how do i choose

**goodie1971** · 06-23-2010 11:52 PM

my husband hates my mum and sister and her family, he just pretends around them, i dont know if its right to tell them to keep away, at the same time i feel one day things may be different, i cant stand the abuse, the insults about ''my people'' as he calls them

when he wants something well thats a different story, when we decied to migrate, we spent a whole month at my mums place while finalising our move, we also spent 3 months at my sisters house when we moved to the country, they did everything to accommodate a family of 4, now that we have our own place he doesnt want to see them

he has told me a lot of times he will dirvoce me if i dont stop associating with them
im caught in the middle my family has done nothing to him, and by the way he doesnt even contact his own family he hasnt spoken or seen his mum in almost 2 years

**jns** · 06-24-2010 12:47 AM

He sounds controlling. What is the nature of the relationship you have with him? What are the circumstances of your finances?

**Mes T** · 06-24-2010 01:07 AM

I agree, he sounds controlling and like bad news, quite frankly. He has a terrible relationship with his own family, and what, now he wants to poison your relationship with yours? Has your family ever done something bad to him?

If it's as simple as him trying to sever your contact with your family for no reason at all, I would say, don't give in. Put your foot down, get him some counseling, leave HIM perhaps, but don't let a man tear you away from your family, so that in the end you become even more dependent on him, thereby allowing him to pretty much do whatever he wants with you and your life.

**p3375** · 06-24-2010 02:40 AM

goodie:
forcing someone to sever ties with family and friends is one of the first steps a potential abuser takes. It's a progressive thing, and gives him or her increasing control over you.
Strongly agree w/ Mes_T, don't let it happen, whatever you do.
Pat

**mollymandy5** · 06-24-2010 03:00 AM

This is a bad situation to be in ,and i do feel for you its hard when the man you love has told you not to have anything to do with your family ,but at the end of the day like the saying goes you cant choose your family but you can choose your man! you should never feel that you have to drop your family for anyone ,sounds like your man wants a bit to much control over you and everything around you.
Dont be manupulated into isolation by this man because it will get worse.

**goodie1971** · 06-24-2010 07:19 AM

thanks for the comforting responses i knew the answers to my problem but to get a massive confirmation like this it give me hope
thanks once again

**KMonte85** · 06-24-2010 07:38 AM

it seems so odd that he would be more than happy to live with you mom and your sister during the move, and then suddenly he hates them, doesn't want them in his life, and tries to force you to push them out of your life too. Did something happen? Was there some sort of fight or argument that fueled his anger towards your family, or "your people" as he calls them? Or were they just good enough during that time, because he needed them, and once you were settled, he didn't care anymore?

I do agree with everyone else as well. They are your family, and he has no right to tell you to cut them out of your life. Stand up for yourself, and let him know that he can't dictate if and how much you interact with your family. Perhaps you can remind him that those people are who raised you and made you who you are - someone he said he loves, and that when he married you, he became a part of the family as well.

**goodie1971** · 06-24-2010 12:12 PM

honestly nothing happend i guess yu are right when yu say they were good wen he needed them, so true, i fel when he wants something he gets it and doesnt care what the other person wants, he has that ''it me or the high way attitude'' very unfair

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-24-2010 06:22 PM

Goodie,

Yes, seems he never liked his own family. Seems he takes and doesn't give. And, it seems, that unless he gets his own way on everything in life, there is no room for compromise.

Yet, your family compromised, they allowed you to stay for a considerable time.

This is only one problem of your life. If you look deeper, there are so many other things you don't agree with, can't win over, aren't happy with.

And, I suspect his "love" is shown purely by him keeping you on your toes and you trying to toe the line, to keep him.

I think you have to seriously question what you really have.. Not alot from the sounds of it.

Family are family. They will be there forever... Yes, marriage should be, but often isn't. Stand up for yourself, then he'll see what he really married. A person with her own mind, her own independence, not a puppy that he can control.

If he doesn't like it, then he can leave... Instead of him always making you walk on eggshells.

CW

**Beautiful Disaster** · 06-25-2010 08:23 AM

If your family has done nothing wrong to him, and he brings up you choosing, let him know very firmly and confidently that if he wants you in his life he won't be giving ultimatums because you will most certainly not abandon your family. And if he does, be prepared to walk out the door, because IF he does that, he's not worthy of being your husband.

Not trying to simplify your situation, but I'd honestly be prepared to leave if I were put in that position. Give him back the "my way or the highway" attitude and tell him you'll save him the effort of having to leave....and do the leaving yourself.