Please help!! my husband cheated and has a lovechild

**English Lady** · 06-18-2010 05:37 PM

Please help me I need advice!! I have just found out that my husband of 15 months (partner of 9 years) had an affair of 3/4 months up to 6 weeks before our wedding in Jan 2009. I have also found out this week that he has a 9 month old daughter with his "other woman" and was still sleeping with her until a couple of months ago. I am devastated, my husband has never wavered in his affection for me and he tells me he has been happy in our life together. The news of the baby came out only because its mother send a letter to my mother and father in law claiming that they have a right to know about their grandchild. My husband says that he loves me so much that he couldn't bear to tell me the truth out of fear of losing me as he knew I would leave, he claims at one point he was so desperate that he started to write his goodbyes.

The time scale of this is mortifying to me - My husband claims that he called off the affair because he made up his mind that he loved and wanted to be married to me. But unknown to me as I was walking down the aisle this woman was finding out she was pregnant and as we went on our honeymoon in the August she was giving birth to MY husband’s baby!!!!!!!! He says he begged her to abort the baby as he didn't want it or to be with her (right or wrong), but once she made the decision to keep it he knew he couldn't neglect his responsibility.

We are separated at the moment and both his family and mine are heartbroken for me as they knew I have been desperate for my own baby since we got married. They are all supportive of me and want me to make my own decisions but I’m in turmoil - Why didn't he tell me before the wedding and give me the choice as to whether I wanted to marry HIM? How could he carry on two separate lives without giving anything away? Does he love me that much that he just couldn't bear to lose me or the baby? Could we work through this and save our marriage? I have no negative feelings towards the baby after all she is innocent, but I do question how this 30+ year old woman got herself pregnant by ACCIDENT with someone who continued to get married and stay with his wife during and after the pregnancy with no thought of leaving - where is her self respect?? My husband says that he continued to see and sleep with her purely so she didn't come looking for me. Again purely selfish on his part.

My husband still claims that he loves me but needs to build a relationship with his child and figure out WHY he has done all this in the first place. He SAYS he is having no contact with the child's mother apart from making arrangements around the baby, and he SAYS he doesn't want to be with her. I miss him so much and can't help thinking we could work through this and be happy, but how could I ever trust him knowing SHE is going to be in his life and no doubt trying to get him back at every turn? My husband says he has hope for us but cannot risk causing me any more pain so wants time apart for us both to work out our feelings. This is THE worst thing I can imagine a husband doing to his wife, so why do I still want him and want to be his wife?? Why do I feel that I want to fight for the last 10 years of my life and gain something (the baby) rather than lose everything??

Please help me!! I need some help and advice from somebody outside of the situation / family or perhaps from someone who has been through something similar - I know I'm not the only one x

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-18-2010 06:31 PM

My husband says that he loves me so much that he couldn't bear to tell me the truth out of fear of losing me as he knew I would leave

I understand that. Excepting, that he continued the affair, after the marriage and more than likely if he really did stop it two months ago, this is why she "through" anger, decided to spill the beans... So, if he loved you so much, he would have ended it, not continued it, don't you think? He's talking about the baby, not his continual cheating.

My husband says that he continued to see and sleep with her purely so she didn't come looking for me. Again purely selfish on his part.

So, he felt that she would blackmail him? She did... She sent the photos through. But, let's face it, he continued it.. that means he slept with her... if he felt contempt for her, he'd suffer the consequences as he is now... he couldn't possibly sleep with her in my opinion.. And, if he were my husband, I would understand more so, up until the wedding, but not, after... There he made a pact... with you... I am not buying that is why he remained. Let's face it, it was going to come out, he couldn't continue for years and years with both of you...

He may very well want you. He may have thought it was all fun, exciting, leading a double life.. but one day, it was all too much, he didn't have feelings of any form for her anymore, didn't enjoy the sex anymore, probably wasn't getting much sex, seeing as she has a baby and decided to let it all go.. After all, he could try again with someone else one day, or he could have woken up and realised what he had, he didn't want to lose. Does it matter? He ended it... and she is retaliating. And, mostly a woman retaliates, if she has been fed lies. I love you, it's always been you, I will leave my wife, I can't now because..... and then they change and don't do it and the woman feels betrayed.

I understand that your angry with her as well, she doesn't have morals, but she had a baby, his baby and I bet she thought that would make him stay with her, not you.

Also, he really may have stayed, purely because of the baby, wanting to bond, get to know the baby, enjoying the notation that he is a father and one day said WT? I'm married. I can't do this...

We don't know his personality... He's a cheater, lier, or he cheated and stood by her and then felt all gushy when the baby was born and was torn.

My husband says he has hope for us but cannot risk causing me any more pain so wants time apart for us both to work out our feelings. This is THE worst thing I can imagine a husband doing to his wife, so why do I still want him and want to be his wife??

But, this statement leads me to believe in my opinion, that he is confused of his own feelings. He said " for us both to work out" not "for you"... I agree, it is the worst thing a husband can do to his wife.

I think you have to take that as he was enjoying both sides but eventually lost any connection with her and now he's trying to make you think that he's doing something honourable for you......

A man in love would move heaven and earth, to make his wife see that he was greedy, lustful, stupid, an idiot and refuses to give up on you, works to change your mind, he seems to be laying back on it all.

I'm sorry sweet, this must be traumatic for you...

CW

**JadedQueen** · 06-19-2010 02:57 AM

I think maybe you and your husband should consider going to marriage counseling so that you guys can explore the reason for the affair and find a way to begin the healing process and see if your marriage can be salvaged. Talking to a third party (especially a trained therapist) can shed new light on things and give you the proper tools to work through all the hurt you must be feeling as well as ways you can build the trust that has been severly damaged. Good luck.

**Hopeless Dork** · 06-19-2010 03:41 AM

I am sure you love this man with all your heart, and leaving and moving on sounds way easier than it actually is. If you want to try to work it out with him you should. It will be hard to not only get passed the infidelity, but the lies... and the fact that if you stay married to him you will have to swallow the pill of taking on being a step mom to this child and you have to ask yourself, honestly, if you will be able to put this in the past and love that child ( a hard thing to ask right this moment I am sure) as they would surely be a part of your life going forward.

It will take a lot of healing, patience, time , forgiveness and some strong understandig to get there, but its possible. However if you put yourself through all those changes and learn to move on... can you trust that he won't take all the efforts you've made to heal and hurt you all over again for some other woman down the road.

You have to find out, he has to find out... what drove him to behave that way because if he doesn't know, and doesn't get a handle on it... it has more of a chance of happening again than if he were able to understand how he got down that path and learn to see things differently, more fairly to you.

I wish you lots of luck in your healing, whichever road you take from here.

**English Lady** · 06-19-2010 07:14 AM

Thank you for your replies i agree with all you are saying - My mother and brother in law are going to meet the baby today and my stomach is churning. My husband and I agreed no contact for a while but both of us have been unable to do this. Now I just think I'm playing into his hands and helping make life very easy for him, after all since I kicked him out all he has had to suffer is a swift slap to the face from me, now he has gone back to live with his parents who have always OVER cared for him. How my irate father and three brothers have kept their hands off him is really a credit to them. He is seeing his baby, talking to and texting me, being fed and watered... pretty sweet life for someone who is the devils spawn!!! Stupid I know, but the dominating feeling I have is to not hand over my life or husband to this woman without a fight

**WildChild** · 06-19-2010 07:35 AM

You aren't pregnant, haven't been married too long, I'd cut ties now. All that holds you is emotion, granted 10 yrs a long time but you have a lot more than that ahead of you. It sounds like he wants to eat his cake and have it too. Consider that if you stay, this woman and their child will be in your lives for the rest of your lives. This isn't an ex - this a woman he was sleeping with while he was sleeping with you and planning a future with you.

He is financially responsible for this child as well as emotionally. How do feel about seeing that draft out of your bank account every month? How are you going to feel if you get pregnant and he is leaving to spend time with his other child? Or how will you feel if the two of you are unable to conceive? What if you try to adopt? "we've been together harmoniously all these years - except he has a child by another woman"?

If you had a family together I might be saying, see what you can do to salvage it. People do and sometimes are stronger for it. But you are in tough spot with this. How do you know he hasn't had other affairs and this was just the time he got caught with his pants down? Doesn't sound like he had an plans to tell you about this until his mistress contacted his parents. How did he think he was going to hide supporting and seeing a child?

Granted my take on this is colored by the fact that my first husband was a serial cheater. There is a lack of integrity there that may or may not be correctable. Understand that this entirely his show. All you can do is chose whether to continue being part of the supporting cast.

**rcoreyus** · 06-19-2010 08:35 AM

I always ask the same question: Why do you think he did it. I ask because its important to know if the reason has gone away. If it has, then he might not stray again. If his reason for cheating is still there, then likely he will do it again.

I don't think what happened in the past matters EXCEPT as a guide to what might happen in the future.

You need to ask yourself a serious question: do you still love him?

**AnneHathaway** · 06-19-2010 10:25 AM

First, HUGE, comforting hugs to you. You are obviously going through terrible emotional pain and it hurts big time, I'm sure.

If you are asking what you should do, this is my opinion...this man is a lying, cheating, deceitful, selfish, immature worm, and you should kick him out of your life right now. Please don't make the mistake of having a child with him. This a**hole stood at an alter with you in front of God and friends and family and said things liike "forsaking all others", and love, honor and cherish," and the whole time he was sleeping with and having a baby with another woman!?! He doesn't deserve a second chance. He's a total loser. No man with any morals or self-respect would do that to a woman. You deserve a man who will take wedding vows seriously, and they are out there. I know I probably sound harsh but when you love someone, you don't intentionally hurt them, and this man sounds like a total BS artist.

Only you can decide whether you want to save your marriage but if you do make sure it's because it's what you really want deep down in your heart. Counseling is an absolute must. God bless you and the absolute best of luck to you in this situation.

**samanthatallon** · 06-19-2010 12:58 PM

He may have had his reasons, but i kind of agree with Annehathaway here, he has lied, sneaked and probably torn every last piece of your heart for his sordid fun that turned serious, i feel kinda sorry for the women, we dont know if she knew about you, if she didnt poor girl, if she did, i would hit her with my handbag for you. The child yes remains an innocent party in this for now. I know myself i would never be able to trust my husband if he did this, we could work things out, but even things like being late home, will drive you crazy wodnering where he is and who he is seeing, if you get past it and give it another go, you are taking the tough route, and it may not even work. I would leave honey and try to regain yourself from all the horror you have had to face. You will also have this child in your life at some point, i know giving the odds, its only a innoicent child and i do not mean this is a menacing way at all, but we are only human, will you be able to care for this child if he ever getrs custody rights or weekend visits? there is a lot of a bigger picture to look at, than just the cheating. Sure its tough right now, and i hope you can make the right decision for you. And what you feel you will be happy with, if u decide to take all this on and give it another shot, you are a saint in my eyes and i pray that the journey shall be safe. Much love and understanding to a poor woman in need.

sam x

**English Lady** · 06-20-2010 07:30 AM

Hi all, thankyou for your kind wishes and advice. This woman DID know about me before we were married and yet persued the relationship with my husband. Don't get me wrong I know that he is 100% responsible as he was the one in a relationship but I can't help feeling that she may have got pregnant on purpose? For all I know she could have met him at work 12 months before all this mess,wanted him and played the sympathetic collague. They are both in the police force so it would be easy to be "you're fiance doesn't understand what WE have to deal with, she doesn't undestand how hard it is for US to see what we see everyday" and purposefully tried to get pregnant etc to stop him getting married hoping he would go to her - she's a 30+ yr old woman for gods sake not a naive 18 yr old, woman that age in that scenario DON'T get pregnant by accident, I'm sorry I just don't believe it!!! My husband is telling me now that he loves me and hasn't given up on us, he wants to give me the time to clear my head without putting any pressure on me to make any decisions quickly that I might resent and regret further down the line. If we were to try and make our marriage work he wants us to be in a stronger place just the two of us before dealing with all the additional problems of the baby, our family & friends etc. I know there is alot of "He" in there and I would like to have more "I" but I really don't know where to start with this???????