New here, need help with fiance and female friends

**Syl** · 05-24-2010 10:32 AM

Hello! I'm new here, but desperately need help.

My fiance' and I reconnected with each other about a year and 1/2 ago, and I truly feel (as does he) that THIS relationship is what we have been looking for all our lives. He is a Christian, loving, sharing, good man, very gregarious and loves all people. It is hard, though, because it has been a long-distance relationship, meaning trust is of the utmost importance.

Which brings us to this - the only problem is his female friends and ex-girlfriends. He is in touch with many female friends, including his exes - one in particular who lives out of town, but is a part of a larger group of friends. That is what started the whole mistrust issue to begin with - a few months after we started seeing each other, he went out of town to see a concert. A few months later he confesses and tells me he didn't stay with 'friends' exactly, but rather with his ex-girlfriend. His reason for not telling me was we were still in a new relationship, and he wasn't sure what I would do when he told me. Nothing happened between them (I do believe him), but after that, we set boundaries as to what is respectful and acceptable with regards to his communication with her, and female friends in general, but he's quite often stepped over those boundaries, creating trust issues and insecurity (on my side). We talk it out each time, I think they are resolved, then something else will come up and we do it all over again - rehash the boundaries, agree to them, and so on.

With each misstep, I grow more mistrustful. And yesterday I did the worst thing I've ever done, I looked at his lists of text messages. And I found where he had texted his ex-girlfriend, the one with whom I have the most problems accepting, at midnight after drinking beer with a buddy.

This was against our boundaries (no talking to females after we have said good-night to each other was one of them), but he also had been telling me for months that he hadn't talked to her, which isn't exactly true. But more than that, I can't think of a pure reason my fiance' would be texting an ex-girlfriend in the middle of the night while drunk.

I'm sick. I'm sick that I'm to the point of checking his phone behind his back (I have NEVER been this type of person!) and I'm sick because I believe he has unresolved feelings for her, and maybe he doesn't even realize it. But I cannot marry a man who does not belong to me 100%.

What should I do? Ignore it? Talk to him and confess? Believe him when he says it means nothing?

Thank you for any thoughts you'd like to share.

**JadedQueen** · 05-24-2010 01:45 PM

Is it possible that they are just friends, and maybe he now thinks of her as a "buddy". I have had a relationship with a guy and it was off and on for 3 years on the last go round we knew that it just wasn't meant to be and went our seperate ways. We didn't talk for a long while but we ended up getting back in touch and we are really good friends NOTHING more. I don't know if it's cuz of our past history or what but I have absolutely no feelings for him aside from friendship and I am quite sure he has none for me. His girlfriend is very accepting of our friendship, she and I have become friends as well and often times when they get into a fight he will come to my place and stay the night but NOTHING happens. His girlfriend is well aware of where he is and generally when he's venting about what they fought about more often than not I am on her side and find a way for him to put things into perspective.

**Hopeless Dork** · 05-24-2010 02:02 PM

I don't think a committed guy needs a female buddy to talk to in the middle of the night, sorry... I think its way out of line. Especially so if this person is an ex.

You've every good reason to be concerned...but checking his phone, trying to beg him to stop this behavior won't fix the big issue; the fact he obviosly thinks he needs them or wants them in his life... Even at the cost of lying to you, hurting your feelings and causing mistrust.

His priorities don't seem to place you near the top... And freaking out, monitoring him and endless fights won't make him organically want things different.

At best he's pacifying you to keep the peace meanwhile making a decision to continue the behaviors that bring u heartache.

In my opinion he's just no ready, as much as he thinks he is, to put you (and your feelings) and his commitment to you first.

You can't ask for that or demand it.. It only means anything when its given, out of love and a true desire to make you happy.

I wouldn't rush into marriage thinking it will get his feelings together... That part should come before it.

**Syl** · 05-24-2010 02:06 PM

He tells me they are just buddies - he knew her when young, then met up with her again when he re-met up with the group he ran with back then. After the group started getting together on vacations, etc... they briefly became girlfriend/boyfriend, but he said she didn't want the same things he did, so they stopped the relationship, and now are 'just friends.'

But texting her that late at night, after drinking, just has me suspicious, especially since that was specifically a no-no - NO TALKING TO WOMEN AFTER WE HAD SAID GOOD-NIGHT TO EACH OTHER. It's not that hard of a rule, is it?

It's not so much that he still talks to her, because I understand that part - it's the fact that he's doing it behind my back, even after all the trouble we've had with this particular friendship... I don't think he's having any type of an affair with her. But I do think he must still have feelings, even if HE doesn't know it, if he's trying to keep it secret - otherwise, wouldn't he just be up front? He knows all he has to do is say "By the way, I talked with XXX last night, she's doing good..." or whatever.

**sourpuss** · 05-24-2010 02:31 PM

Originally Posted by Hopeless Dork

In my opinion he's just no ready, as much as he thinks he is, to put you (and your feelings) and his commitment to you first.

I wouldn't rush into marriage thinking it will get his feelings together... That part should come before it.

seconded

**lushley666** · 05-25-2010 02:30 AM

Texting an ex after drinking and late at night is not good but lying about it is even worse - I dont agree with checking phones but also I really dont agree with texting ex's! Both are not good grounds for a marriage.