Husband having emotional affair?

**elenor19** · 07-18-2010 10:41 PM

Okay, here goes. Please forgive me for this long post.

I just saw the term "emotional affair" today and seems to be quite apt. Let me first mention that my husband of 20 years is very caring and open with me. He has told me that he he finds this particular women (married) in his office very to be one of the "most elegent women ever", one of the most efficient, intelligent, etc. She used to be his secretary but now works in a different department. I have seen a sort of tension between them the couple of times I have met her. He has been open enough to tell me that while they are not close friends, he would like her to become a close friend and maybe able to spend some time together. He has fantacized having physical relation with her because it makes him feel good to have these fantasies, but he "does not mean to make it real ever." He found out from another office colleague that this woman is having problems with her marriage and he has been pre-occupied about it. My husband dearly wishes that she would confide in him so that he can do something to help, including ask her to move in with us with her child.

Let me mention that I have no cause to complain of my physical and emotional relationship with my husband. Our two sons are his world. He tells me everyday how much I mean to him. But his preoccupation with this female colleague is upsetting me. Between his globetrotting (avg 20 days a month) and long work, I find it hard when he is emotionally preoccupied the little time he is home. Am I over-reacting? Any comments?

Again, I apologize for the long post.

**stressed** · 07-18-2010 11:14 PM

elenor, did he tell you he has fantasized about having a physical relation with her? I wonder how that came up and I wonder how you reacted to it. He seems to be obsessed by this woman and I wouldn't be comfortable with this either. He has a crush on this woman.

**Hopeless Dork** · 07-19-2010 06:29 AM

Elenor, MY feelings got hurt reading your post, I seriously don't think you are overreacting. He hears a rumour that some woman he barely knows (but is physically attracted to and enamored with) is having marriage problems and dreams (and shares with you) that his hope is to get her to move in with you guys?

Is he an emotionally balanced man in touch with reality? No offense here... but I can't imagine a stable man even considering that notion in a realistic way much less telling his wife about such a fantasy.

So he tells you how much you mean to him, thats fantastic! But those are just words... and after 20 years you'd think he'd respect your feelings enough to not burn them like this.

How would he feel, if you met a young man at work that you found sexy, fantasized about being physical with... that was having some problems paying his rent and you wanted to move him into your family home... you also think he is so smart, funny, intelligent... he's on your mind constantly -- how in the world would your husband feel about that?

I would respect his honesty but have concerns with his grasp on reality... He doesn't even KNOW this woman that well and wants to move her in? You should NOT feel bad for thinking this whole notion and obsession is absurd. It is.

**LanaBear** · 07-19-2010 12:19 PM

I don't think you are over reacting at all... I would be absolutely crushed and painfully heart broken. He's honest about it, yeah, but there is fantasy and then there is reality. I'm not sure if he knows the line between them.

The fact that he is so emotionally pre-occupied about her, that he WANTS them to become close friends and spend time together, that is just BEGGING for trouble. He's already emotionally invested in it, I don't think it would be a difficult jump for him to become physically invested either.

On top of that, he is wishing she would ask him to move in with you all, with her child. That hurts, heck that hurts me, I can't even begin to imagine how you are dealing with it. I think some part of him is living in a big ole fantasy world and it is time for you to try to put the brakes on it.

**PandaPaws** · 07-19-2010 06:29 PM

Oh my gosh. Like the others, I too would be crushed if my SO said any of that to me. Having a crush on another woman is not okay, and I'm almost wondering if he's telling you about all this to see what you'll put up with. I mean, telling you he's having physical fantasies about her?? And wanting her to confide in him? And to MOVE IN??? No. Just no. You have to tell him that this is not okay, how much it hurts you. If this is something he really wants to pursue, he better think long and hard about it, because he would be losing you then.

Good luck to you. Hugs.

**elenor19** · 07-19-2010 11:55 PM

Thanks so much for all the responses. I know that everyone has their fantasies and we can laugh about it. What bothered me was the emotional aspect of it. I almost felt at first if I was being selfish in not wanting to do all I can to help another women when she is in a distressing situation, but I really don't think so. All this time I have bee the supportive spouse in every way, and had no cause to complain. But now it is time to have a straight talk.

**LanaBear** · 07-19-2010 11:59 PM

Please come back and let us know how it goes!

**elenor19** · 07-20-2010 10:07 PM

Here is the follow-up. My H called me up this morning (we anyway talk at least once a day while he is on travel) and said he could tell that something was bothering me and knew exactly what it was. He apolgized for putting me thru this mental turmoil and said it was completely wrong of him to even think in these lines and then share them with me as serious possibilities. He promised to completely put a stop this and said he would not jeopardize our relationship at any cost. What we have together is the most important thing in the world to him. I believe he is sincere, and will pray that this is the end of the matter.

**PandaPaws** · 07-22-2010 07:47 PM

Originally Posted by elenor19

Here is the follow-up. My H called me up this morning (we anyway talk at least once a day while he is on travel) and said he could tell that something was bothering me and knew exactly what it was. He apolgized for putting me thru this mental turmoil and said it was completely wrong of him to even think in these lines and then share them with me as serious possibilities. He promised to completely put a stop this and said he would not jeopardize our relationship at any cost. What we have together is the most important thing in the world to him. I believe he is sincere, and will pray that this is the end of the matter.

Wow, well that is really nice that he just fully admitted what he did, that it was wrong of him, apoligized and that he wouldn't jeopardize your relationship at any cost... you are the most important thing in the world to him. (I wish my bf would have handled it that way when he was emotionally unfaithful to me...) But, although his words were nice, he now has to PROVE it to you in real life. If you want to make this work, you need to give him a chance to do that, but I'd still keep some guard up. Actions always speak louder than words - and I'm talking long term actions, not just "oh I'll be nice to her for 2 weeks and then get complacent." No, he needs to go above and beyond, for the long haul.
Good luck to you.

**elenor19** · 08-14-2011 11:26 AM

I am sorry to be posting after such a prolonged gap...not an active poster. Just wanted to put out my confusion/frustration and get some advice. It is a follow-up from my initial post. I know that my husband has continued to be friends with the women I mentioned before, which was okay with me. Around March he himself came and told me that he confessed to the women that he had had a crush on her but now he is past it and he would like to just continue to good friends. That confused me. Why bring it up at all, if he is past it? Apparently it was to "make the matters end from his side". Whenever he is town on a weekday (quite rare), he has been rushing off to office at times with some sudden excuses...now I find that it is to be able to see her...based on her work schedule. He could have just told me that he was going to office to meet her, instead of some lame excuses. Finally I got desperate and peeped into his skype chats with her (which are numerous) and in the last one he was begging her to give him some face-to-face time, at any terms that worked for her. The chats are peppered with all the phrases of gentle endearment that uses for me! Am I overreacting, being too possessive or jealous if the relationship is not physical? Sorry for the long post.