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Thread: Husbands emotional affair

  1. #1
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    Unhappy Husbands emotional affair


    I have been battling with my marriage since my husbands multiple emotional affairs . I have been with him 19 ears and he has had several emotional affairs one that even cost him his job.and are family suffered terribly from it the last was by far the most hurtful because he lied about it and said he didnt want to hurt her feelings (what about mine) he told her personal things about my childhood,she had him convinced i was cheating and even though he told her he loved me it was a bashing session against me all the time .he had one month to stop it on his own instead he ran and told her i found out and was crazy he did eventually stop after i made him begged him and told him what to say and then I said I wanted a divorce he did not and he wanted to work on this promised 3rd time he would never do it again then he found old h.s. girl to start yet another emotional affair said no sex no problem .wrong and I just dont trust him anymore I am miserable not knowing what to do and over last year he had ignored me and lost all ambition he admitted to taking me for granted now if I leave the house at all hes non stop calling or texting my phone he has to know where I am at all times says well that is because we are married he has cost me several friendships because he is so controlling now and he has gotten lazy he would not even make counselor appt.. he said well i figured it would just go away and everyone says if i leave its me breaking up family how is that fair since there was supposably no sex just sex talk that makes it not cheating so now everyone one is poor him if i leave what am i to do any advice would be appreciated as i feel i am losing my mind

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    WH Assistant Head Moderator Array LanaBear's Avatar
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    After going through all this, my last concern would be what everyone else thought. I'd leave. He doesn't respect you and nobody deserves to be treated like that repeatedly. Promises are continuously broken. What is keeping you in this marriage? He's controlling, but is freely doing what he wants. You deserve better.
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    Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Array PandaPaws's Avatar
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    Having ANY emotional affairs is unacceptable. Trust me. I know how that feels... Anyway. You are displaying my biggest fear here - that it will happen again. And the fact that your husband has done this repeatedly and lied about it, obviously you CANNOT trust him. Hard as it will be, I agree it will be best to leave. You will be happier in the long run. Good luck to you!

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    thank you for your responses and the answer to "what is keeping me" I suppose answer is 3 kids and 19 years invested . I am scared to move on and start over I had bad childhood and I think at one point he saved me, I know leaving is what I have to do I think maybe I just needed to hear it from someone not emotionally involved.

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    Let's say that this is something that can be worked out. You say he hasn't acually cheated. Well that's good but emotional affairs can be just as bad if not worse in some cases. I have a lot of questions.

    What does he do with these women? Just talk and bash you or does he tell him that he has feelings for them?

    Is it purley a person to rant to or does he really care about these women? Does he tell them secrets he doesn't tell you? Does he have sexual feelings about them?

    Is it the lies that hurts or the fact that he does this at all? (or both)

    When does he see these women? Work and social events? Or does he go places and do things with them?

    These things make a difference, but i'm not sure how much. He has been dishonest and seems unhappy with you and your relationship. Have you addressed these issues? Have you asked him what it is exactly that he is unhappy about.
    ☮“I am convinced that the women of the world, united without any regard for national or racial dimensions, can become a most powerful force for international peace and brotherhood.”☮

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    Two often, we forgive. In hope? You feel that he saved you and so you owe him, yet you are smart enough to also note that he doesn't deserve you, he's controlling, he has emotional affairs and he emotionally is blackmailing you, doesn't want to leave, I'll work it out, promise, to break it again.

    When we forgive a second time and a third there is no fourth, but he will believe that there will be, because you always forgive him...

    He may have saved you but what he did was pick a woman whom was lost. And, therefore, by "saving you" he owns you. He controls you, controls your friendships, where you go, and in telling you it's not sex, so it's okay, further control.

    What he wanted was a wife to control, keep, his and women he could be free with... and he has it.

    So, what are you going to do about it...

    CW
    PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

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    Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Array PandaPaws's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by broken wife View Post
    thank you for your responses and the answer to "what is keeping me" I suppose answer is 3 kids and 19 years invested . I am scared to move on and start over I had bad childhood and I think at one point he saved me, I know leaving is what I have to do I think maybe I just needed to hear it from someone not emotionally involved.
    I can understand on the scared part, not that I have experienced the investment that you have, but my gosh life and relationships can be scary. Hugs to you.

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    Well to answer questions he states he only talks with these woman he denied anything sexual then when i gained proof said they only talked sexual he stated mostly from his end . both the fact he did this and he lied hurt however the fact he lied to my face and had to best of my knowledge always been truthfull crushed me and he said they were disscussing starting a business which involved our money. she denied this . I am not cetain if he tells them he has feeling but his text insinuate it and they talk about me . our marital issues . our sex life, my childhood. he works with and they live in his work area this came to a head about 6 months ago and I just can't get passed it . our marriage has been rocky last couple years he went to college and got a new career he was out of town more and I was pretty much single parent .agreement was when he was done with school I go every time I enroll so does he knowing I will be one to worry about kids . he also says I have wrapped myself up in kids sports etc he is right on that and says he lacks attention due to it . iIam a mom . I have to say sex life has died off a lot i am not attracted to him anymore and I need emotional before sex as a woman and he says he needs sex to feel love. I told him I cant he says what like mowing grass or something you CANT? and I know he has had lunch with one . I recently went back to work he was calling me to argue coming in and saying guys were flirting with me and accusing me of affairs. which is not true.he also started going through my phone records every day .

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    sorry left out when he lied i believed him and I could always tell before if he was being truthful I apologize I am new to this

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    Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Array BasketCase's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by broken wife View Post
    Well to answer questions he states he only talks with these woman he denied anything sexual then when i gained proof said they only talked sexual he stated mostly from his end . both the fact he did this and he lied hurt however the fact he lied to my face and had to best of my knowledge always been truthfull crushed me and he said they were disscussing starting a business which involved our money. she denied this . I am not cetain if he tells them he has feeling but his text insinuate it and they talk about me . our marital issues . our sex life, my childhood. he works with and they live in his work area this came to a head about 6 months ago and I just can't get passed it . our marriage has been rocky last couple years he went to college and got a new career he was out of town more and I was pretty much single parent .agreement was when he was done with school I go every time I enroll so does he knowing I will be one to worry about kids . he also says I have wrapped myself up in kids sports etc he is right on that and says he lacks attention due to it . iIam a mom . I have to say sex life has died off a lot i am not attracted to him anymore and I need emotional before sex as a woman and he says he needs sex to feel love. I told him I cant he says what like mowing grass or something you CANT? and I know he has had lunch with one . I recently went back to work he was calling me to argue coming in and saying guys were flirting with me and accusing me of affairs. which is not true.he also started going through my phone records every day .

    This clears things up a bit. I am not usually one to suggest divorve because I am about to get married and the thought of divorce eats at me. That said I think in some situations it may be for the best. I get the feeling that all the feelings of love you once held for this man has been replaced with responsibillity and obligation. He seems resentful for the lack of attention he gets because of the kids and you are obviously fed up with the lies.And no longer desire to get close to him. And lack of trust will destroy a relationship more than anything in my opinion. His actions with these women are inapropriate and you have every reason to be upset about it. I have heard that people that cheat tend to be controlling and such because they feel like if they are doing it then there partner must also be doing it and most of the time that's not the case. Perhaps a part of him feels guilty and ashamed at what he's doing and he takes it out on you. He seems to have the mentality that he wouldn't have to have these relationships if you would pay more attention to him or have sex with him more. And that's BS because no excuse is a good excuse to cheat and he has cheated ,if not physicaly, then mentally.

    I grew up in a situation much like this one and it stings a little to watch you mother deal with the controlling nature. So (all of your emothions, and his emotions aside) you have to ask yourself "is this a good enviroment for my children"? because it's really hard for me to trust people now with the issues I saw growing up and has affected me later in life. And while I don't blame my mother for this I do think her actions played a part. I remember thinking 'why won't she just leave, why is she so weak?' Divorce is hard on kids but not as hard as this.

    So as much as I hate to say it. it might be time to call it quits. If you have tried and tried and still the problem remains, then it is time to start over. Broken wife? I think maybe the problem is a broken Husband and you deserve better.
    ☮“I am convinced that the women of the world, united without any regard for national or racial dimensions, can become a most powerful force for international peace and brotherhood.”☮

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