Emotional cheating, even though the 'other girl' didn't know

**AshAG** · 05-21-2010 08:55 PM

Hi everyone,
I have posted on here before, but never in this section. I honestly can't believe I am now, but really need some advice from a third (uninvolved) party. Recently while using our shared itouch, I found out that my fiancé (bought a house together, have been together over 3 1/2 years) was looking at pictures of a girl. Not usually a biggie, but this was the third time that the same specific photos were up. I found out she also works for the same company as he does (just so everyone knows, I wasn't snooping, I touched the history button by accident; earlier in the relationship I admitted to doing so at one point). I was furious. When I confronted him-oh, just so you know, this was the same day I found out my young cousin was pregnant(we recently had a miscarriage, and she is nowhere near ready to be a mom) and he had training to do in the building she worked in, and it was approximately 7:30 amwhen he looked at these photos, it was nothing but lies. He looked me straight in the face and told me that he just thinks she's pretty. Then I finally got it out of him that he has a crush on her (he claims it's a school boy crush). The thing that gets me, is that they haven't worked together since January (it's almost June). If is was as innocent as that, he wouldn't still be looking at her photos. The other thing (the most important) is that it literally took him hours to say this. He lied to my face. This little incident happened to be sandwiched between two other occassions when I KNEW he was lying to me, but didntadmit the truth. He than finally told me that he did it in part because he resents me for not having a job (I've broached this topic in the past and we've had a few conversations.....to my knowledge, from his mouth, everything was fine). Since we had been discussing this for hours, I asked him once more if he had anything he needed to tell me. He swore up and down that was it (I didn't really believe him since I'm learning he's capable of lying to me about EVERYTHING). The next day, after discussing everything, he told me that he thought we were getting very routine. He said he had felt this way for a few weeks. When I asked him why he didn't tell me before, he didn't really say much (he usually says nothing during our fights, and although I can get passionate at times, he knows that I will respect him for being honest, no matter what he tells me-even though he knows I may not like it).
Another part to this is he said it boosted his ego. While our sex life is wonderful for the most part, I once told him I wasn't satisfied with how long our sex lasted. I did this because it was really starting to get to me (although he's willing and eager, sex generally only lasts a minute or so) and I wanted us to discuss ways to work it out. This broke my heart.
After days of arguing and crying (well, I was the only one crying) he said he would go to therapy. He's gone once so far and says he thinks it'll help. I know he loves me and wouldn't intentionally hurt me, he's broken the same promise dozens of times and has lied to me about god knows what. At what point do I say enough is enough? I love him, but he knows I believe you can't have a relationship without trust. I tried to get passed this (my thinking is generally that I know I'll get over it and well be fine, so why be pissed) but I just can't. It feels like it's sinking in more and more what he's done. Since he's been doing this since August and has lied about it, I consider this emotional cheating, even though she's not aware of it (but according to him they're friends that email through work, how often? Idont think he would tell me the truth, so I have no clue. He also didn't know that two of her cats looked amazingly like ours......he talks about our cats and dog to everyone, even customers!!!!!!)
It's been almost two weeks since this has happened and my emotions are all over the place. Am I over reacting? I just never thought he was capable of this, and knowing he lies about the small stuff and the big stuff most likely means he lies about everything in between. What the heck would you do? Do you consider this emotional cheating?
Thanks for the help everyone

**WildChild** · 05-21-2010 10:05 PM

Certainly don't marry him until this is resolved and you are both over it.

I went through something like this years ago and it was a disaster. He was still in love with an old girl freind who had moved out of state. When I offered to step out of the picture so he could have a chance to determine what he really wanted, he threatened suicide. After some drama he convinced me he loved me and wanted to be with me - it was all lies. He kept right on calling and writing her. She had moved across the country so there wasn't a physical relationship but al least on his side the emotion was there. Then the affairs started. I won't bore you with the details. He kept contact with the old gf too. I kept trying to save the marriage, to stick it out. After a few years of misery I finally left, he was furious.

DO NOT marry someone who isn't 100% committed and in love with you. Just Don't do it. It will bring you nothing but heartache. DO NOT have a child with him either. That would just be buying trouble. I strongly urge you to find employment and get to a position of self sufficiency, even if it's minimal. There is power in being self supporting and it will allow you to make decisions that aren't based in dependency. People who are "in love" do not get crushes on other people, they may notice that someone is attractive but they do not moon over them and carry around pictures of them. You may need to separate and give him an opportunity to be sure. Do not be afraid of this. Rather be afraid of marrying a man who doesn't really want to be there. Better to set him free and see if he comes back than to try to pin him down and hope he'll change.

**baja** · 05-22-2010 07:03 AM

I agree with WC, if you don't feel he is 100%+ into you, then do not get married. Seems like there were some things building with you both that you now are talking about which obviously is very healthy but will take some time to work through. Though the lies do need to stop. There is no chance of you having any sort of sound relationship foundation upon which to potentially build a marriage until he faces and comes to grips with reality. I hope the therapy works but don't rely totally on it. Make sure you both open up all lines of communication and talk about everything... as well as address all habits that have become disatisfying for each of you.

**jns** · 05-22-2010 12:09 PM

If he is used to lying like you said he is, any relationship you build will be built on quicksand. Rhetorically, can a person who lies continuously and very easily change and become a honest person?

**AshAG** · 05-22-2010 02:40 PM

Thanks for the quick response everyone. WC, sorry to hear all of that.
I was honestly expecting to be told I was over reacting. I'm still not too sure how to deal with all of this. I feel like I'm split into two opposite ways of thinking.....logically and emotionally. Logically I feel like we'll get through this, but emotionally I am still devasted.
I really do think he loves me, but I don't know. I'm so confused.
I wanted to let everyone know that since the very beginning of the relationship I've been very open and honest, and have let him know that I will be there for him, as long as there's honesty. On that note, since I've caught him lying multiple times, I feel like, in some ways I'm betraying myself.
I am currently looking for a job, because having no financial stability (of my own) scares the out of me. I've had a few health issues that have been making it a challenge (nothing serious, but it does kick my butt every now and then...I have no gallbladder and severe stomach issues that cause pain and nausea, and I'm pretty sure I also have issues because of low blood pressure).
I really need to figure out what it is I'm going to do. I want to work everything out, and although I know therapy won't solve everything I hope it helps.
Thanks for reading my ramblings. This forum really does help.

**Hopeless Dork** · 05-22-2010 02:55 PM

It would break my heart if my bf frequently looked at saved pics of co worker he had a crush on.

Its not like having a crush on some untouchable celeb (which would also make me feel bad) having a crush on someone you have contact with is dangerous territory.

I don't thinl you are overreacting... How would he feel if u were into a coworker so bad you had to stare at his pics all the time on your phone.

I agree with others, rethink this relationship before you marry and or breed with this man.

If he's fallen out of love it will crush you but leaving would be easier now than a few kids down the road.

I'm not saying he's out of love or that you should leave I'm saying.. Ask urself if you are happy in this relationship. If not, talk to him and see if you guys can't figure out how to get it back to what it was when you guys WERE happy.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-22-2010 05:09 PM

I would look at it differently:-

He says he resents you because your not working.

He says that you both have become too routine.

You both recently had a mis-carriage (I am sorry for your loss) and you bought into the conversation, that your cousin is pregnant and she is no where near ready to be a mum..

You have said he's basically a one minute man and you asked him to go to therapy.

He is viewing a woman... why?

Have a look above...

Would it be fair to say, your engaged, you maybe tried for a baby, want that family togetherness, married life.

And, he, on the other hand is being honest, he feels "married" not girlfriend and boyfriend, laughing, holding hands, still have that spark, whilst you both work together, financially towards your future.

I think that he feels stifled and I think, if you want that picture to go, then you need to look at your relationship together, from where it was 3 and a half years ago and where it is now, on "both sides"...

He's given clues as to how he is feeling and they need to be "heard" and addressed, as much as the the things you want to be "heard".

I believe that when another woman / man comes into the picture, then things are not happy at home, and the only way to fix it, is to listen, talk, and work towards fixing those problems...

Or else, honestly, it just gets more withdrawn and you will just get more peeved off over things and the whole thing will crumble.

I'm not saying he is right and you are wrong, I'm saying, he is speaking to you, telling you why in reality he is looking ... because he is on a different level than you at the moment, where he is at and how he sees things.

You have to be on the same level and marriage should still be fun, loving, happy and you can't wait to see each other..

Sometimes, living together, you can tend to take the role of "Mother/housekeeper" and forget that relationships still take work and should be fun as well as loving..

Kill me later

CW

**AshAG** · 05-22-2010 08:08 PM

HD- I agree. A celebrity crush wouldn't bother me so much, but it's the fact that they did work together and he said that they've emailed before through work (apparently about random stuff). It makes it a lot more tempting when the person is right there.
CW- I'm slightly confused as to where you were going. I'm going to try to go through each point and maybe you can clarify what you meant.
-we did get pregnant and miscarried, but it wasn't planned. He was nervous as , but extremely excited to be a daddy. It just crushed me because my cousin isn't ready (there's waaaay to much to explain on that one). We both want a family, eventually. I'm not sure where you were going with that
-Im not working due to a slew of reasons. I am now in the process of getting a job. As Ive stated earlier, I brought this situation up with him and discussed my guilt. Several times. According to him there was no problem
-I didn't realize that we've become routine because I didn't feel it. I've told him and we've talked about how were happy having a 'normal boring life'. I would assume that he would bring something up at this time if he wasn't happy. I've also asked him flat out if he was happy....how else can I change a situation if I'm not aware of it?
-I did not want to be disrespectful of him and call him a 'one minute man'. As I said, everything else is amazing, but the length of time is where I'm not happy. I brought it up because I wanted us to figure a way to solve this problem. It was hard for me to say, and probably harder for him to hear, but I wasn't being satisfied, and wanted to make it work.
-I never once asked him to go to therapy. He volunteered to do that on his own. I have a therapist I see, and he's always welcome to come with me. I would never force him to do something he didn't want to do.

**AshAG** · 05-22-2010 08:25 PM

-I do want family and togetherness, and he told me that he wants that too. I don't know where you picked up the fact that he's being honest. About what exactly? We've had multiple conversations about that topic. We've had our differences, but were on the same page when it comes to family. He also introduces me as his wife, because he wants to. He stares at my ring occassionally and tells me he was so happy he made that decision (he drove 2 hours out of town to design my ring himself). Were in the process of planning our wedding, which he fought for (I wanted to elope). I literally ask him step by step questions so there's no confusion about what were both trying to say. Again, when we get into an argument, he either sits there and says nothing, or gets completely defensive and shuts me out it takes a long time to get through to him. I'm probably too honest about what I tell him. I share everything with him because I've been in relationships that were covered in lies. It's no way to live and I absolutely refuse to live that way again. He knew this from the start (and at first MY insecurities were an issue, and I used to get suspicious, but I've realized those are my issues to deal with and he will not be punished for a past boyfriends mistakes).
-I'm not looking for clues. I WANT and REQUIRE honesty. He has had plenty of opportunity to say what he needs to. I've told him to just be honest, and the few times he's just been honest, I told him I appreciated it, we worked on it and moved on. I'm not a mind reader, nor am I a detecive.

**AshAG** · 05-22-2010 08:41 PM

Still getting used to the iPod, I've submitted twice before I was done!
My last point is, although I do most of the housework, I do not treat him like my son. I am not his mother, and I don't act that way. I feel I am very nurturing, but I wouldn't say I 'mother' him. And even though I don't have a job, I don't make him my sole focus. It's not his job to constantly entertain me. I know relationships take work and effort. I also realize the only way to fix this is to be honest and listen. I can't stress enough how much I do that! I am an emotional (and I'd like to think rational as well) person and I realize how important honesty is. I really do! And heknows the floors open so that he can talk to me about anything (like I said, about 80% of our intense conversations he says nothing, and I have a feeling it's due, in part, to the fact that he was censored as a child....I was too, but we took different paths. I actually left home at 16 because my mother knew I smoked, didn't approve, but told her I wasn't quitting and I wouldn't lie to her about it..she still asks why to this day didnt I lie. I realize people tell white lies, but I cannot stand lying, how it makes me feel, and how it makes other people feel. It can and does destroy relationships).
CW, I appreciate you playing devils advocate, but I'm still confused. Hopefully you can clarify what I'm confused about.
Thanks everyone for the responses. I'm having a hard time navigating this. I love him so so much, but feel so let down. It makes me sick to my stomach knowing what he did. And I question what I don't know. I'm rambling again! Thanks everyone so much for the help. It makes me feel a little less alone in this, and that helps.