Sexless relationship dilemma

**sojournerK** · 06-19-2010 02:31 PM

Hi everyone. So glad I found this site.
I am with a very supportive man who loves me and we have 2 beautiful children together, twins aged 2 years old. We are in our 40s. We work well as partners together and as parents, and I care for him very deeply.
But we haven't had regular sex in a long time.

I don't really enjoy the way he kisses me, he doesn't understand that ways I like to be touched, he wants me to explain to him every time how I want to be touched, and he's so sensitive if I touch him in a sensual way during foreplay he gets premature ejaculation. And then he usually has premature ejaculation anyway. So I've stopped initiating because it's just too frustrating. We had some good sex off and on for a while when we were dating, but that was long ago... He told me I was the best he ever had and I didn't dare tell him that I loved him but he wasn't anywhere near the best I'd ever had... Basically, we don't connect in an emotional/spiritual way during sex. I've felt that before with other partners, and I thought it would happen between us as we grew closer, but it hasn't.
And I really miss it.
We've been through and high water together -- I helped him get out of a cult -- but I just don't feel intimate with him. I've given up even wanting intimacy with him, because he's picked fights with me so often -- almost every weekend for a year or more -- that I've put up an emotional wall to protect myself. Maybe that's why he picks fights - to get my attention...
He's basically a good man but insecure, unsure of his place in the world, trying to feel important, trying to understand himself, trying to please me. He wants to go out and have fun together, but I feel dragged along and bored; our conversations feel like polite talks wbetween friends, and I never feel like he really sees me for who I am. He sees part of me, and that's all he can see b/c his vision is clouded by so many issues he hasn't resolved... I feel terrible but I can hardly stand it when he touches me. I get to feeling so trapped!
Meanwhile, I met someone at work who is a great guy: very smart, giving, compassionte, athletic (I'm athletic & my partner is not), confident, accomplished, a little geeky and a lot outspoken... and one day recently it hit me like a ton of bricks that I have a crush on him. And I'm getting vibes from him that he's attracted to me as well. Now I can hardly stop fantasizing about him.
All the hard work of getting my partner out of a cult, the hard work of having & raising kids, the hard work we've done in counseling, is just too much! I want some passion in my life, and I have these fantasies about moving to a little apartment near my partner, sharing custody of the kids, and being able to have a love life again.
I'm reading a book on sex in marriage (Passionate Marriage) and how to re-ignite passion by confronting the underlying issues, but I don't know what will happen between me & my partner. I don't want to destroy the life we've built together but I need to feel the lushness of good loving again! I want to feel known and loved and TOUCHED in the way I like to be touched.
I don't want to cheat. I am going to confront the sex issue in our next couples' counseling session, and hope we will to come to some resolution before too long.
Has anyone here gone through a successful separation with little kids? On the flipside, has anyone here been in a sexless marriage and gone on to have good sex with one's husband?
Looking forward to your responses...

**WildChild** · 06-19-2010 02:53 PM

I totally understand- been through something like this more than once. (pattern I'm really trying to break). You have two options and neither is entirely up to you. You can try to rekindle and that means showing him how you want to be kissed (check out the book Kissing School and Mana Gena's books) and then start teaching him how to touch and be touched (One Hour Orgasm is a good place to start on this). This is a heck of a lot of work but if you both have the right attitude it could be fun.
The other option is what you stated, move on.
Or of course you could do what many do and suffer.

**sojournerK** · 06-19-2010 03:16 PM

Hi Wildchild...
Thanks so much for your reply. As far as I'm concerned, life is too short for suffering, and I am nobody's martyr. I will check out the books you mentioned.

**LanaBear** · 06-19-2010 04:04 PM

You need to do what feels right to you and you need to do so without a third party involved, IMO. Get a handle on this attraction to this other man until you decide whether or not you want to work on your marriage.

I think what some people lose sight of is that this attraction may seem exciting and what you are looking for, but remember that the grass is not always greener on the other side. You are not with this person all day and all night, through all the bad times, raising kids, paying bills, etc.

Don't do either of you a disservice by breaking your vows of marriage and have an affair. Leave him first and go about finding an attraction to someone without the feeling that you are doing something wrong on your conscience.

**rcoreyus** · 06-19-2010 06:48 PM

If you have found someone who loves you its worth a lot of effort to fix things. It sounds like he is willing to try to please you (you said he asks), but just isn't very good at it, and as PE problems. If he isn't getting sex, that will tend to make him angry and argumentative.

An outside person can be very appealing (as many readers / posters know all too well) but as LanaBear said - you don't live with this person - don't do chores, and all of the non-romantic, non-fun things with then.

In the end though, you and your husband both deserve a real loving relationship - if you can't fix this, then leaving might be a better option for both of you.

**sojournerK** · 06-19-2010 07:56 PM

Thanks for the thoughtful replies, rcoreyus and Lanabear.

I should point out that I haven't taken vows with my partner: we live together but aren't married. In fact we are really good friends and I want to continue being good friends. I just don't want to struggle with the guilt & frustration any more. It's not fair to either of us.
I definitely want to do what's right for each of us as individuals. That comes before any other concerns, crushes, etc. (At work the vacations have worked out so I won't see the guy I'm attracted to till August anyway, which gives me a chance to calm down & focus on my relationship with my partner.)
In many ways my partner's been overwhelmed by me, has been trying to be like me instead of being himself, and maybe it would be good for him to not be so fused. I have been feeling trapped and frustrated by this situation. Maybe a little separation might help us both stop struggling and help us discover the true nature of our relationship.
I am going to open up about all this at our next counseling session Monday. Thanks for helping me get this off my chest. I can't tell you what a relief it is!
Still would love to hear from anyone who's been through an amicable separation with kids, or who has turned around a sexless marriage...

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-19-2010 08:34 PM

There are many a person that has turned around a sexless marriage and in some cases, it's been as a result of our members on this Forum, and their words of wisdom, that has sparked a different approach, thought pattern which has "slowly" progressed and still progressing to success.

He's intimidated by you. Your a strong character, knows what she wants out of life, speaks her mind, speaks of what she wants, and helped him out of a Cult. At 40, that's a tough thing for a man to do and he may still need some time, to resolve the hurt and pain he suffered in that Cult, or the damage of changing his thought pattern to what he was brainwashed on, to being a normal person.

You either, stand by him as a friend, or you stand by him as a lover or both and in that, understand Rome wasn't built in a day.

You obviously turn him on if he ejaculates by your touch. And, if he argues alot, I would think that he's trying very hard to get his self worth back, be a man, strong himself, which is tough when you have someone stronger than you by your side.

I would try to let him be "a man"... Show him your love, from your eyes, your kisses, your touches and let him, approach and just wear a few things "verbally" do your communication by touch, grab his hand and place it where it is you want, etc... no words....

Sounds to me that you really have not bonded, and perhaps the "children" is a bond but the rest hasn't come yet. It can.. But, only if you don't see it all as your needs, rather, there are issues here to deal with and ways in which to view on how to tackle them.

I think if a man feels like he's a man, then he has more guts to do alot of things. It's when he's broken and then put down more, (whilst that's not your intention), you may be making him feel inadequate...

Try non verbal and non-sexual love and give him strength and encouragement if you still love him... I know it's been a struggle and you've already more than likely spent a long time doing this, but that's up to you on the depth of your love for him, or if not, then friendship, thereby being there only as a friend to get him through.

It may be that you were the strong one, saw someone in trouble, felt for that person, have a heart, helped him, fell for him, out of the pity that many people do, like wanting to rescue someone so bad and then you feel a connection, but that connection may never have meant to be relationship wise, there may have just been confusion at that time of what it was.

Only you will be able to work that side of it out and where you want to take this, based on what you are truly, really feeling deep down inside for this person.

CW

**sojournerK** · 06-20-2010 10:59 AM

CW - Thanks so much for your perspective. It's both helpful & wise. I hear what you say about what would be good & helpful for him and it's all true... then again, I have been thinking about our relationship in terms of what's good for him so much that I have set aside my own needs/preferences, and now they are asserting themselves. I would like to be able to give him love in the way you describe, but that's what I've been doing for years and the connection isn't any deeper. I have beeen longing to share my strength & passion for years now; and my recent attraction to a colleague has brought this desire to the surface. Sometimes the lion doesn't want to lie down with the lamb. Sometimes the lion wants to lie down with another lion.
It could be that my presence so close to my partner makes it harder for him to be strong. Maybe I make him feel like less of a man. He grew up in the shadow of very strong personalities in his family, and maybe our partnership has recreated that situation for him. In a way, our situation also replicates my growing up with a single parent who couldn't connect emotionally.
I feel a strong loyalty to my partner; I will stand by him as a friend at the very least to the very last. But the deeper connection just isn't there... at least not right now. I'm going to simply show up & speak my truth in our counseling & see where that leads.
Thanks again so very much...

**sojournerK** · 06-21-2010 02:33 PM

Well, so I talked today in counseling and my partner says he's glad I am finally opening up and that he's open to whatever happens between us as long as it's real. Wow. I am so relieved.