Need to stop feeling guilty

**elliottsmom** · 06-18-2010 11:08 AM

some background: My partner of over 5 years and I separated about a month ago. It was completely his decision and came out of the blue, he'd been "working overtime" and hanging out with new people so it really shouldn't have come as such a surprise but it did and I'm really hurt by it. we have a 4 year old son that stays with me most of the time and his dad will watch him when I have to work (on weekends mostly) he's currently staying on a friend's couch so most of the contact is at my house. he'll have a place of his own next month and it planning on taking our son every saturday night. He spends most of his time out with his new friends but calls very often and tries to make plans to spend time with us but he ususally ends up breaking them or just not showing up.
my dilemma: I've really needed a break from life and have let him know that. he's currently on a vacation from work but has not seen his son. he said on two days ago that he'll take him today and I said okay. then yesterday he said he was going on a beach trip with 3 girls and 2 other guys (all single) but will still take Elliott with him. I was kind of shocked and asked some of my other mom-friends what they thought of it. After much thought I decided I really did not want our son to go so when his father came to pick him up (I was shocked he actually came) I told him I didn't think it was a good idea. I told him why and he said fine and left. fast forward a couple of hours and he calls me and he's really upset saying I got his hopes up and I let him down. he called me several times telling me this and then hanging up and all I could say is "sorry I didn't feel comfortable with it" I think he's just trying to make me feel guilty but part of me thinks I did something really terrible. I'm not sure what to think.

**Joey** · 06-18-2010 02:43 PM

I personally think what you have done is absolutly fine.
I personally dont think your son needs this at the moment - jetting off on holiday with a bunch of randoms when his mum and dad are going through a seperation? Might be just me, but I dont think thats really appropriate at this moment in time - especially as your husbands attention probably wont be fully on your son as his other friends/collegues (you didnt specify) will be there. Your husband needs to be there for his son - reasuring him that everything is going to be ok, and that whatever has happened between him and you, nothing has changed for your son - not taking him partying.

**KMonte85** · 06-18-2010 02:56 PM

don't feel guilty for this. I'm not a parent, but even I know that it is not appropriate to take your 4 year old son to a beach party with a bunch of strangers during what is already a confusing time for him.

He seems to have his priorities screwed up - almost mid-life crisis-y... If what you're saying is true about how he's behaving, then HE should be feeling guilty, not you - as he is the one blowing off time with his son, breaking commitments so he can go off and spend time with his new friends. The time not spent with your children can never be made up, you can't get that back.

Next time he calls and tries to guilt-trip you for not letting him take your son to the adult beach party, perhaps you should remind him that he is a father, and has on more than one occasion failed to show up to spend time with his child. And let him know that you being uncomfortable letting your 4 YEAR OLD go to a beach party with a bunch of adults, strangers, who will most likely not be paying attention or being cautious of the small child with them, you should snap him back to reality and let him know that it is not being inconsiderate - it is being a good mom.

**JadedQueen** · 06-19-2010 04:03 AM

You have no reason to feel guilty. You would think that the limited amount of time that your husband gets to see and spend time with your son that he would want to spend the time that he does have with him with HIM... not with him, 3 girls and 2 other guys. It's not like he doesn't have enough time to socialize since your son is with you majority of the time. I can understand that it's difficult for him to take your son since he's staying at a friends house and doesn't have his own place yet.... but there is NO REASON he can't pick your son up and take him to the beach just the two of them. It's a really difficult time for your son with you two seperating and it's going to take time for him to adjust.... In my opinion spending time with your son should be your husbands top priority when he has him he has plenty of time to socialize when your son is not in his care. Don't feel bad.... you really need to sit down and talk to your husband cuz I don't think he's putting your son's well being first like he should. I think you did the right thing.

**WildChild** · 06-19-2010 07:04 AM

I'll chime in and confirm the advice you've gotten. No parent with any sense would expose their child to adult situations, which this beach deal certainly sounds like or to people they aren't getting fairly serious with, or don't know really well.

You just don't do that. This puts you, as the responsible parent, in a tough spot as you start to date later on too. You don't have men spending the night, no smooching and such in front of your child, no leaving them alone with someone you don't know really well. Your soon to be ex obviously doesn't "get" it, so it will fal on you to curb some of his idiocy. Sounds like he's thinking with his little head instead of the one sitting up on top of his neck.

**elliottsmom** · 06-20-2010 07:09 AM

Thanks everyone. I really just needed some reassurance. I feel so uncomfortable when he takes him because I know he goes to his friends' houses and I don't know any of them. They're all younger than me and I"m a fair bit younger than my ex. I"d feel more comfortable if I could go over there and meet them but I"m sure that would make things really akward. I'd have no problem if they spent the day here or at the park, and Elliott says he has fun but something just seems off about the whole thing.