Thread: New here, needing some feedback from men or women, over 40..

any idea why he wants to masturbate alone rather than do things with you? I understand that he might have physical issues maintaining an erection, but I'd hope he would be happy to do all sorts of other things for you.

I'm an over-40 man, and would never choose masturbation if my wife were available.

I have talked to him about just, that.... He states that "all men need to!". I have been trying to delve further without threatening him, but have not hit the nail on the head, yet.

I have stated that i am open to any...and all suggestions, positions, and the like. I am stumped on this..
(concerning the question on erection) He has tried one of the popular drugs of the time, but found it had a terrible side effect for him. But there have only been a few times he could not maintain. (I let him choose when we engage in sex), Raring to go on my part. I used to be the one who was but it made him feel pressured.

actually it sounds a lot to me like he's feeling under pressure to perform with you.
masturbation is something that most boys do and enjoy and much as they like having sex with you most of them still like to go solo occasionally.
when he's by himself he's not under any pressure.

why is this such a big issue to you? sorry that sounded really accusing but im interested.

x

While talking about a year ago, he confided to me, he has had, what he refers to as a "Private" life. I discovered some unsavory things. Also, he made a promise to me he would not be doing that anymore. I DID NOT, solicit this, he offered.
I listened, and tried to understand, this private life, some of which i accept, some i did not. But, I love him, so..... we talked about it. I guess what it comes down to, is ..he lied to me, (again).. and i lose respect towards him each time.

I'm not 40 but maybe its time you developed your own 'private life'. I use to be an avid supporter of communication and trying to work it out but when it comes this issue I don't believe its fixable. I've been converted to the darkside as in... if he's going to be selfish and address his needs regaurdless of what you need, you should do the same.

I'm not saying cheat, I'm saying find something else to provide you with stimulation... vibrators, naughty books, movies, elaborate fantasies... if its interaction you need like most women do maybe cybersex, cam/phone sex in a safe setting of course -- with NO meeting the other person in real life.

Theres just too many women, myself in this group occasionally (sometimes its not this way, sometimes it is) that have partners that are too 'tired' for sex, 'not in the mood'... but some how in the mood for masturbation or porn. You can ask them why, you can try other things to make the sex better... doesn't matter. If its their preference to spend their sexual energy away from you ... you can do backflips in the bed wearing their favorite fantasy outfits, and all you will be doing is expending energy that they don't/won't/ can't fathom how to appreciate more than whatever it is their self-time gives them.

Sorry for being so negetive, but it just doesn't work... women wonder maybe i'm not sexy enough, maybe I'm not doing something he wants so they internalize this issue and go to work trying to overplease their partner and... it just doesn't matter.

If you love him, and want to stay with him, and want to be faithful (absolutely think this is crucial) you're going to need to focus on your own pleasure if he's only focused on his own as well. What I'm saying is... don't pull your hair out waiting for him, do your own thing. If you don't want sex when he does... don't have it. I know , I know, its hard to turn down a free lunch when you are starving... but if you quit starving yourself you'll be able to have sex with him when YOU are in the mood not just because you are taking every last table scrap he tosses your way.

It seems SO counterproductive to work on a seperate fantasy sex life away from your partner when all you really want is one with them. But you aren't going to convince him to give this up for you, or to put his energy towards you unless he ever gets it in his mind that its worth waiting for you and being with you. Don't hold your breath though, do your own thing.

Hopeless Dork... I have done some of what you stated. It did not go over well at all. I am very open sexually, and as stated have a very high sex drive. He cannot satisfy that, so i purchased toys, he does not wish me to use them. I also tried cyber-sex just recently, and, well if i had continued, i would be divorced right now.. Please do not misunderstand, up until 2 years ago i would have never contimplated such things, nor did i think he would either. As the Mid-Life is at the doorstep... things have been changing in our relationship, (both).. Actually, i am just being honest with what my senses have chosen to dismiss. He has had several affairs, several email accounts, many meetings with former g/f's, and ....... more.
He states that i am pleasing to him in all ways, and that he loves the time we spend together. I have even asked if he feels, he needs more then i am giving. Someone else, or several others.. his reply; NO... So, i continue to seek out possibilities to the situation. But know, that if i change anything about myself it is For MYself... and if this pleases him it is an added perk.
I do not wish to have things "as they once were", change is growth, and can be good. Communication, and understanding is what i seek. To spend what years we have in exploration with each other, and within morals, of individuality. If possible.

So he masturbates alone and has 'a private life' outside of the relationship.(which I assume is sexual) Yet, you're not allowed to use sex toys by yourself?! There is something wrong (and controlling) with that picture.

Sourpuss,
Agreed.... Conrol does seem to be a part. I assume the best soultion would be to seek out therapy. I do not know if he would join me, but it may help me. Might you have any other thoughts/advise on this?