My husband cheated. Now what!?

**Myself** · 06-07-2010 08:59 PM

My husband and I have been together for 4 years.

We have been married for 1 1/2 years and have a beautiful baby girl.

The first years of being together were rough because my family did not approve of him. ( anyone not a doctor or lawyer etc. would not have met with their approval) But we loved each other enough to work it out.

The first year of our marriage was like a dream.

Then about 6 months ago, he got let go at work. I had quit my job to care for our daughter full time. We have felt a serious financial pinch. Our relationship has suffered. He has closed himself off from me and other members of the family. He doesn't seem to enjoy spending time with our daughter. ( he was a great dad previously) And he shows no interest in an intimate relationship with me.

We have sex less than once a month and he puts no effort into pleasing me at all. Then 11 days ago, I logged into his email randomly and found emails from multiple girls. He has been sending provocative messages and pictures back and forth with these girls.

And i found plans to meet with 1 girl who is local. I confronted him and we had a very calm conversation.

He claimed that he didn't actually intend to meet with the girl and didn't feel that his actions were cheating.

I told him that I disagreed and it had to stop.

He appologized and assured me it wouldn't happen again.

Yesterday I decided to do a little digging and see if he had really stopped. I found that he had created a new email account with a new password and not told me about it.

I figured out his password and in the new email found multiple messages to and from other girls, pictures of naked girls and girls in sexual acts that they had sent to him, and multiple account to online dating services.

He has spent hundreds of dollars just in the last week on these sites and we are so financially strapped.

I confronted him again and got the song and dance about he's a changed man and just give him one more chance.

My problem is that I still love him. I can't imagine leaving, but I can't live like this.

This is not the man I married, my husband has changed drastically in the last 6 months. Please help! I don't know what to do!

**rcoreyus** · 06-07-2010 11:02 PM

You say he is not the man you married - if you really think that is true, then maybe there is hope. Losing a job is really devastating to some men - produces terrible feelings of inadequacy. Some drink, some watch porn, or find other women - all versions of escapism.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not saying that is is OK for men to do this, just that there is a reason. Maybe if his self worth and self respect could return, he would stop this sort of behavior. On the other hand, maybe he was always like this an you just found out. You know him and we don't - how does it seem to you?

**stressed** · 06-07-2010 11:08 PM

Men tend to get stuck with porn when they don't have a job or are at home for too many hours without a hobby. It happens for no reason, they just do it because they have the chance to. He probably tried out of curiosity the first time, he found it exciting and now he loves it. This can be dangerous, especially since he spends money on it and contacts local girls. Even if he wouldn't meet them, his curiosity has gone too far. He created a new email address, which is deceiving. He was planning to use this address, show you the 'clean' old one and say "I do nothing wrong".

I say keep confronting him and become more aggressive every time. He didn't actually cheat, he just stopped being in control of himself and is on the verge of cheating. You can't force him to stop what he's doing, so try to make him understand. If he doesn't understand and keeps doing what he does and you still want to stay with him, then you have to become more a lot more active. As active as disconnecting the modem or formatting his computer.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-08-2010 04:21 AM

Corey
I'm not saying that is is OK for men to do this, just that there is a reason. Maybe if his self worth and self respect could return, he would stop this sort of behavior.

I read that after I wrote... And, corey knows I tend to always think the same, "what is the reason?"

This is what I see. Whilst I agree with stressed that bordem can be a part, I am seeing, something else here. I don't think "sorry stressed" that agression will solve this, I think he's hurting, unless as again, Corey stated, he was doing this before you were together...

The first years of being together were rough because my family did not approve of him. ( anyone not a doctor or lawyer etc

There he felt in-adequate.

The first year of our marriage was like a dream.

But you proved him wrong, you stood up to your love and married him... There he felt safe.

Then about 6 months ago, he got let go at work. I had quit my job to care for our daughter full time. We have felt a serious financial pinch. Our relationship has suffered. He has closed himself off from me and other members of the family. He doesn't seem to enjoy spending time with our daughter. ( he was a great dad previously) And he shows no interest in an intimate relationship with me

.

6 months later, things changed, as such he again felt in-adequate, your family was right, he is not a lawyer, doctor he failed.

His hold world crumbled...

Here, I have to ask, how you acted, reacted and not that you did anything wrong, but if he felt, in-adequate, then adequate, then in-adequate and without support, understanding, you can do it, I have faith, things will happen, it's okay, then he's going down very fast.

We have sex less than once a month and he puts no effort into pleasing me at all.

This is why I asked. Whilst you needed your own re-assurance of "love", "bonding" , what you had that year, you were also wanting him to "please you" which means you maybe showed that and showed your disappointment just there, in sex, yet, all he had lost, said, he's lost big time, as all he needed was the same...

So what I am saying, is that I think, in his mind... He is a looser and through his depression, he can't perform, he's down and out and then he's feeling like not only is he a failure, but not a good sexual partner either... So goes the downward spiral.

The rest in my opinion, is he's given up. In his eyes, he's a failure, your parents are correct... He's nothing, no good, a loser, not a lawyer, not a doctor...

He needs someone, something to bring him up, no-one wanting "from him" but someone, lots of people, wanting "him"...

That I think is the problem..

All people want to feel important, even when in their eyes, they fail.. Loosing a job is not failing, it's a situation that occured.

Get back on track, support him emotionally, tell him why he is in your life, why you married him. Tell him you know this all sucks but you'll get through it and hold him and tell him he is the most important person in your life.

He's chasing a need to feel attractive, good, a person.. wanted.

CW

**Myself** · 06-08-2010 10:18 AM

Thanks for all of the insight everyone. I had a hysterical crying session late last night ( something I NEVER do) and Im actually thinking more clearly today. I realized that as the last few months have worn on, I have become less supportive of my husband. I started to feel put off by his shutting me out. Our relationship became more that of roommates or parent and child than husband and wife. This is not healthy and Im sure that it has contributed to making things worse. That being said, I have also realized that I did nothing wrong. This is not my fault and I have to stop beating myself up over his mistakes. In my opinion, this behavior IS CHEATING and I am going to have to work hard on forgiveness. I also realized that I have already started to forgive him. This is not the behavior of the man I married. He is a very caring person who I believe would have never thought that he would go down this road. I think that we can get through this. I think that we can get back on track.

**annasthasia** · 06-08-2010 01:55 PM

After reading this... I just keep thinking of the idea of "bait and switch"...

During the courting, he said and did everything to ensure you would be into him... Once baited, ie: married, he no longer had to put up a front. Some men and women do this. I am just throwing an idea on the issue... OP, you know more about the issue than anyone else...

**rcoreyus** · 06-08-2010 06:08 PM

You are not at fault - but I also think fault isn't important in a marriage. Keeping score doesn't matter, what matters is what either person can do to fix the situation and make both of you happy again. Maybe by supporting him, making him feel more worthwhile he will stop behaving this way. Maybe not. At least you will have done everything you can.

It is always difficult to suggest to other people what to do without knowing the people involved. He may be a wonderful man who has fallen into depression and addiction, he may be a worthless slime ball.

**DannyTy** · 06-15-2010 07:00 AM

I agree with CW on this... You love him so much that even though you always may have thought that being cheated on in any way would have brought an end to any relationship, your mind might change. You might be willing to forgive him for this, to give him excuses. The problem is this... You can do some talking, and he can swear that he will change, and you can log into his email and find nothing, but will you ever truly trust him again? Will you always feel the need to go through his email, to track his internet history, to go through his cell phone, to make sure he isn't talking to anyone you don't know? Will you ever be able to get over this cheating and never bring it up again? You can try to work things out, but you do need to be ready to give this marriage up if things don't get fixed. This isn't emotionally acceptable for you or your child.