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Reply With QuoteHas he been going to AA meetings or how does he work on his recovery? Is he religious? Why does he not want to work?
Hurting so bad, it's affecting my health...
OK.
I am a 27 old newlywed (3months yesterday) married to a qualified lawyer, who refuses to commence his practice because he fears he will put people lives in danger. That is just one of the complexities I am yet to understand. He prefers to go work for minimum wages and even getting him to do that is a big push.
The main reason I am writing is because I am so hurt and pained by his constant need to mastubate every single night while looking at pornography. I have read so many threads on this issue and have appreciated the comments from the writers. While we were dating (2 years), I knew he had dvds of the porn but I never really thought he had a problem. At that time, the most we would spend together would be a few hours. I never knew what went on after 6pm at his place. The result he now tells me is that he has always looked at porn in the night and mastubated because it relaxes him. (rolls eyes)
I am so deeply saddened by the fact that we are now married, have sex maybe once or twice a week (if so much) and he does this every night while I am asleep - or so he thinks. It has reached a stage now where I can't sleep properly because I know what he is doing and it is wrecking my nerves. Sometimes I feel I could just smash the laptop to pieces! yes we have talked...but it fell on deaf ears.
I have tried engaging in porn watching while he mastubates but honest to god, it disgusts me. But I am saying to myself he has to realize for himself it is a problem. But like my husband thinks with his penis and not his brains.
We live with my parents as he is from another Caribbean island and are very wealthy people. My parents and I are humble people. He came to live with us January of this year because he suffers with depression and had a breakdown. He just could not keep living at home with his parents due to an illness of his dad. What I should mention in all this haywire pieces of info is that he has terrible psychological issues with his dad while younger. Which would explain the depression phase.
When he came home by me, it was real strange. Alot of adjustments had to be made. How my parents agreed to that, only god knows. They are deeply traditional people. Anyhows, we got married, not because of circumstance, but because we both wanted that committment.
Now, he is at home, not working, wanting the best of food and entertainment and I must go to work and bring the money home. Jealous I am and frustrated. Now the porn is upsetting me and when I speak to him about it, he tells me all men do this...blah! I am so fed up. I am just going to leave him alone. No sex. what about me?? We had such an active sexlife while we were dating...I mean like real active!!!! and now, jeeze...
So there are a # of issues affecting me...
1. his depression and not willing to get medically treated.. (he desn't want anyone "throwing it back in his face", his asking for help)
2. his lack of a job (highly educated and not making use of it - he has quite a bit of top contacts who would hire him off the bat)
3. PORNO!! - every single frigging day and night!
When I sit and think the amount of sacrificies I am making for my husband and he is not making the effort, it hurts me. This is not how our married life is supposed to be. We are two highly educated people who should be building our home now, or furthering our education... yet, nothing is happening.
BTW, he is a recovering alcoholic - 3yrs plus of being sober. He has some major issues to sort out and does not want to take the steps to sort them out because of fear. He is afraid he will loose his sex drive if he goes on meds for his depression, he is afraid to go and get a job because all his life he has been given everything, he is just AFRAID! And I need, need him to be a MAN and stand up to his responsibilities cause I cannot do this own my own. I really can't. I cannot handle all the responsibilities by myself, manage a household and take care of him, when he can take care of himself to an extent. He is making his depression an excuse for everything! It is extremely tiring..and last Friday, I was diagnosed with polycystic ovaries and that shocked me to thy kingdom come...never saw that coming... So the least he can do is empathize and respect my wishes!
My solace, --> God grant me the sernity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and WISDOM to know the difference.
I just needed to get some of my pain out.
AshaB
"Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow; it only saps today of its strength." - A.J. Cronin
Has he been going to AA meetings or how does he work on his recovery? Is he religious? Why does he not want to work?
I've seen a number of cases here where porn addiction and depression seem to go together. It may be that if he can fix the depression, the porn problem will go away. Has he ever been treated for depression? You say he is wealthy, so he should be able to afford care. If he is a lawyer who is not willing to work - that sounds like a sign that he could use help. Maybe you could bring that up with him? I think there are lots of types of legal practice that don't put people in danger.
If I were you, I would think really long and hard about whether this relationship will really work. He is a mess on so many levels. I don't mean to be too calculating, but I fear the energy required on your part to help "fix" him -- assuming he can be fixed -- will be so large that if and when you reach this point there will be nothing of the original you left. So be careful and look out for what is best for you in the long-term.
Taking away the reason for an "addiction" is better than just trying to get someone to stop. Do you ask for sex every night? Masturbating before bed does help some people sleep, particularly when psychological problems are contributing. However sex with another person should nearly always trump masturbation unless it's a true problem. If you aren't ready to have sex every night then what do you expect him to do? The go without theory doesn't work for most people and those that can follow it usually can't do so indefinitely. Personally I don't see it as an addiction but just a behavior to fill in for lack of something better. The only time I would consider it a problem is when the other person wants sex and it isn't possible from masturbating too often. If you want to get rid of the masturbation and porn offer something better.
If you want him to get up and work then stop doing things for him. It's the hardest thing to do but the more you try to help lessen someone else's stress the more you actually cause them to get stuck in the situation. If you can't handle everything then tell him you won't. If you can't make enough money to support the lifestyle he wants then stop trying to give it to him.
I think there's some major communication problems here. Possibly partially because you don't want to upset him with all he's dealing with but it will be much worse if you let him continue as is and eventually reach the point of divorcing him. Believe me no matter how much patience and tolerance you have you do eventually get there. It took me 2 years of dealing with a similar situation but it did eventually happen. When it does he won't have improved, he won't have gained any skills to survive on his own, and you'll have left him alone. Better to start the sink or swim attitude now than after you've lost most of your feelings for him. Sit him down and lay things out. Then do the hard part of following through. It's surprising what people in that type of situation can suddenly accomplish when they know you are serious. Unfortunately for my ex I complained without following through until I reached my limit and walked out one night. I called his mom to come get him since he was incapable of caring for himself. Afterward I heard he finally went to see a psychiatrist and started back at college but by then it was too little too late for us. I don't know the final outcome and I don't really care anymore.
Thanks for the advice all.
He has been attending his AA meetings regularly. He has been to various psychiatrists over the past 10 years. I know he sounds like a mess but truly, he is not. With all the emotional damage from his family and dealing with his recovery etc, he has come a long way. He is trying to make changes in life and I do appreciate that. It's just that, i feel sometimes it takes so long. To be honest, I am so tired after work that I really sometimes do not feel the need for intercourse. So to Kira --> thanks for that perspective.
What I failed to mention is that his dad is on his last days having suffered double strokes and is now totally paralyzed and suffering with hernia problems, among other issues. Knowing your parent is like that and you can't do anything, even with all the money can be devastating. When I look at it, if it was my own parents I would have broken down myself...
I totally agree with rcoryus --> once he gets help with the depression, he'll be fine. Remember guys, he's dealing with two diseases here, together with low self esteem and self confidence problem, hence his fear of practising law. He thinks if he does something small in the interim and take small steps, it will be better for him and gradually he will muster the courage to start his career. He comes from a family of lawyers and well established businessmen, so honestly I do not think he has a problem establishing himself.
I read an article about porn/masturbation, and really thinking about it, it is not him you know. It is me. It is my insecurities which are creating all this turmoil. All in all, we both have work to do on ourselves. I just ahve to understand that I cannot "fix" him, being the perfectionist that I am and let god do his work. As someone close to me said, "Nothing happens in God's world by accident"...
Thanks for the contributions!
God Bless.
AshaB
"Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow; it only saps today of its strength." - A.J. Cronin
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