Fiance including extended family in honeymoon

**garowe526** · 06-02-2010 08:46 AM

My husband to be and his mother are very close. In fact he has never left the town he grew up in because she has always encouraged him to stay. We are six weeks from our wedding, the second for both of us. We both have children from our previous marriages and opted to forgo a traditional honeymoon (for now) and include our children in a week long trip following the ceremony. We had passed on using a home owned by his family as our familymoon spot because I felt strongly that as this was our first trip as a family unit, it should be limited to us, our children and an objective and unrelated "helper" who would allow us to have some time alone...possibly for a couple of dinners, early morning beach walks, etc. I thought we were in agreement when we booked a rental house on the coast only to learn that his parents are now planning to rent a house four or five miles away during the time we will be there. His thought is that they along with his siblings will help with the children and that I'm over reacting because I don't want them to go. Maybe I am, but despite the fact that we have been living together for over a year his parents have never offered to be around my children, don't really know them, and treat his child much differently than mine.

I like his family, I want to get to know them better, but I don't like the tone this sets immediately after we are married. My first marriage was difficult because I had overly involved in-laws and my first husband and I never really seemed to be a family unit - we always had this extended family vibe. I am afraid that this means that every summer we will be expected to have a family vacation that includes his parents and siblings.

Frankly with small children, financial commitments from our first marriages, and the normal expenses associated with setting up house, this could be our only vacation this year and I want to enjoy it...I don't want to be pressured to have dinner every evening with his family, plan daily activities around what they like doing, etc. I also want to take an unrelated "helper" so that I can have a little downtime too. My children don't know his family well enough to want to go places with them, stay over with them, nor do I want to hand the children off for multiple nights during what is supposed to be our FIRST family vacation. SO regardless of what his family does to help him take care of his child, I will be on the go ALL the time chasing my two.

More than anything, I am concerned that I am NEVER included in the decision making in these instances and am expected to accept whatever works for him and his family. I am having serious second thoughts about our relationship because of this and similar situations in the past. It seems like we talk about these types of things, but ultimately he does what he wants to do. Can anyone offer some objective thoughts?

**pretzel** · 06-02-2010 09:17 AM

Passive Agressive,

My thoughts,

Your husband either invited his parents and siblings down or they invited themselves and he didn't dissuade them. My guess, he thought it a quick and easy way to kill two birds with one stone. You and he wanted some quiet time together since it is in a sense a honeymoon. Why not let his parents be the babysitters?

Reality check, his family will treat their blood relatives differently than they would your children. Not saying it's right or fair, that's just the way it is. You've already accepted that so it's hard to try to change it now that you and he are officially married.

Yeah he went behind your back. Not excusing what he did. You're the bad guy now. You say something then you're talking about his family and you not wanting to be part of it. You don't say anything then you've accepted it.

**sourpuss** · 06-02-2010 10:14 AM

The situation is what it is now and trying to change it will make you the bad guy for sure. Why not take this opportunity to allow the in laws to get to know your children? It may be the perfect opportunity for that since it's neutral ground.

**garowe526** · 06-02-2010 11:59 AM

REALLY appreciate the objective thoughts, very helpful. Thank to those who are writing!!

**garowe526** · 06-02-2010 12:03 PM

To clarify, we aren't married yet...we are six weeks from our wedding.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-02-2010 04:09 PM

Firstly, I think you have to ask yourself a question... Are you in fear of what you did before in your previous marriage regarding in-laws and therefore, have shut and/or want to shut the in-laws to be, out of this one? What I don't get is that your getting married in 6 weeks but they do not know your children, so I guess I posed that question because they are willing to be 5 miles away from you to look after them so you can have some quality time together, doesn't sound like it's them that is closing that door.

You'd like an "un-related helper" on the honeymoon, but then you state your children do not know your soon to be in-laws well enought to go somewhere with them but, reality, nor will they know an "un-related helper", so isn't it better to be with family, safer?

More than anything, I am concerned that I am NEVER included in the decision making in these instances and am expected to accept whatever works for him and his family. I am having serious second thoughts about our relationship because of this and similar situations in the past. It seems like we talk about these types of things, but ultimately he does what he wants to do

.

But again, do you close that door and he is aware of what happened in your past marriage so in-advertently, he is trying to get them involved but without the risk of making you think your going through that again, so therefore, making that management decision. I would expect that if two people are getting married, they know the problems from the past marriages, as they have communicated this.

This seems more to do with his family... Maybe they are different and don't want to crowd you like the past in-laws did, maybe they just want to be a bit of a part of it and he's working on that as well.

They are family, your kids therefore, will be safe, they will get a chance to bond and you will get a chance to relax and actually have a honeymoon. If you have "boundries" there, talk about them.. Let your Fiance know that, it's a great idea but you don't want to spend evenings having meals with the family as it's a honeymoon... But, you'd be greatful to sneak a couple of evening candle lit meals together, and collect the children after if they wouldn't mind, seeing as they will be there for you both....

I understand that it's a honeymoon and it should be me time... See whether or not the intentions from them are to give you guys space, not cramp your style

CW