Case of a loyal husband but still no connection.....

**LostForever** · 06-26-2010 12:30 AM

I believe I have a unique situation, I am frustrated with my husband's commitment towards his Mom who is staying with his younger brother, who lives 10 minutes away from our place. I have a 12 yr old kid, my husband would religiously go to meet his side of the family on every weekend and also sleep over most of the time. My frustration is manifold a) weekend is the only time we have to spend as family, for him his Mom and brother's family is family, we both should also go with him to meet them on the weekend and watch TV with family. b) he will do laundry and vacuum, except that if I dont tell him to keep things in place or fix something that is broken or clean the garage, he will never realize that those things need to be done, on top of that he will make sure that his weekend trips continue, those tasks can be done anytime in the future, maybe after 2-3 reminders. c) he keeps picking on my daughter for every small thing and make her life , this is the only contribution he has for bringing up my daughter, rest all taking care of her home-work, sports and other activities, I have to look into it. I told him to control his behaviour as I can see her become irritated all the time, but he just dont get it. d) He never got me any gifts on my birthday or anniversary, I asked him for a diamond ring on our 10th anniversary and then I got one. e) he will make love only on one day on weekend and sometime miss that too, he would go to sleep without even touching me or talking to me, this behaviour is since we got married. f) He used to refuse making love if I would initiate during the week days, slowly I made myself understand and stopped initiating. g) He never said I love you, because he knows that I want to hear that h)He will never defend me when his Mom or Brother say bad things about me, even though he knows that I was right i) I have lived this life of no love, no protection, no respect j) I know one thing for sure I have not done anything to deserve this life k) This is when I made this man what he is today, I taught him, I filled his forms when I was struggling with my chemo treatment, I prepared him for the interviews etc etc. l) I am qualified, good looking at and fit for my age m) I have sacrificed all my earnings, investments, family, evrything to love this guy and make him look good in front of the world. He is my first love and with this experience, I will never love again. I just dont have any love for him now. We have reached a point after 13 years, where I have tried all positive/negative styles to communicate my frustrations and now I know he is beyond repair. He is a Mamma's boy and too scared to go out with any other women. After a recent fuming session, I have stopped talking to him and we sleep in different bedrooms. I have decided not to go for a divorce as I know for sure I dont want to make the same mistake again (marrying), so at least I have a man who can atleast vaccum/laundry and mowe the lawn. It took me time to make my heart absorb this decision but now I have immense peace of mind, which I haven't had for a very very long time. I know there will be repercussions on my daughter, but she is strong and I feel confident she would accept it. I have not heard somebody taking a stand like I have taken, I dont know whether it is right or not but atleast I feel much better now. Any suggestions, comments?

**Hopeless Dork** · 06-26-2010 02:52 AM

Life is short to spend it in a cold empty bed, to ache for an acknowlegment, to long for an "I love you". It sounds like you have a roomate not a loving, supportive husband.

I don't know how you've managed as long as you have to be honest. Your confidence and innerstrength must be great to handle being with someone so unnaffectionate and closed off... I couldn't have handled it for a week straight much less 13 years.

You deserve to be touched, to be held, to be desired. You deserve to be appreciated, to be cherished, to be smothered with kisses and I love you's for no reason at all. If he's been this way all along, if you've given your all to express what you need from him and he absolutely refuses to meet you half way I think you've given all you can at that point.

There is someone that will love you like you need to be loved, for right now... until you decide you want to end this marriage or until he realizes that you need more out of him than someone to take out the garbage and starts taking steps to consider your needs- that person has to be you. You have to put your happiness into consideration since he wont. You can't resign yourself to a life of misery just because he's good at chores, I mean you can -- but it seems so very sad.

Have you tried marital counseling? Exhausted all hope?

**sourpuss** · 06-26-2010 07:35 AM

Don't settle, life is too short.

**Olympia** · 06-26-2010 08:12 AM

LostForever,
Complete agreement with HopelesDork and Sourpuss.
I spent a good amount of time in a similar bubble like you. Hubby slept in a different room, passion/love was only a memory for me. It went on for 7 of the longest years of my marriage. I tried everything positive and negative, but ended up just being a room mate. All changed when i took a no nonsense approach, I put it all on the table one eve. and we had the most productive talk.... and the actions followed.
I do not have the issues with his family, like you do. I have had difficulties with the Mother in law. The knowledge of my existance, over all, never been good enough for her son.. But i try to block much of her interference/influence. I chose to remain in my marriage, but my marriage improved, and is much, much, much better. It is in its 25th year. I do know that if the actions had not followed the conversation we had, i would have left the marriage. We all desire to give and receive love, and become effected when it is nonexistent. It is something you need to decide.

**jns** · 06-26-2010 01:47 PM

I see him as being resentful for being handled. If you both want to move beyond this, both will have to go to counseling and hopefully both of you can learn how to compromise.

**LostForever** · 06-27-2010 02:22 PM

Surprisingly you guys could feel and understand my feelings. My husband just can not see or feel my pain. Anyways, I sought individual counselling last year and then went for couple counselling, the counsellor refused to proceed because both of us had hit each other when our daughter was at home. That was it, my husband now refuses to go to the counsellor and has no faith in their counselling. He has no one that I know can influence him to change his decision.

I agree it will difficult for anyone to understand how I survived 13 years. The story started from the time we got married, he lost his job, I still had mine. So I had hopes that once he will get a job we will have good times, how did I know that losing job and then getting a job is going to be part of our life. Things did not change when he got the job because he was working towards getting a strong foothold, by the time the job stabilized, he would again lose it. So we went on this roller coaster together and as a good human being, I showed all my understanding and support obviosly with a hope that some day this guy will respect and appreciate me for supporting him and making life easier for him. I survived in bare minimum clothing, always carried one purse that could meet my requirements. Mind you I am an MBA from a leading North American college. I earn good salary but have other expenses like student loan and mortgage. Still I do not have too many dressed, all my winter and summer clothing fit in one almirah which is 6 sq feet in area.

Talking to him is again not working, he moves the topic in a completely different direction and he specializes in irritating me and forcing me to lose my control, which makes things worse.

Sometimes, I feel maybe I dont see his positive side, he cant be that bad, maybe something is wrong with me. Then I try and compare the amount of sacrifices I have done for him and look for one thing he has sacrificed for me, to my disappointment, I can not see a single sacrifice. This analysis played a great role in my detachment from him.

I am now so fed up with this husband wife relationship that I do not have any strength left to even try entering another relationship. I am planning to explore more meanings for my life than just being____. Right now I am thinking of joining an organization where I will get lot of opportunities to make girls smile and make their life beautiful. I will try to find my happiness in them.

You know just sharing my thoughts on this forum and hearing from you all made me feel so much better.

May you all have peace and happiness in your life.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 06-28-2010 01:29 PM

You sound mature, loving, and what you want in a relationship with your husband is very reasonable. You don't sound like the needy type. He took a vow to love you and in that, to make you feel loved. Now if you were one of those that required constant reassurance, maybe I could see a problem. But I don't see that. Truly it sounds like the perfect storm of two people that just aren't right for each other. 13 years of dealing with it and building up resentment is enough. Lets say he started saying "I love you". That's not going to change the fact that his other behaviors (no affection, no sex, no initiative to do anything without instruction from you) still exist and will make you feel unloved. Or lets say he started having sex with you again....that's not going to change the other stuff either. So you're sort of at this point where anything short of this person just totally changing who they are, isn't going to be enough. And rightfully not enough. You want more, you deserve more.

I think most spouses would have a problem with their SO running off to momma's every weekend. Most would have trouble with lack of affection, lack of sex, lack of plans, lack of doing anything to make you feel special. And sure, that diamond ring meant far less since you had to ask for it.

I think all your points are valid ones. And I think you know it's time to cut your ties and move on, as hard as it may be. You will miss his physical prescence I'm sure, but you won't miss the affection, the sex, the love, the things that make you feel special....because you're not getting those things anyway.

You sound like me in many ways. Good luck in what you decide.

**LostForever** · 06-30-2010 09:08 PM

Originally Posted by Beautiful Disaster

You sound mature, loving, and what you want in a relationship with your husband is very reasonable. You don't sound like the needy type. He took a vow to love you and in that, to make you feel loved. Now if you were one of those that required constant reassurance, maybe I could see a problem. But I don't see that. Truly it sounds like the perfect storm of two people that just aren't right for each other. 13 years of dealing with it and building up resentment is enough. Lets say he started saying "I love you". That's not going to change the fact that his other behaviors (no affection, no sex, no initiative to do anything without instruction from you) still exist and will make you feel unloved. Or lets say he started having sex with you again....that's not going to change the other stuff either. So you're sort of at this point where anything short of this person just totally changing who they are, isn't going to be enough. And rightfully not enough. You want more, you deserve more.

I think most spouses would have a problem with their SO running off to momma's every weekend. Most would have trouble with lack of affection, lack of sex, lack of plans, lack of doing anything to make you feel special. And sure, that diamond ring meant far less since you had to ask for it.

I think all your points are valid ones. And I think you know it's time to cut your ties and move on, as hard as it may be. You will miss his physical prescence I'm sure, but you won't miss the affection, the sex, the love, the things that make you feel special....because you're not getting those things anyway.

You sound like me in many ways. Good luck in what you decide.

You got it right, I am in full control of my feelings. I am able to take a strong stand as I have seen how the other half of the world lives and think I am blessed to have the comforts I have. I can not let someone ruin my life just because I loved him, my love gave me faith that I did my best to love this guy, I have nothing left with me that is mine, even after that if I do not get an iota of love, I am not going to waste my love, I can share it with people who need it more. Again, I wonder when it is not difficult for you to see through my heart, why is it so hard for the person so near me or he just doesn't want to look in that direction? Thanks for your post.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 07-01-2010 07:50 PM

Because he doesn't want to change, my friend. Very likely, in his own way, he's just as unhappy as you are. I think that two people who are different and incompatible often create barriers in their relationships that are darn near impossible to remove.

I heard some wise advice from a comedian who though was trying to be funny, made a very valid point. She said that many people marry someone that was intended to only be in their life for a season. Some relationships are like leaves, they're pretty....but only for a season. And after that season, they blow whichever way the wind takes them, and eventually they wither and die. Some relationships are like the branches. The branch looks strong and alive and is fine as long as it's under no pressure....but the second you step out onto it and depend on its strength, it breaks...and you crash to the ground. Then some relationships are like the roots. They are behind the scenes, growing deep, strong, providing nutrients to the tree, and keeping the tree firm in its spot.

The roots, they're much harder to find. Perhaps those are the once in a lifetime kinds of loves? But lots of people marry the leaf because they're pretty and vibrant..only later to find that once the season is gone, they wither and die. And lots of people marry the branches because they look so strong, but then spend their lives patching up the bruises from every time the branch breaks.

But really, without the roots, we have no tree, no leaves, no branches. So maybe we all need to stop settling in our lives for anything less than the roots.