Engagements - Are We Misguided?

**Beautiful Disaster** · 07-20-2010 04:11 PM

I got an email from an engaged friend earlier, stating she and her fiance are having problems. She ended by saying "For now everything is still on..." talking about their upcoming wedding. I continued my studying, but the thought hit me: We have become so misguided in what an engagement period is truly for that we often marry into situations we otherwise wouldn't.

What I mean by this is.... the norm in the US now days is for a girl to become engaged and pretty quickly start planning a wedding. Photographers and caterers must be booked early to get the best ones, wedding halls/churches must be booked early to ensure availability, etc. Before they know it, the newly engaged couple has hundreds and thousands of dollars tied up in a wedding long before it is even in sight.

But then throughout the engagement fights arise, disagreements, incompatibilities surface. If the couple were merely dating, one or both would be likely inclined to end the relationship. But because by this time they've already invested money, their time and their family and friends time....they stay in in a relationship thats headed for marriage thats headed for destruction.

I wish that we could get away from that notion that engagement = wedding planning time. Because when red flags go up and your heart tells you it's wrong....you should be able to walk away from that without feeling the pressure to follow through with something just because you've invested lots of time and resources into it. Because in a year, you will forget all the frills of your wedding day, but you won't forget the troubled marriage you're in. Life is too short people....it's too short.

**Little** · 07-20-2010 06:02 PM

Problems can crop up at any time in a relationship. Deal-breakers can happen after decades of marriage. I take issue when the problem has been there all along - from day 1 - and the couple gets engaged because they think that marriage will somehow alleviate it. Anybody who's been on this board for more than a few days can attest to it - marriage doesn't solve any pre-existing problem. And proposals get used every day to "save" otherwise-failing relationships, a last hoorah to try to prove your love. Which is bull hockey.
Alternatively, there are lots of couples who get engaged at the first notion that they might one day marry, then fall into the exact trap you mentioned. That idea that they have to start planning RIGHT NOW or it'll never happen - then by the time the doubts start coming around, it's too late, they're too far in.
I got engaged (once upon a time) for all the wrong reasons, though to be fair with myself I was madly and blindly in love. A sufficient combo of cold feet and our friends' discouragement saved the day, so I make it a point to discourage "bad engagements" where I see them. One girl I know from high school is all over facebook with how her fiance cheats on her, but she has 4 years invested so she stays. A classmate from college admitted to me she got engaged because it was more grown-up to have a fiance than a boyfriend. She married somebody else a few months ago. A male friend of mine is going to marry his first girlfriend, an expensive habit who likes to belittle him at every opportunity. Thankfully I know just as many examples of current healthy engagements, or I'd really be losing faith in the institution of marriage and desperation's role in it. It may be "bad manners" to discourage somebody's life choice, but if they open up to me about the negative, I can't help but be honest.
I would not get engaged again. I would be more than happy to accept a shiny ring from my man and marry him in a legal ceremony, but I won't add to my or anybody's hoopla (perceived or real) over the event. And I have no use for long engagements - either you're in a relationship, or you're married ... trying to get married or planning on it doesn't mean much to me other than warning lights.

**Hopeless Dork** · 07-20-2010 10:33 PM

Thing is, even if it had another name... the minute all that planning starts to go into effect the same things would happen. Like if you did no wedding planning during your 'engagement' once the wedding planning did happen and the 'oh carp, this is really gonna happen feelings' kick in people would be faced with the same situation.

I think what SHOULD be different is all the hullabaloo that people invest into a wedding, I mean the lengths people go to in order to impress people (people that moan on the way over wishing they didn't even have to show up and are just hoping for some good food and an open bar) are sometimes rediculous!

People will say' wow that was a beautiful wedding', then they move on with there day and never think of it again. All those weeks spent fretting over napkin rings is sOO pointless IMO. It has nothing to do with 'love' and the size of one's cake is no reflection of how strongly a couple feel for each other.

I just personally don't get it. I'd rather have a small little intimate gathering with close friends and spend the money on an awesome trip or some cool thing we can share together in our new life.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 07-21-2010 07:15 AM

Agree with both of you. I just wonder how excited girls would be about getting married if they KNEW they could not have a wedding? Ya know....if you knew once you got engaged, your wedding would consist of a visit to the local courthouse....would you still be so EAGER for marriage? Obviously not all of us are the same in this, we have a large number of women on this site who don't want a wedding, but where I'm from.......girls live for this. I'd venture to guess if these girls could not have the "wedding" and all the hooplah that goes along with it....they'd be far less excited about the actual marriage.

I too was engaged once. And because I didn't get involved in wedding planning, and preoccupied with things like colors and shoes.........it became clear during the engagement that this wasn't going to be a happy marriage...so I left. But had I bought a dress, payed $5k in various deposits, had my bridesmaids dresses purchased, taken money from my parents and his for different things, bought a house with him, etc.....it would have been MUCH harder to leave what would have ended up being a very unhappy marriage.

So yeah....if the whole wedding hooplah junk didn't exist.....wonder how many of these people would still get married? Wonder how many of them would still live their lives every day looking for the "one" who'd marry them?

**KMonte85** · 07-21-2010 08:41 AM

I'm with you BD... in my area too, there are sooooo many young women who want nothing more than to have a big fancy wedding - they've got their colors picked out, the location, the flowers, the bridesmaids. Just 'insert groom here' and the wedding is complete, and hey.. that whole "marriage" thing that happens after the wedding, eh! We'll figure it out...

If people were more clued into a MARRIAGE as opposed to a WEDDING I think a lot more couples would hold off on becoming engaged. You become engaged to plan a MARRIAGE, not to plan a WEDDING. So to me, during the engagement, yes I guess some wedding planning is involved, but that should not be the focal point of being engaged... to me, engagements are more about planning to merge your lives together - including living arrangements, careers, finances, worship practices, etc. and is probably a good time to get some pre-marital counseling.

If more people approached an engagement this way I think there would A. be fewer engagements and B. be fewer divorces.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 07-21-2010 09:22 AM

If more people approached an engagement this way I think there would A. be fewer engagements and B. be fewer divorces.

Totally agree. I wish there was some way to do a "study"....ya know...something where people could get engaged but could not have engagement parties, bridal showers, formal weddings, etc. It would be interesting to see how society would react.

The divorce rate is something that troubles me, along with many others I'm sure. I see people every day in situations I'm so thankful I'm not in. And the more I look, and the more I see.....the more I realize that somewhere along the way we are set up for failure because of societal standards.

I agree with Little that really, an actual formal engagement shouldn't even be necessary. I think at some point in time it was probably intended to be a time for couples to prepare for their lives together. Now, it has become a time for couples to prepare for their wedding day.

My friend emailed me again this morning and said she's hoping this is just a cause of "cold feet". She said "Well I haven't been the easiest to get along with lately, and I guess the stress and the fighting has caused him to have doubts..." Of course she's blaming herself. Thing is.. my ex and her fiance are best friends, so my ex would always tell me when her fiance was complaining about her, and it was constant. So I know it's more than just the stress and "cold feet". He's never respected her, he's put on a good front....and she's about to walk down the isle to a life of unhappiness. Very sad. And for what?

**Hopeless Dork** · 07-21-2010 10:31 AM

There are plenty of women that are eager to get married for the wedding. You are SOOOOO right with the planning a marriage during an engagement vs planning a wedding because truly thats all most people do.

I read an article on yahoo recently this lady having a nervous break down because clinton's daughter was being married in her town same day and she was worried about traffic/road closures etc -- thats an understandable worry but the rest of the article "her day" just reminded of that whole bridezilla process. "Her big day" This is "her day"... the wedding seems to directly point to the fact that its something for the bride not the couple. "Whatever you want baby, its YOUR day!!"

What is the first thing a girl does when she gets engaged... of course she tells her friends, but no call will do - no she must see them all so she can "show off the ring"... look at this ring!!! and the friends reply with "How many karets is that???!!! Its such showmanship IMO.

Just look at movies like Bride wars, for even more stereotypical examples of what getting married means to a lot of women... its truly about the wedding. I don't think its wrong that people want to celebrate a special day and to do it up if they can afford it... I just think that it shouldn't be the all consuming focus that it is for many brides to be, or wannabe brides to be.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 07-21-2010 10:56 AM

but the rest of the article "her day" just reminded of that whole bridezilla process. "Her big day" This is "her day"... the wedding seems to directly point to the fact that its something for the bride not the couple. "Whatever you want baby, its YOUR day!!"

Makes me want to barf. This just came up the other day in discussion with a friend. I was telling her about this guy I knew and how he and his new wife posted pics of their wedding day on facebook. Beautiful pictures, perfect photography, beautiful colors, smiles here, smiles there......oh la la love is in the air. Funny thing is, he and I had been friends in high school and crushed on each other a bit. He emailed me two weeks before their wedding and then called me several times because he wasn't sure he was making the right decision by marrying her. So yeah...the day looked perfect, the smiles were painted on perfectly, she had her perfect day......but was it truly what it appeared in those pictures? No.

Everyone is always yodeling about keeping the sanctity of marriage but few are doing anything to actually keep it. And matter of fact, all this hooplah society teaches us is normal, is setting marriages up for failure.

**LanaBear** · 07-21-2010 11:15 AM

Originally Posted by Beautiful Disaster

Makes me want to barf. This just came up the other day in discussion with a friend. I was telling her about this guy I knew and how he and his new wife posted pics of their wedding day on facebook. Beautiful pictures, perfect photography, beautiful colors, smiles here, smiles there......oh la la love is in the air. Funny thing is, he and I had been friends in high school and crushed on each other a bit. He emailed me two weeks before their wedding and then called me several times because he wasn't sure he was making the right decision by marrying her. So yeah...the day looked perfect, the smiles were painted on perfectly, she had her perfect day......but was it truly what it appeared in those pictures? No.

Everyone is always yodeling about keeping the sanctity of marriage but few are doing anything to actually keep it. And matter of fact, all this hooplah society teaches us is normal, is setting marriages up for failure.

I don't really think you can read a whole lot into people insecurities right before there wedding. Many, many people often question if it is the right decision right before their wedding. It's a BIG step and a BIG life changing decision.

So, yeah, he may have expressed his doubts before the wedding. But maybe he sat back and thought long and hard about it before and decided that yeah, this is it, this is the woman he was meant to be with and maybe he can't see himself without her. So, maybe their day did end up being what it appeared in those pictures. Maybe he saw her walking down the aisle and knew that she was his and vice versa.

Have you talked to him since? Is he still questioning the decision? If he did go through with the wedding and still has those feelings, then shame on him. People are so afraid to break off engagements, I believe for the sole purpose of disappointing everyone around them, that their true feelings and emotions end up coming last. But, overall, I don't think it is out of the ordinary for anybody to question the decision before it happens.

But, other than that, yeah, the big hoopla over engagements is rotten. Why have an engagement? Is there really a point these days? I definitely wouldn't base my potential marriage, relationship, dating, future on divorce rates. I think if a person stays true to themselves and their beliefs than they will be fine. Get married if you want or not, don't base your decision on statistics. Statistics, IMO are for followers who can't make their own decision.

So what IS the point of an engagement? What does an engagement provide a couple that a stable committed relationship with no engagement doesn't?

**sallyskellington** · 07-21-2010 01:21 PM

I'm not gonna lie I had the big New York wedding, but I think I am one of the few couples that did not fight when we were planning our wedding. The only thing we did not agree on right away was the hall but he let me have it. I believe engagement and planning a wedding can bring a couple closer togerther if done correctly. You can learn new things about that person that you didn't know *even if its something small* And while I see your point about planning the wedding during the engament but I wouldn't wanna start planning a life or a future no less a $95,000 party with someone until they put a ring on my finger.

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