Thread: counseling?

Oh it's been a tough weekend for sure. First off, we've argued a lot our relationship. 5 years this last June. Im just tired of it. Sunday we got in a fight. Here's how it started: we woke up, and I asked him what he wanted to do that day. He grumpyish said "idk, dont ask me when I just woke up a second ago" so I was like "okay" and rolled over. We both got up and he went in the living room and has a 10-20m convo with his grandma on the phone. Now he's all cheerful. So, that hurt my feelings. We've spent years together and waking up and talking and asking questions and now he doesnt want to talk to me, but can talk to others. I was sad and I told him why it hurt my feeling (just the same way I typed it above) and he gets angry and deffensive and that goes into a yelling match, him punching doors, he went far across the line and told me he would "probably kill me if I left him". I freaked out and spent 2 hours crying. I tell him that was too much, and I dont feel safe, and he needs to figure something out. He starts crying saying he was sorry and didnt mean it, and he doesnt have anywhere to go so he would just go down stairs.

He's been to anger management, but Idk if it's really helped. He was court ordered. About 2 years ago we got into many serious fights, physical. Anyways, I wanted him back anyways. We are both drinkers, and that was the cause of most of them, but not all of them. We talked about counseling but he did NOT want to tell them about any physical abuse, so I just threw that idea out the window bc if you dont tell them everything how can they help everything? So after this fight on sunday I said we really needed to do it, and he agreed.

This morning we were having a great morning. Last night I got drunk and wanted to have sex with him. Well, he said something making fun of me and I started crying. Cuz it hurt my feelings and I told him that - then he turns around and says how I make fun of him all the time. Ugh. So yea we got into it again.

Im not trying to blame him (this is more of venting since I dont have anyone to tlk to this about). I know it's both our faults. Communication, I've always sucked at it. I get frustrated and mad and just want to be done with it all. I looked online, and counseling will run us $100-120 each session, and $150 for the first. We cannot afford that, esp. if they wanted to see us weekly. Im not sure what to do. Have any of you been to formal marriage/couple counseling. Or do you have any advice?
Thank you for reading this.