Having trouble letting go of fiance's past

**jleigh726** · 06-04-2010 09:30 PM

I have a problem letting something go. Before my fiance and I met, he had a "friends with benefits" situation with a woman that was 27 years older than him (he's 33). They had no relationship to speak of, not really even friends. they would just meet in a hotel and have sex. He did this 3 times. He told me about it and to his credit was very honest about it. The problem is I know logically that this was before me so it shouldn't matter. But I can't stop thinking about it. Mainly I know I'm feeling insecure, but I don't know exactly about what. I know he finds me attractive, but I think sleeping with someone that is the age of your mom is inappropriate. I also don't like the fact that he didn't even know her last name. I wonder if this is a character flaw. He assures me that he's never done anything like this before, not even a one-night stand. He's very loving and really is a great guy. I'm seeking advice on how to let this go and maybe some suggestions on how to curb the nagging sarcastic mean thoughts I have when I think about it. I love him with all my heart and know that this my issue. Any advice and help would be appreciated.

**LanaBear** · 06-04-2010 09:56 PM

It's before you... Why does it matter?

Don't dwell on the past, it's not fair to him or you.

Did you have partners before him? Does he care?
Would it have mattered if the gal was 2, 5, 10 or 15 years older than him?

Age is just a number, if they had sexual chemistry, so be it, they were both consenting adults. Whatever paths in life he took, it led him to you, right here, right now. Whatever life's lessons he experienced, shaped him into the man that you are in love with, right here, right now.

Don't over think it because you are just bound to find problems and issues where they don't exist.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-05-2010 06:54 PM

When you are single, and an Adult, it's your prerogative to do what you want to do, as long as your not hurting anyone else. It's also an opportunity, to explore, experiment and if you think that men are not curious over "Cougars" then your wrong, they are..

Sean Connelly for instance, is "older" much older than me, but if I was single, I would at least have contemplated it

Your problem is that you view this as "in-appropriate", if he said just a lady, around 30 you would have been "okay" with it.

Generally, unfortunately, when one partner, tells of something that he / she did in the past that doesn't just quite sit, it will always be an issue, and it is in-security, in your case, it's what if he likes secretly "older women? "... It's a mentality thing.

Think of it as "good", your man was adventurous, he chose to try something different, new to him, adventurous so your not going to have a boring partner, one would think... He's open to suggestions, open to difference...

Allot of women that are "older" love the youth of a man, it's exciting for them, they don't feel old, they feel attractive, sexy, alive and for them it's also "adventurous" and probably something they would never thought of doing when they were 30, but at 60 why the heck not... As long as it's safe.

More than likely she instigated it anyway.

But the bottom line is, as I said, it's in-security... If he was to discuss it properly with you, having no more fear about your reactions you would probably find all I stated above was the reasons and actions and really, besides Lana's comment of "it's the past" which is so very true it's not in-appropriate. Nothing about sex is taboo if consentual with both parties, nor should it be, it's life, it's experience and it's okay....

It's when they are in a relationship and you ascertain things going on that shouldn't be that it's NOT OKAY....

CW

**Sweetest Love** · 06-05-2010 08:47 PM

I'd have to agree with Lana, focus on the present. Don't worry about what his past was like. If you must think of it, do as Lana suggest... remember everything that he went thru and experienced in the past brought him to you and helped to make him the man he is. I also think that CW is onto something. It may be just that because she was older you have a concern that he is attracted to older women (and you are not that), but that would be like seeing an bf's ex who is a blond, or that has big breast, or even unattractive, and being worried that he is only attracted to that type...sometimes attraction can be unexplainable... but at the end of the day all that matters is that He is with YOU, because you chose him and he chose YOU, so forget about everything else. Remember that when you start to feel those "nagging, sarcastic thoughts"

**DannyTy** · 06-15-2010 06:50 AM

This is my problem with my fiance. She was married before, and I got really crazy when there were things in her house that she and her ex had shared, things that he picked out, things that he bought... We ended up cleaning the entire house out and starting over with things of "our own". I just wanted to forget about him, and I want her to forget about him. The problem I had was the fact that when we first met, she was still "confused" about her husband. She had sex with him after we'd been throwing the L word around. She had considered leaving me to go back to him. The divorce is final, and she got completely over him, but it is really hard for me to think about, still. We've been together for seven months now. All this happened 7-8 months ago. You'd think I'd be over it by now, right? Well, the thing that she keeps reminding me, and that I need to keep reminding myself about, is that SHE CHOSE ME. She could have been with him, or pretty much anyone else in this world, but she chose to be with me. She's crazy about me. She brags about me, and she is very proud of me. She isn't with others. She's with me, solely. Remember that about your man. He's with you. He chose to be with you, not this other lady. It's nothing. It's not important. Forget about it!

**Joey** · 06-15-2010 04:12 PM

I agree with the above posts. His past is just that - his past. He clearly has changed since then, and has no interest in this women anymore as you both seem so in love and happy together. I must admit, i can see why you would almost panic at first - i think i would freak out initially if i found out that my boyfriend had been sleeping with a women older then my own mum - but like Ive said, and many of the other posters, its better to leave his past in the past. Its easier said then done to forget about it - i know, as theres a few things that i still simmer over in regards to my boyfriend and his past, but i do try and think that whats the point of dredging over and bringing up his past constantly? you should be living in the present and cherishing every moment of NOW with your guy.