His vacation ........

**Fallen1** · 07-06-2010 11:50 AM

I have been so upset for the last few days that I have literally been sick on the stomach. Maybe I am just taking things a bit to serious and to heart ......... maybe I'm just being a baby ........ I don't know.

My husband gets his children for a month in the summer time. He had mentioned to me earlier in the year how he'd like to take some time off when they were here and go visit his brother and his family who live 12 hours away. That was the last I heard about him wanting to do so until 3 weeks ago at supper he said "Would you be able to take off July 6th and 7th? We'll be coming back on the 7th".

I just sat there for a minute and then politely said "no". I was upset with the fact that he made vacation plans for him and his children and did not include/consult me until after the fact. That was/is the main reason I did not go with him, that and the fact that I did not want to be gone on my son's birthday. My family has always gotten together for his and my sisters birthday.

What upset me even more is that I did not know for sure when he was leaving. He never told me. I just happened to overhear him on the phone with his brother telling him when he planned to leave. I also didn't find out until the day before he left that he was not coming back until 2 days later than what I had been told. When I questioned him about it he said that he was only coming back on 7th (Wednesday) if I had been going.

We've had discussions about this kind of thing before, how I often feel left out, like he has two separate lives - him and I, him and his children/parents.

I haven't spoken to him since late Friday night and that was a fiasco that ended in an argument over the situation. We've only communicated by text since that time. I have just been so upset with the situation and I don't want to argue with him. I don't want to ruin his trip.

**pretzel** · 07-06-2010 11:58 AM

you're hubby has no excuse for this,

Yeah you should be mad.

**sourpuss** · 07-06-2010 12:00 PM

I completely understand where you are coming from. You have every right to be angry. I think when people are in his situation, especially men, don't know how to handle the two worlds and they end up dealing with it by not dealing with it and hoping it just works itself out...not knowing that they hurt people's feelings in the process.
Do you have a relationship with his kids at all?

Maybe you should plan a long weekend for yourself while he's away and do something fun you've always wanted to do. Just to unwind and not dwell on it.

**Fallen1** · 07-06-2010 12:10 PM

I have been going with him up until recently to visit the kids on his once a month weekend trip. I haven't been able to go recently because he has to leave at noon on Fridays to make the 5 hour drive to see them. Things at work have changed and I'm not a free as I once was to take half days off on Friday to make the trip.

**LanaBear** · 07-06-2010 12:15 PM

Awww - I would be upset too. The least he could have done was to communicate his intentions to you, but to hear so late in the game through him talking on the phone to someone else, not even you, would have hurt my feelings. I don't blame you! Take the remaining time he is gone to do something for yourself and to cool down a bit, being extremely upset when he returns won't help things at all. But make sure he knows that he shouldn't just do that, making separate plans is fine IMO, especially if one can't make it, but it all boils down to communication communication communication.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 07-06-2010 01:09 PM

I feel like I've been using this word alot lately, but if the shoe fits wear it! *Disregarded.* I would be upset over it, simply because I would feel that me as a person and my feelings had been *disregarded* by the person in my life who is supposed to think most of me.

I think there are some people who are by nature a bit more selfish than others, and if those people have children, it becomes increasingly difficult for them to focus on anyone more at one time than just themselves and their kids. Doesn't make it right, and isn't an excuse for the behavior. He didn't consider you, you were an afterthought.......and who wants to feel like a "tag a long" on someone elses vacation/plans/etc.

Agreed, ruining his vaca would be inappropriate. But resolve yourself to the fact that when he gets back, you will sit down and talk with him about this. I'm sure he will have a much different perspective than you do on it. There's no use being sick over it while he's gone and while there's not a thing that can be done about it. Enjoy your time, your "vaca" from the hubby and the step children......and just relax.

**Fallen1** · 07-06-2010 01:43 PM

Originally Posted by Beautiful Disaster

I feel like I've been using this word alot lately, but if the shoe fits wear it! *Disregarded.* I would be upset over it, simply because I would feel that me as a person and my feelings had been *disregarded* by the person in my life who is supposed to think most of me.

I think there are some people who are by nature a bit more selfish than others, and if those people have children, it becomes increasingly difficult for them to focus on anyone more at one time than just themselves and their kids. Doesn't make it right, and isn't an excuse for the behavior. He didn't consider you, you were an afterthought.......and who wants to feel like a "tag a long" on someone elses vacation/plans/etc.

Agreed, ruining his vaca would be inappropriate. But resolve yourself to the fact that when he gets back, you will sit down and talk with him about this. I'm sure he will have a much different perspective than you do on it. There's no use being sick over it while he's gone and while there's not a thing that can be done about it. Enjoy your time, your "vaca" from the hubby and the step children......and just relax.

BD that's exactly how I feel and why I am so upset ...... an afterthought.

He's not selfish at all about everyday things it's just things that involve his children/parents. I always feel like the third wheel, the last to know. I've told him this over and over and so far nothing has seemed to change.

Maybe I just need to give it time. We've only been married for a little over 6 months.

**Hopeless Dork** · 07-06-2010 01:52 PM

I understand why you are upset and I know it has way more to do with being included in the decision making process than the trip itself. I think this is just an exacerbation of something thats probably been stewing for a while with you, the seperation of his family and your family together.

Maybe instead of turning this into a big fight that no one wins... this can be the open window to communication about how to be more included with his whole life.

**WildChild** · 07-06-2010 02:42 PM

HD is right that if you can use this as a springboard to better communication you can turn this around. You both have children you need time with, its nice if some of that is just you and your child(ren) and some is with your SO and children but people in a committed relationship communicate with each other on what is going on. It's a courtesy and it's part of haviong someone in your life not just on the sidelines.

When you are able to be calm and talk about this, explain to him how this made you feel and make some suggestions on how this can be avoided for the future. What if you had wanted to surprise him and had bought expensive concert tickets for a date he vanished without telling you? He needs to grasp the concept that while he is free to make his own plans for time with his kids, he needs to include you and at the least let you know what is going on.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 07-06-2010 03:09 PM

Ohh...newlyweds.

Oh yes, this is an important issue, one you have every right to be concerned about, but I think, if you really use this as an opportunity to get this issue out on the table, you can strengthen this area of your relationship. He needs to understand it's not cool, it's not okay, but that you know he didn't do it with ill intent. I guess being newly married (especially with kids) there will be an adjustment period, but it's also a time to set the placemark for the future of what's ok and what's not ok. It sounds like things are good in all other aspects, and I'm sure he's just not fully grasping how badly this makes you feel inside. I feel confident that if you talk to him about this issue with a cool head and a warm heart , you two can totally resolve it and he'll be more thoughtful in the future.

And if he's not.....well....just let us know and we'll help you plot ways to torture him. HEHEHE. KIDDING!!!!!