My husband wanted to cheat

**MusicMom88** · 05-26-2010 11:17 PM

My husband and I have been married for 2 1/2 years and we have 1 child who is almost 2 years old. We also just had another child who is now 1 month old. For the last several months my husband has wanted to cheat and almost did. He was doing this when I was pregnant with our second child and even right after I gave birth. I found a text on his phone and he finally admitted he had been flirting with a girl at work. I had earlier found out that he had been watching porn for the past year or longer and I got so mad and told him to stop. After that (because I stopped him from watching porn) he says he decided he wanted to cheat on me (I was about 8 months pregnant at the time). He went on a business trip and met a girl on the plane and took off his wedding ring and cuddled with her (but nothing else happened he says). There were numerous girls at his work he had been talking with and wanted to cheat with. He asked one girl to take her home, but she said no thanks. He even took our son's car seat out of his car and bought condoms and put them in his car. He only told me all of this after I saw the text from the girl. He now says he's so sorry and he never wanted to leave us and he'll never do it again. He never actually did anything but he was so close... I just caught him before he did it. I'm so scared he is going to do it again and how can I ever trust him. Especially because he did all this when I was pregnant, it hurts even more. Should I give him a second chance? I said I would and have been trying but I keep getting really upset. What do I do?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-26-2010 11:38 PM

Welcome to the Forum.

Did you ask him "why, he stated to you that he wanted to cheat, just because you asked him to stop watching porn?"..

I know that age is not an excuse, love is love.. But, are you both quite young?

I always say, the reason for any cheating, emotionally or physically is because something is missing...

If he watched Porn, I would imagine he is quite active sexually, and he can not use the fact that you were pregnant and perhaps not wanting as much sex as the reason to cheat.

I don't like the fact that it wasn't spontanious, that being that he took the car seat out, took off his wedding ring, told you he wanted to cheat, all premediated.

What did the text message say from the girl? I ask because he is stating he "stopped" and didn't cheat on you and I think that you are not sure if that is true anyway.

People do make mistakes, people can love their SO and think that they are invincible, can play up and never get caught but would never want their SO to leave them, they are comfortable.

Is his personality one that has lied to you in the past? Told you things that he will do but never does them?

Sorry for all the questions

But, it will help the readers.

CW

**rcoreyus** · 05-27-2010 07:33 AM

I agree with CW that its important to know why he wanted to cheat. If he was watching porn and you insisted that he stop, then he wanted to cheat - maybe the issue revolves around sex. Do either of you regularly turn the other down for sex?

**WildChild** · 05-27-2010 07:46 AM

Sounds almost like an immature, I'll show you!
Communication.

**sourpuss** · 05-27-2010 08:51 AM

Originally Posted by WildChild

Sounds almost like an immature, I'll show you!
Communication.

That's what I thought when I read it. Like he was trying to punish her for putting a stop to the porn thing.

**Hopeless Dork** · 05-27-2010 10:40 AM

Ooh tripple agree with WC... very very very immature, not only in his actions but in how he handled relaying them to you. Very IN YOUR FACE!! No porn?! Fine I'll just cheat on you (yeah, cause that'll hurt way less :\).

About as mature as you saying, buy me that prada bag! No? Fine I'll just go sit on tony's lap and ask HIM to buy it for me. Just childish... just SELFISH.

A mature man will understand that hormones and uh... carrying around , you know, a human in your gut might make you feel a bit less sexual and will respect the fact you're at least 25 pounds heavier than you're comfortable with, swollen and cranky... and will try to make you feel BETTER... not worse, during this time.

He can masturbate his needs for a couple months during your pregnancy. And if he 'must' use porn... he could handle it respectfully, not rub your nose in it, especially in your sensitive state... when you likely are suffering some insecurities about your body and whatnot.

Can you trust him again? I honestly don't know if you ever could have trusted him in the first place... but you are where you are. A couple kids deep and married. Doesn't mean your doomed to live with however he treats you... not by any means. But it does mean you sort of have an obligation to give it your best shot.

But then, so does he. He needs to step it up and prove to you that he can be faithful, by giving you respect, showing you he cares, and making you feel special and loved. He needs to be willing to deal with what will surely be some anxiety on your part for a while until you can get past what he almost did.

If he's willing to put forth the effort, to comfort you and try to ease your mind, then I think you can move forward... if its what you want to do... to a healthier place in your relationship.

It sounds like he has a LOT of growing up to do. Hopefully he can achieve that without causing you any more grief.

**MusicMom88** · 05-27-2010 11:29 AM

Thanks everyone for your input. Yes, we are young. I'm 22 and he's 26. We got married because I was pregnant.. Though we did both truly love each other. We weren't having sex at all really during my second pregnancy. I was just so tired dealing with a 1 year old and being pregnant, I was never in the mood. I would just go to sleep with my son and he'd come to bed way later saying he was "working" when he was really watching porn. He says that saying he wanted to cheat because I stopped the porn was just an excuse. He knows how bad everything that he did is and he is so sorry for it. He also says though that he always wanted to have sex with a lot of woman... I was only the second girl he ever slept with. So he just wanted to "get it out of his system" and never tell me about it. He says he never wanted to leave me. He realizes how dumb that is now and has cried saying how much he loves me and the kids and wants to stay. I just can't the idea out of my head that he WOULD have cheated if I hadn't caught him... And it was so planned out...

With buying condoms, cleaning out his car, etc... He says he doesn't know what to do to make it up to me or to make me trust him again and I don't know either.

**Hopeless Dork** · 05-27-2010 12:09 PM

Time, reassurance, patience and future good behavior is all he can really offer to make things up to you. Its going to take time for the hurt to heal, its going to take reassurance of how he feels about you, patience on his part in allowing you this time to heal where you will have good days and trust him, and bad days where you accuse of him of anything and everything... and he will need to mind his ps and qs from this point out... as to not nullify any of the healing thats taken place.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-27-2010 05:55 PM

We weren't having sex at all really during my second pregnancy.

Hun, 9 months is a long time

Not, that I am trying to put any blame here, but don't you think if that amount of time passes and he had only just started in that field, that he would maybe miss that and hense the porn?

Also, if you slept in the same bed as your son, then he would come to bed late, obviously there would be no sex, as your son is there, you can get yourself into a pattern that is very hard to break.

Relationships do take work. And, maybe he felt love, but no intimacy or passion in his life and was craving that?

Sometimes you have to look at the "reasons" why things break down and correct those, reasons..

Sometimes, it's not so black and white, ie) what he did, but why?

Why not talk openly to him and ask him, what he loves about your marriage, what he doesn't and you too.

What he can do around the house so your not as tired, nights where you both cuddle and watch a movie together, nights where someone takes the babies and you can have some "me" time together...

CW

**MusicMom88** · 05-27-2010 07:16 PM

Ok, well I shouldn't have said not at all, lol. We did have sex, but only every couple weeks or so. And I was always the one that initiated it. And yes, my son slept with us, but we would usually go in the living room and have sex after he fell asleep, but my husband stopped trying to do that. I just figured he was being nice and knew that I didn't really enjoy sex when I was so pregnant (we had sex a lot before my belly got big but after that, it was so uncomfortable for me). He's told me, in the nicest way he can, that my body is not like it used to be and he knows it's cuz I've had 2 kids, but he would like my body to be like it used to be. I'm about 20 lbs bigger since having the kids. If I had known stopping porn would make him want to cheat, I would have said PLEASE watch porn! Lol. I just don't get why men watch porn! Since all this, we are having a lot more sex, but he says he still likes watching sex too... I've tried watching it with him but it's just so gross to me!! Any suggestions on how to spice up our sex life so it's with ME and not other woman or porn?