Husband and texting

**Cayhay101** · 06-20-2010 09:03 PM

I just want some input. My husband of 11 years has been texting a girl he has known for many years even before he knew me they were friends. I found some messages on his phone a couple months ago that I was uncomfortable with. In one message he asid "I need a blowjob." her reply was " Tell Cayse?" he replied "She's not at home." her reply "Too bad for you." I am not angry with her as far as I know she has never returned the feelings I think he may have for her. I told him after I found them that I couldn't handle this another time he of course said it wouldn't happen again. He deleted her from his phone. However, I guess he didn't tell her that he wasn't going to be talking to her anymore so she resumed her regular texting to him about random everyday things as any normal friend would. Yesterday I was just curious and I am usually right when I get the gut feeling that I need to look. So I looked at his messages. The message that really hurt me, he said "I guess I am just jealous of what hes got....You." he was talking about her boyfriend that she lives with.

I am so mixed up I told him I was leaving and he said he didn't want me to leave, but this isn't the first time and this isn't the first girl. I love him and don't want to get divorced, but he never has any consequences and continues to text inappropriately. I have two great kids and our daughter is a special needs child, they would be devestated. I just need some words of wisdom right now.

**LanaBear** · 06-20-2010 10:39 PM

Maybe you need to take a break from him for a bit... If this isn't the first and like you said, there have been no consequences, he thinks you will always be there... Prove him otherwise, show him there are consequences for his actions.

Tell him that the two of you need to attend couples counseling and you need to be told what is lacking in your marriage for him to feel the need to have flirtatious relationships with other women. This one is obviously not reciprocating his flirtations... Were the others?

IMO, make him win you back (if that is what you want). Make him put for the effort to prove he wants to change and that he can change. The trust is gone, it will be very difficult to get it back, if you ever do.

Good luck!

**Hopeless Dork** · 06-20-2010 11:38 PM

He knows how you feel about his innapropriate texting... and agreed to stop it. Now, while someone might say him 'feeling jealous' isn't innapropriate words... like he didn't ask for sex... but to me, reading something like that would just break my heart. I can only imagine how you feel.

Thing is, you have access to his phone, he knows you check it sometimes (obviously since you guys discussed his previous texts to her and he agreed to stop) him saying that... and keeping it on the phone, not deleting... either means he very very careless... or its as if he almost wanted you to see it, or didn't care about your feelings if you did see it. Neither of those scenerios paint a pretty picture of him.

He said he would stop and he isn't. He's risking the marriage to attempt to flirt with a girl that already has a boyfriend and has demonstrated no interest in him... what does that really and truly say about how much he appreciates what he has? I don't think he does. Sounds like he's taking you and your loving, forgiving nature for granted.

But if you had never read those texts... would you be happy with the way he treats you outside of that? Does he make you feel loved and special and wanted? I am assuming there must have been somthing amiss, which is why you went digging through the phone in the first place.

How is your relationship (minus these phone incidents)? Do you guys have a healthy active sex life? Is he affectionate? Is he respectful and considerate? Are you happy? Is he, or rather... do you think he is?

I think these texts are just a symptom, a truly horribly painful symptom... of a bigger problem with the relationship. Do you have any idea what it may be?

Is he under any major stress? Trouble at work? Financial or medical problems? Do you feel like you have been giving him plenty of attention? I am not saying its your fault I'm just wondering if he is doing this for the ego boost, boredom or lonliness.

**Joey** · 06-21-2010 01:53 AM

I am really sorry that you are in this situation. I for one, like HD said, would be totally heartbroken if i found these kind of texts on my boyfriends phone, and even if i did (god forbid!!) then i feel that all my 1000000% trust for him would just vanish in an instant.

I agree with LB - This is the second time he has done this too you, and because you have only 'threatened' him, and not actually done anything active about it - he probably feels that he can get away with it - hence the second time.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-21-2010 02:37 AM

Sweetheart, it's hard to be married and not respected isn't it...

This appears to be constant from him... You said it's not the first girl and I guess, if any one of those girls, had their own issues with their significant other and felt a chemistry reaction, or emotional attachment, then cheating physically would occur, or may have occured.

I understand when things aren't as they should be in a marriage a person may seek emotional attention, but "blowjob" is not emotional it's clear and precise.. Sexual... And, then the "what he has, you" can still be sexual, if she has never surcumed to doing anything with him, or even if she did, at some point but stopped when she met her man, which may be the case and I'm not trying to put other thoughts in your mind that may not have occured, but anything is possible.

Saying " I'll delete her number" but he still receives text messages from her, doesn't mean he has stopped communicating.

Telling you that he doesn't want you to leave, why?

I asked my ex-husband once, when we tried to re-consile, "what is it you love about me?" , his answer? "Your intelligent and good looking"... what sort of answer is that? From that day, I never looked back.

So ask yourself, what does he give me to me, bring to the table other than finance and being a Dad? How is our sexual life, intimate? Or just sex? What would I love from him more than anything? What do I give to him and how is that taken, accepted, or is it expected?

There are questions you need to ask yourself about your relationship with him, honestly...

And ask him the same question I asked my ex... see what his answer is.

Relationship break down, they become redundant, the norm, friendship, no emotional attachment, sex, not intimacy, no date nights, no fun, yet everyone says " but I love him", until they work out that what they want actually, is LOVE and they don't have it, they are just fighting for the word marriage, and a wish list.

You deserve respect. You deserve to be exlusive and him to you. You deserve to work out your problems with each other and give it ago, but if one party isn't interested in doing that, then you have to stand strong, tall and say, pfttt, I am worth more, alot more and deserve more and I will get it, not from you... There's the door.

I think that when a person threatens and never goes through with it, they get a green card to continue, as there is no fear.

He also may be staying because of the children, financials, but only you know if there is true, intimacy a touch as he walks by, a kind word, a kiss for no reason, or if there is only a man and a woman living together...

Have a serious think about what you have.

CW

**Cayhay101** · 06-24-2010 03:54 AM

I really appreciate all the replies. My husband and I have had many many talks about the problems we are having. Things haven't been good lately, I am the only one working right now and he is in college full time. I work nights and he stays home with our children. However, I am very loving to him. I tell I love him every day, I also remind him how much I want him. He said he had just been wanting some attention. I didn't realize I was neglecting him. We have decided to fix this problem, I am going to take some day shifts so I can be at home more nights per week. He texted his friend and told her he couldnt talk to her anymore, because he needed to work on his marriage and family. We both do. I saw her reply and she just said OK. I had confronted her the previous time he was texting her and I feel that she sincerly told me the truth when she said she just wanted to be his friend.

I am very glad I posted with my problem, I thought everybody would just write "Leave Him!!" but I got real honest opinions and I think alot of time women just want to jump the gun about leaving. I married Rob for better or worse and til death do us part. Those things mean alot to me. This last few months has been our "worse." I am glad that women can have a place to talk and get input that is objective and non bias.

Thank you so so much,
Cayhay101

**jns** · 06-24-2010 09:47 PM

It sounds like your relationship is improving. Communication seems to be one of the keys. With children and work, a close relationship with your SO can be one of the causalities if time isn't set aside to do things together and one on one. Good luck.