leave or stay

**cristinacal** · 05-25-2010 03:49 AM

I'm confused.... I've know my husband for 16 years and have lived in a sexless marriage for 12 years. When we dated sex was occasional and unsatisfactory but not non-existent. After we got married he preferred BJs oral after which he'd lose the erection as soon as he was inside me. He's kind, generous, good looking and well-to-do. We still live with his parents and have no children. The first year into our marriage I discovered him watching porn to get off. When we discussed it he said it was just a "release" and nothing else. He said it was not cheating. We visited a sex therapist who told me in private that he felt my husband was too used to masturbation and had replaced sex with it. He suggested that we had sex at least twice a week even if we didn't feel like it. He suggested I be kind and not judgmental if he could not perform satisfactorily. (in the past I had commented on his softies). He didn't try even once and later refused to go back saying that there was nothing wrong with him. I insisted he visit a urologist, after several tests declared he was declared healthy and Viagra was prescribed. He used it thrice, complained of vision problems and then stopped. He has always liked his evening drinks and parties but over the years it has become a daily habit and he's never home till 1 or 2 am. His complete disregard for the sexual aspect of our relationship has put me through heartache, depression, lack of self-esteem and infidelity. He never cared to initiate after I stopped initiating. I had an old flame from my study-work period in Italy in my 20's, whom I used to meet annually on holiday but I'd always come back to this "pretend" relationship. After 12 yrs I'm 43 and I've always had a hankering to move back to Italy and live my life all over again... I wish I'd never moved back to India. By some miracle last year, I met a great Italian guy who is posted in my city and what was meant to be an affair has turned into a serious relationship. He wants me to move in with him, marry him and move away next year. He's amazing, loving, younger, great looking, really loves me and we have great sex. He's not as well to do as my husband but we're happy together. I'm confused because the thought of leaving my husband and my "comfort zone" seems risky. I even get depressed at times. I have a great job and my parents have been very supportive. My husband is kind and a great provider but loves his drink, night life and dreams of getting super rich. I'm convinced that's all he lives for...
My new man is down to earth, steady and wants to have a baby and a real future with me. He's offering me the life I've dreamed of returning to. I want to leave my husband but I'm scared of the future... of starting over again at this age...of failing again ... of the unknown, probably of leaving this fake bubble I'm living in.... I'm in a state that swings from depression to confusion. I don't want to leave my BF and can't imagine live without him but I feel really sad about dumping my husband. I need your advice and help...

**Iseulda** · 05-26-2010 11:28 AM

The bubble you say you live in is comfortable but there is no passion.

Moving away again is a little scary and daunting - but there is passion and life to be lived.

I think you know what you want to do, I think you know what you need to do. I think you owe it to yourself as much as to your husband to be honest with him and leave.

Leave on the understanding that you are leaving for you. Not because this new man promises something, not because he wants you to. If you can take those things away and say even without the boyfriend you will be happier without your husband then leave.

I wish you all the best.

**Hopeless Dork** · 05-26-2010 11:42 AM

I had to cringe at his frequent masturbation to porn as 'release' when he has no energy for sex with you. Thats SELFISHNESS... not release... he could release in an intimate way with you but chooses to do so solo. He's out all night, he has no interest in giving you what you need (the passion, the feeling of being desired) and seems only interested in what makes him happy.

If you are living to make him happy, and he's living to make him happy... there is nothing left for you. I don't condone affairs... I honestly think when you realize someone does not love you the way you deserve you can exit and build a life on your own until you find someone else to share it with.

But whats done is done. If you are only holding on to your marriage for the false sense of security... if the love is gone, its time to pack it in. You've waited over a decade for him to show you that you matter, that being close to you matters and he still isn't doing it... chances of him ever doing it later are slim to none.

You can wait on him with hopes and heartaches another 10 years, another 20 years. Life is short AND long. You guys want different things... he wants masturbation, you want intimacy with your husband. You want to experience life , he wants to fantasize about life. He wants to party like a frat boy out til the wee hours of the morning every night and you don't.

Is there any common ground besides him providing financially in a way you deem adequate? He may be handsome, but so is a poster of Brad Pitt... and if your husband won't touch you -- he's only as satisfying as said poster.

I don't agree with the cheating, but I can understand your insecurities and lonliness driving you away from him. But its time to stop living the shadows, and to live a life that you can be proud of and be happy with -- and if its not with your husband, if you've given it all you got ... it might be time to let go.

**sourpuss** · 05-26-2010 12:15 PM

Would you be willing to leave for your own happiness if there was no other man? It sounds like you've tried everything to make it work and he's unwilling to meet you half way. If it were me, I'd leave. But not because there was another man. I'd leave so I could be happy.

**stressedlou** · 05-26-2010 03:03 PM

Leave!!! You only get this life once!! Granted the grass is not always greener but your never going to know if you don't give it a go... The new guys sounds like the definite winner here! AND he's offering you children - the greatest gift which your current husband is clearly never going to provide! But the big question here is what is your heart telling you to do? I'm a firm believer in always following your heart!

**rhiannon34** · 05-28-2010 10:41 AM

My dad always told me, "The biggest obstacles in our lives is our own fears." I suspect your husband may be a nacissist.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-28-2010 03:24 PM

What is failure? It is failing to try, failing to take a risk, failing to believe.

How do people see things? Does it matter?

Marriage is sacred and in it you try and try and try but it takes two.

You have tried and tried, he has issues deep, he turns to alcohol as he has a dream and your not in it, and he can't reach it, because he doesn't believe, he just wants.

Now you have a dream and someone is in it, it can be reached, believe....

CW

**jns** · 05-29-2010 09:45 AM

cristinacal, you said sex was unsatisfactory, even from the start. Was it too short, was it too rough, did he not bring you to orgasm, what was the problem? Can you bring him to climax by masturbating him? With or without porn? How has your lover changed things? If you leave, are finances going to be a problem?

**Ahryin** · 05-30-2010 01:30 AM

Originally Posted by sourpuss

Would you be willing to leave for your own happiness if there was no other man? It sounds like you've tried everything to make it work and he's unwilling to meet you half way. If it were me, I'd leave. But not because there was another man. I'd leave so I could be happy.

I agree with Sour...you spent your entire post talking about what others need and your actions attempting to provide comfort...so I raise the question what about you? What about your life? If you were to have a child with your husband would he provide the love and nurture your child would need? What other ways if any does your husband use to show you he loves you? Have you ever stopped to think that maybe your marriage is a convience to him as well as you. It sounds as if you are more worried about the financial impliments than your own happiness. You shouldn't leave your husband because of any man....you should leave your husband for yourself. Thats not only my advice to you, but to all women. If you leave for someone else and it doesn't work then you will always look back and wonder "what if I stayed would things get better blah blah blah or I made the wrong choice" if you leave for yourself then you will never wonder...because you will know it was the best thing.

**cristinacal** · 06-15-2010 02:34 AM

Thanks for your reply. As you say I should be honest with my husband but I think I'll hurt him... he keeps saying he has no one else in the world but me. I think he's trying to gain my sympathy and though I should just leave I feel bad to. I've spoken to him about moving out and he says he's not ready to let me go. If he wouldn't make it so difficult I'd just go. Moving away is very scary and that's why I'm still rooted to the ground, it's the fear of the unknown. As you said I do know what I have to do but seem unable to make the next move. I have to admit that I would like to leave not just for me but because of my BF, what he promises, all the things I need to live a more fulfilling life. I'm scared that if it weren't for my BF I'd just resign myself into believing that the security and comfort that my husband represents may be sufficient.... here lies my dilemma. My life with BF promises to be loving and exciting... why do I have so many doubts? Is it my culture, which preaches marriages are forever... but then this isn't a real marriage. Is it because he cares for me, wants to protect me, is it fear...