major problems the last month or so. I got really drunk and slept with his best friend. I was upfront and honest about it and told him because I love him and I made a mistake. His excuse was that he was watching it to stop himself from going and doing something really stupid. But now I don't believe that thats the reason why. he was addicted to porn for 7 years before me and him started seeing each other and this has happened before where I've found tons of porn but he's denied looking at it. And the most recent action where he deleted back 2 1/2 months pre-dates anything that happened between me and his friend. I just want to get him the help he needs to stop looking at it because his addiction hurts. Yes what I did to him was hurtful but his addiction has been going on now for about 12 years. We've worked out our issues with what I did the best we can...My husband doesn't want to see a professional counselor to help either. So do I just accept him watching the porn this time or is it just another excuse for a habit thats been going on for so long.
If he is watching porn rather that having sex with you, then I think there is a problem. If he is only watching when you are not available for sex, then I don't think it is such a big deal. If he has forgiven you for cheating with his best friend, then I think you should consider cutting him some slack on the porn. Sounds like neither of you is perfect (who is), and you will both be happier if you accept each other's failings.
I don't know, but based on my experience virtually all guys use some degree of porn. If they say they don't, then you can guarantee that they fantasize about it as a substitute. Either way guys are far more visually oriented and it's going to happen... in some "virtual" fashion or another. The only thing to really worry about is if his "use" of porn begins to interfere with real life, your relationship, how he values women, etc. etc.
Though, I don't agree with some of the advice that has sometimes been posted in this forum around telling the guy to stop it. Honestly, that is unrealistic if not impossible, and will only set you both up for failure. Like I said, guys will still use their imagination to fantasize, there is absolutely 0% chance of turning that off. IMHO, it is better to accept the fact that it happens, remove the lies and ensure it's "use" does not cross-the-line.
tlfw: in your third post you come out with the very interesting fact that you slept with the best friend of your husband in the last month or so. Most guys will not handle this very well. They will have the choice of getting rid of their best friend, with all of their history as friends or get rid of their wife. I'm sorry, but looking at porn is not of the same magnitude. I see it as denial of the magnitude differences to try to counter the infidelity with porn viewing. Possibly there may have been a deep underlying motive to create a gotcha by saying "you look at porn so I got back by sleeping with your best friend".
You both need counseling if you are going to get past this. He probably needs to dump the friend, unless he is sure he can get along with a three-way relationship. The fact that his friend slept with you says that the friend either doesn't respect your husband or thinks what is your husband's is also his. Rebuilding trust is going to be a major hurdle.
Do you know what lead you to the point you cheated? Had he been neglectful of you sexually or not giving you attention? I'm not saying that's an excuse to cheat, in my opionion nothing is.
I'm just wondering if his attention and focus on porn didn't help to plant a seed that pushed you away fron him?
If that's the case his continued distance (which is sure to be only worse no because of you indiscression) is a cycle that may cause irrepairable damage to the relationship.
You have to find out why you allowed yourself to cheat in order to prevent making the same mistake.
You have to ask him why he turns to the porn... And see if you guys can compromise on that.
My feelings are if you are not meeting his sexual needs that him using porn to suppliment could be what's keeping your relationship in tact.
And if you are not getting your sexual needs met by him porn can be what's causing the lack of interest in pleasing and being pleased by you.
I don't think it fair to have it both ways, to reject your partner sexually AND not want them to take care of their own needs in a safe way.
Its a give and take and you have to consider his feelings as he needs to consider yours.
I think you brush past your affair like... I said sorry so its all cool now. Its probably not cool at all for him. Admitting you did it is noble and fair... But will not repair the damge of the action.
Only time communication and understanding... Along with a true desire to be together and make it work will help you guys move forward.
If your not left wanting in the sex department I think you might be barking up the wrong tree in worrying about porn viewing.
I think its okay to address his porn consumption if its interferring in your sex life with each other...
But if its not and you don't want to take on any more of his sexual needs that you already do... It just seems to not be something to worry yourself with.
You don't trust him because he masturbates to porn... But expect him to trust you after you slept with his best friend.
I think you might need to get a handle on the bigger picture. Your throwing water on the smoke instead of the fire.
Scars remind us of where we've been...they don't have to dictate where we're going.
same here
we have been togeather for 10 yrs. He is always saying he has me he did not need to watch anything but 2 months ago he got a new smartphone and left it home one day and i did a quick look at it and it had porn sites on it. i asked him and said it must have been when his friend used it. i do everything he wants me to do in the bedroom and we only have sex once a week he is always telling me he is too tired or somethin we r in our 30s and im feeling so inadequate right now im hurt and i even gained weight because he wanted to see my butt bounce more i was feeling alone until i got this site when in the bedroom he wont even touch me during forplay i have to do everything to him but what about me why would he want to do something like that when he know it would really hurt me thanks guys for your post
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