Such harsh reaction and words

**torn2pieces** · 07-06-2010 09:05 AM

Our fourth of July did not go so well at all. And to get down to the details, with me and my sisters having to babysit, worry and concern ourself with our Mom around the liquor (she has been to AA and that is a struggle of hers). My boyfriend was discontent the whole night and come Monday he tells me he can't depend on me to care about him in situations like that, he don't care about me and my families emotional roller coaster anymore and then he had friends over Monday evening and IGNORED me to no end and has been so distant. I don't understand his reaction towards me, we have been together 3 years and have one child. He knows how my Mom is and that doesn't make her actions okay, I tried to talk to him during the night and he kept telling me don't worry about it, and now he is pissed at me, says he can't rely on me, and that I should take a minute to think what I did wrong.

**pixiebean22** · 07-06-2010 09:12 AM

You didn't do anything wrong.

In fairness your mother probably spent the guts of 18 years (until you went off to college/left home) looking after you the least you can do for her is help her out, she obviously knows she has a problem if she has been to AA but nobody can be expected to be a martyr at family occasions where there is going to be alcohol and as her daughter you're kind enough to look out for her. If your boyfriend can't understand this then i'd doubt his commitment to you. Your family is not going to disappear nor do you have any intention of cutting them out of your life for his sake (I assume) so he either needs to come to terms with your commitment to helping your mum with her recovery or you need to have a serious talk about your relationship. Alcoholism is an ongoing illness, you never fully recover from it, that's why people call themselves recovering alcoholics not former alcoholics. My father is a recovering alcoholic. He needs to understand that just because he throws a tantrum he's not going to get his way, your mother's recovery and staying on the right track will be very important to your family as a whole and your own relationships.

**torn2pieces** · 07-06-2010 09:17 AM

No I am not going to cut them out of my life. I had originally made arrangements with my Mom for her to leave around 8 or 830 and if she would of done that then it would of all been good. But she wanted to see the fireworks, although I wanted her to go, her time was up, she had a little too much to drink, so the best thing would of been to take her home, so if anything I should of been more persistant about taking her home and just done it. I understand his irritation with my Mother, I have it too, but to straight treat me like is what bothers me a lot. Exactly what you said I do question his commitment to me. He don't understand the disfunctional family life, crazy mother... and that is what I have (not by choice).

**pixiebean22** · 07-06-2010 09:25 AM

Exactly, it's not your choice but blood bonds you. Does he think if you could choose you would've chosen this for your mum? No, you would've chosen for her to be healthy obviously. He must be lucky to come from such a perfect family (i assume his family don't have the same sort of issues as your's).

You need to sit down with him and point this out. It's not your choice but it's your family and if he wants you to have a healthy relationship with your child he needs to let you work out this relationship you have with your mother. If he can't understand then the tough questions need to be asked.

**pretzel** · 07-06-2010 09:35 AM

There's a myriad of issues here and alcohol is only but one of them.

As it relates to helping your mom, sure you need to be there for her when she needs you. But that's only for support. I agree with the above poster that alcoholism is an ongoing illness (although I may disagree a bit with the definition) that takes many people along the way. I don't think that you should now be primary in her battle.

In the OP you used a term that I've been through many times over the course of my lifetime. The "emotional roller coaster" can be the biggest drain on oneself. You don't know one day to the next where you stand. That's not a way to live in a relationship.

I myself often ask this question and have asked my wife the same, "where do I stand in importance?".

**torn2pieces** · 07-06-2010 10:07 AM

I don't think it is such an issue of choosing one over the other. I could of took my Mom home or done something to diffuse the situation (make him feel comfortable) without kicking my Mom out of my life. It was time for her to go home, but there was a few people including his cousin, that was sayng "It's no big deal, blah, blah". And the truth is my Mom has caused so much drama and confusion my whole life, that sometimes I have felt I needed space from her or sometimes I have to put my foot down with her since I am grown and she can't keep doing stupid things, embarasing me. I came here today and I am so upset over his harshness, ignoring, mean looks all day yesterday over this. Even if I didn't do more to diffuse the situation I don't feel I deserve this mean treatment. He says "he can't depend on me in situations like that" - "I am not observant of him"

**pretzel** · 07-06-2010 10:20 AM

Originally Posted by torn2pieces

I don't think it is such an issue of choosing one over the other. I could of took my Mom home or done something to diffuse the situation (make him feel comfortable) without kicking my Mom out of my life. It was time for her to go home, but there was a few people including his cousin, that was sayng "It's no big deal, blah, blah". And the truth is my Mom has caused so much drama and confusion my whole life, that sometimes I have felt I needed space from her or sometimes I have to put my foot down with her since I am grown and she can't keep doing stupid things, embarasing me. I came here today and I am so upset over his harshness, ignoring, mean looks all day yesterday over this. Even if I didn't do more to diffuse the situation I don't feel I deserve this mean treatment. He says "he can't depend on me in situations like that" - "I am not observant of him"

I guess where I'm coming from may be a bit of where you're boyfriend is coming from (maybe?). My wife's an alcoholic and I know how she gets and how she interacts with others. If it's not the first time (and I can suspect it's not) and it seems that at every family function it's the same scenario and it's the same scenario everytime she starts drinking and no one is stopping it then is it just frustration over what happened on the Fourth or was it a culmination of the last three years finally blowing it's top?

I think if you two sat down and actually listened to what he has to say you may see things a little different. It's not all the past issues you've had with her, it's not all the drama that you've suffered growing up. It's the enabling. He sees what she's doing, sees you trying every time to help her and sees that she's not interested in helping herself. He sees the same end result.

**LanaBear** · 07-06-2010 10:37 AM

This is a tough situation, but I don't agree with pixies statement of being the least you can do is help her out... She's an alcoholic and has a disease, yes, you should support her to an extent, but there is only so much that you can do. It is hard on YOUR other half because they do not like to see you used and putting forth all your energy towards something that appears to them to be a lost cause.

Sometimes, all you can do is walk away at times. She is NOT your responsibility regardless if she raised you or not. There comes a point in some people's lives where they need to face their demons head on. Sometimes what they fail to realize is that people get tired of fighting this battle for them and they take it for granted. Sometimes they will not help themselves until everybody else is done helping them and continuously pulling them up and out of their problems.

I understand where your boyfriend is coming from. You are enabling her, he sees that, you, on the other hand may have a bit of the blinders on because you love her. Both my hubby and I have fought this battle for numerous members in our families and have both been on your side and your boyfriends side. Eventually, you need to look out for you, your boyfriend and your child, that is YOUR family now. Not to say that your parents, siblings, etc are not, but sometimes the best solution is to distance yourself from all the drama. Make it known to your mom that you love her, but can no longer support her problems. You are happy to be around her, as long as she is sober, but you cannot and will not be around her while she has been drinking and that you do not want your child around it. You can't let your child thing it is okay that grandma acts like this.

Best of luck!

**Beautiful Disaster** · 07-06-2010 01:53 PM

When mom is doing good, going to meetings, not drinking (not even a drink), making good decisions for her recovery = that is when you offer your help and your love.

When mom is drinking (even 1 drink), making poor decisions for her recovery = that is when you DO NOT offer your help and love. If you do then you become the *ENABLER*. Every alcoholic has one, if not several enablers. And typically they are people close to them, family members, children, parents, etc. Why? Because these are the people that will love them unconditionally no matter how many times they fall off the sobriety wagon. But there is a fine line between loving someone and enabling them to destroy their own lives.

This is certainly not to say I agree with your BF. I don't believe his reasoning is legit, I get more of a sense that he's jealous in the kind of "you're driving your mom home drunk instead of driving me home drunk" kind of way. Maybe I'm wrong but when he said "I can't depend on you to care about me in situations like that.", what does he mean? And you're right, even if you're as wrong as wrong can be in any given situation, him being MEAN is not the answer. No one should be mean to you, most definitely not someone who's in your life to love you and be your partner.

*Co-Dependency*. I highly recommend you google the term. I think you find some shocking similarities between the traits of a co-dependent person and yourself. It is very common for children who grow up with an alcoholic parent to grow into co-dependent adults. I know this from experience. And then comes the mentality that it is your "job" to take care of everyone in your life. But you have a child......and the ONLY people it is your job to take care of is you and that child. Period.

You can work past this....but you need to research, be informed and know what to things in your life to avoid so that you can be the best mother and best person possible.

In the meantime, a man that is mean and disrespectful isn't worth having. IMO.

**torn2pieces** · 07-06-2010 03:31 PM

Thank you very much and I agree with your last sentence, sometimes I wonder why it is so easy for him to be mad at me. I was talking to his cousin and she made a point - he is spoiled - he is an only child and acts like a spoiled child

Thread: Such harsh reaction and words

LinkBack

Thread Tools

Search Thread

Display

Such harsh reaction and words

Similar Threads

harsh attitude of husband

Am l being to harsh to end it?

Bookmarks

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions