Getting engaged- society pressure or what I want?

**KMonte85** · 06-08-2010 08:30 AM

So I am 24 and I have been with my boyfriend for 8 years.. we've been living together for 8 months now, which was a little hairy at first but now we're fine. We have a relationship that most people envy, not that we don't have our arguments, but we're generally a very happy couple. Everyone (and I mean EVERYONE) is asking me when we're going to get engaged or married. We've always talked about getting married and having kids, that has been our plan for a long time, something we talk about freely so it's not like it is an awkward subject.

At first, I was telling myself (and others) - what's the rush? I'm only 24, I just got out of college and and got a good job. Just bought a home and haven't even been living with my boyfriend for a year yet. He is just getting out from under a huge amount of debt and get his finances in line. We're still young, we still have plenty of time to get married and have children, why not get a bit of a nest egg started to secure our future a bit before we start with the marriage and the family?

But lately, I've been thinking.. maybe it is getting to be about that time. Maybe I am ready to be engaged. Many of my friends are getting engaged and married and having children. A friend of mine from work just asked his girlfriend to marry him on their camping trip (they went camping the same time we did) and it made me think, they're in the same spot we are.. long time dating, living together in the house he bought, he works at the same company doing similar stuff I do... he's ready. So, I am too.. right? We've talked about getting engaged a million times, so why not just do it?

Or am I just getting sucked into the marriage season that always happens this time of year? You can't go to your mailbox without getting a "save the date" invitation, or seeing your friend's new engagement ring at the weekend bbq. Pair that with being asked a hundred times when we're getting engaged, maybe I am just feeling pressured to do it just so that we're doing the "normal" thing society wants us to do.

So how do I tell if this is what *I* really want, or if I'm just starting to cave to the pressure to get married? I don't want to push my boyfriend to propose just because I'm getting marriage-fever from everybody around me, but then again, we've talked about it so much that maybe it's time. How do you tell? Is this something I should talk to my boyfriend about? I don't want to scare him into thinking I'm that impressionable either... blah!

**pretzel** · 06-08-2010 08:49 AM

It's both the feeling that since everyone else that you're close to then we're ready also. Nothing wrong with that.

Nothing wrong in feeling that deep down inside that both of you have the same goals in marriage and children. But if you two have talked about it in the past, what's stopping you now. Is it that the conversations will be more serious and realistic now that others within you circle of friends/acquaintances are getting engaged/married?

**KMonte85** · 06-08-2010 09:08 AM

I'm not sure! I guess I just want to make sure I'm getting married for the right reasons and not just running to the alter because that is what everyone else is doing or think I should be doing. I think I'm afraid that if I get married for the wrong reasons it won't work out, and our great relationship will be ruined and end because I forced us to get married before the time was right (mainly "the time" being when we're both financially secure and have our nest egg built up enough). I know money shouldn't matter, but when you read or hear that the leading cause of divorce is financial stress, it kind of makes it a big issue. I want to give our marriage the best shot possible at working, get everything in line and prepared so we can be as stress-free in our matrimony as possible.... maybe there is no such thing as the right time? Maybe if I keep waiting for the "right time" I will waste years that could have been spent happily married?

But maybe there really is some sense in waiting until we're both financially stable.. we've fought about money before (ie his bad money management skills, which is getting MUCH better, but still needs work)... if we can get that fixed before we get married, there will be a lot less stress, and a much happier marriage? But that's never a guarantee!

GAH! I keep flip flopping and it is driving me crazy!

**pretzel** · 06-08-2010 09:11 AM

Originally Posted by KMonte85

I'm not sure! I guess I just want to make sure I'm getting married for the right reasons and not just running to the alter because that is what everyone else is doing or think I should be doing. I think I'm afraid that if I get married for the wrong reasons it won't work out, and our great relationship will be ruined and end because I forced us to get married before the time was right (mainly "the time" being when we're both financially secure and have our nest egg built up enough). I know money shouldn't matter, but when you read or hear that the leading cause of divorce is financial stress, it kind of makes it a big issue. I want to give our marriage the best shot possible at working, get everything in line and prepared so we can be as stress-free in our matrimony as possible.... maybe there is no such thing as the right time? Maybe if I keep waiting for the "right time" I will waste years that could have been spent happily married?

But maybe there really is some sense in waiting until we're both financially stable.. we've fought about money before (ie his bad money management skills, which is getting MUCH better, but still needs work)... if we can get that fixed before we get married, there will be a lot less stress, and a much happier marriage? But that's never a guarantee!

GAH! I keep flip flopping and it is driving me crazy!

Welcome to the world of adulthood.

Isn't it fun.

If there were guarantees in anything, life wouldn't be what it is today.

**KMonte85** · 06-08-2010 09:23 AM

Arghhhhhhhh I know.... I just wish it was easier. I'm usually not a wishy washy person at all. I think, I decide, and I do. I'm headstrong and intuitive, I do what I think is best and I never allow outside influences to side-track me. That's my process in life and it's served me well thus far...

But my process isn't working in this situation, this has been rolling around in my mind for a month or two now, and worst of all I haven't even brought it up to my boyfriend because I think he might get worried if I act all wishy washy about it being time (I don't want him to think I'm uncertain about being married.. because I'm not.. I'm just uncertain if it is the right time yet), and he might scoff if I even bring up "well everybody else is doing it..." It makes me grit my teeth just writing that... which is why I am trying in my mind to figure out if this is really what *I* want, even though I've not met my goals yet.. or if I am leaning towards taking that step just because I see my peers do it and everybody in my life keeps questioning me about it.

**LanaBear** · 06-08-2010 11:41 AM

You obviously know it is inevitable.

But you want to do it on your own terms, but it does get hard when everybody else around you is taking that jump because then, just as you know, you start second guessing what your "own terms" are...

No matter when you do it, do it for the right reasons. Wait it out for 6 months to get out of the wedding season. See how you feel about it then. Then, once you are out of that "everybody else is doing it" time period, talk to him.

**rcoreyus** · 06-08-2010 06:03 PM

Have you talked about spending the rest of your lives together, having children, etc? I think the important part is agreeing that is what you want to do - then get engaged if you fell like it. An engagement isn't a legal contract, it really doesn't change anything.

**Mes T** · 06-08-2010 06:48 PM

I do get your concerns. But in situations such as yours, I don't understand why "marriage" is such a big deal.

You've been with your partner for 8 years now. Yes you're young and your lives are all ahead of you, but what would having a ceremony and wearing a ring change about your relationship? Ideally, it shouldn't change anything! And why do you need a nest egg for marriage? You could always have a simple, loving, happy ceremony that doesn't have to involve thousands and thousands of dollars. A ceremony that shows everyone who YOU are and what you represent as a couple, not something so mainstream and over the top that no one will even remember it.

Yes you need a nest egg for children, but that's a different situation entirely.

IMO the only thing you have to think about is if you are happy with this man and want only him for the rest of your life.

**KMonte85** · 06-09-2010 07:19 AM

COREY - yes, we've discussed our future together many times. We want to get married, have children, grow old together, etc, etc... I guess an engagement really isn't a big deal, but to me - one gets engaged so that they can start planning the wedding and get married. So no, getting engaged doesn't really change anything legally, but it will get the ball rolling immediately for marriage, as neither of us really believe in perpetual engagement.
So it's probably not getting engaged that is what I am wondering, moreso I guess, am I now ready for marriage and starting a family?

Mes - I'm sooooooo with you on the expensive wedding carp! That's not me at all. I want a nest egg, because I like having financial security. Let's face it, it is nice not having to worry about money. I'm not saving up so I can blow it all on some ceremony at all, that to me is just irresponsible (and stupid - if you think how many hours of work are required to pay for a big fancy wedding that so many girls dream of! NUTS I say!). My ideal wedding involves locally grown boquets (probably from my mothers pleathera of flower gardens), and marrying either in a small chapel or preferably outside, followed by a big bbq at the local hall or a friend or family member's yard that is big enough to house our guests for an evening. My future MIL and SIL's to die for chocolate cake (in cupcakes haha)... simple, fun, laid back.. that is what our relationship is and that is what our wedding should represent!

I wanted to save up for our future, and for our future children (BOTH!). I'm friends with so many married couples who have been on the brink of divorce because of money troubles. Most don't have kids, but when one person loses their job or takes a pay cut, or whatever happens, and they can't find the money to pay the bills, they always seem to turn on each other. The stress seems to ruin their relationship. I absolutely want to prevent that... I've seen it so much, I know it can happen, and I want to prevent it. Not to mention, I do plan on having a family, and with increasing costs of raising children (not to mention college), I want to start saving now, just as I do for retirement or anything else in my future that I need to prepare for. We do plan on having kids, and probably will have them within a year or two of getting married...

That's what makes me so apprehensive about making sure it is the right time for me. Because once we get engaged.. over the course of a year or two, my boyfriend's and my life will change a lot. I just want to make sure that I am ready for that, and that I want that now... not that I'm being beaten down by the pressure to get married, or that I'm getting all starry eyed from watching all my friends getting engaged/married and/or becoming parents..

I think Lana had it.. to make sure this is what I really want, I need to give it a few months and decide when it ISN'T wedding season to make sure it is my own decision and not being caught up in the wedding air!

**Mes T** · 06-09-2010 07:32 AM

Well lemme ask you this... Hypothetically, let's say you get married 5 years from now, and have a kid 2 years after that. Would that be different somehow than getting married today and having a kid 7 years from now?

Love your wedding idea.

That's the way to do it!!