Angry, stressed and undecided wife

**stressedwife** · 07-21-2010 05:21 PM

I need help or just to be heard that's why I came here for the anonymity. Anyways, I have been marrid for almost 7yrs and we have a 5yr old. My husband is a gambler: he gambles away the mortgage, pretty much everything sometimes. Sometimes, maybe 2 mths he does better, but he always reverts. He makes more than I do and I always end up covering his half by borrowing or depleting the savings I keep trying to have. So I am extremely stressed and angry, but I have come to realize it is an illness I do not understand. He went to gamblers anonymous once and told himself he was cured. On top of it all, he has to dress a certain way, he likes to take care of his extended family and when he cannot do so he gambles it all. I feel like he is just greedy and living above his means. To make matters worse, I checked his cellphone (I don't trust him, past issues) and found text between him and a girl a couple of weeks ago, we talked and I argued about it, we were supposedly moving forward and I found new inapproriate messages 2 days ago. He blames the texts on his gambling saying he was flirting with her b/c she made bets for him when he doesn't have the money and he now owes her money. She works at the track!!!He claims I have no idea how many ppl he owes and he doesn't want to loose me or his family and he needs help. I am not buying any of it. I am just so angry about all the he keeps putting me through. Did I point out that I have gained 30 pounds since last year? I don't want to do anything, I and am so angry and irritated and so frustrated all the time. I think about leaving and come to the realization that everything is in my name, so I don't want to leave it all behind and he won't pay it cause of the whole gambling thing. I can't afford to move somewhere else and pay two bills. I am thinking about walking out the door right now and going to my Moms and if everything defaults so be it. My problem is I love him too much and he knows that. I don't feel that he knows how to love me...he said he does...I don't know about gambling and I don't know how to deal with this

...he said he is calling gamblers anonymous...sorry about the long message..any constructive advice is so welcomed.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 07-21-2010 05:46 PM

Certainly an upsetting situation to be in. Living with an addict is VERY stressful and draining. And it sounds like you're so stressed from putting all your focus on his addiction and his problems that you're forgetting about yourself. But with a husband like him, what is absolutely crucial in your childs life? YOU. And who is the one person in life that you have to live with forever? YOU.

Is there a prenup involved in this marriage? When you married him, whether things are in your name or his, whats yours is half his and whats his is half yours. That means you split the debts when you divorce. The only way you would incur them totally, is to seperate, but not divorce.

Don't let his addiction be an excuse....every addict remains an addict until THEY CHOOSE to get better. That does not give them the excuse to lie, cheat, or betray their spouse or children.

I don't blame you for being fed up. It's time to put your foot down. Quit worrying about him, and make a plan for you. Make a plan that is going to be best for you and your child now, and in the future. Then if he wants you to stay require him to go to counseling. One of the stipulations of you staying should be that you have 100% control of the families money until he can be trusted again with the money. This means he gets no checkbook, no atm card, no credit card. You give him money weekly. Assure him that every penny he would have spent on gambling will be either a. going toward bills that were unpaid or b. going into a savings account. If he's not willing....then carry through with your plan and move forward with your life.

And it's time to get your motivation back. It won't magically reappear....you have to make it be there. Pick yourself up and tell yourself every day that you're worth more than this and if you let this get you....it will get you.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 07-21-2010 06:02 PM

Your allowing his negativity to be your negativity, which is natural.

You've lived with this for a long time and off course it's going to drag you down if you let it.

You state, you love him but your not sure if he knows the true meaning of the word, you probably love what you wish you had, maybe what you did have before, but sometimes love can be mistaken by fear of the un-known, it's easier.

Attending Gamblers anonymous once and claiming to be cured, to only re-offend is off course denial... If he is serious about this, then he will attend and attend and attend...

Flirting with someone, owing them money, I can't see a woman handing over money unless there is something in it for her, and it's either a business decision, or something else. You state the text messages were flirty, so he's taking everything into distruction mode.

It's your house. It's your car. It's your future...

Do not... leave the house and go down a further spiral of negativity and pain... Alot of people have faced the worse, or close to it and have bounced back and succeeded.

Your throwing your life away by doing this... If he doesn't attend GA properly and change, then change the locks on the door and kick him out, because he doesn't want help if he doesn't.. He's happy to live in this excitement which is creating loss on all aspects of his life.

I agree with BD, get your motivation back, your strenght, why would you want to be dragged further down into destruction by someone else?

CW

**stressedwife** · 07-21-2010 06:24 PM

You guys are so right about allowing his negativity to become mine. Did not look at it that way b4. I need to find things to do to and places to go to make myself happy. He still goes out and parties even though he can't afford it, but he lives the lifestyle in the clubs. I am so sick of it. He is 39 and I am 33 and I go to work, school, home and look for my family sometimes. No there is no prenup..I bought everything b4 we got married and I have the better credit. I decided to leave him 3yrs ago and bought a second home and rehabbed it on my own and then we got back 2gether. He didn't know I was buying it until closing. Anyways it's a rental now and I have struggled to pay the mortgages b/c of the subprime interest rate on the rental. Anyway I got it modified and I am on track now. Not forgetting that he got tenants in the house and he has gambled that rental money too. I am getting a headache remembering all this. He ran up my credit card from 0 to $12,500 in 3days gambling with it (he was an authorized user at the time). Wow. It's been so much and it has not gotten much better. I have met with an attorney last year and spoke to him last month about my options. My husband refused to leave the house and the attorney said I can't make him unless the house is sold. I have tried everything to be a great wife (I have faults 2) but I feel it's one sided..and he is reaping all the benefits...God is the reason why I can find ways to keep us a float

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 07-21-2010 06:36 PM

My ex-husband and I are still not divorced but I'm still calling him my ex

I have just sold my Commercial property ( my investment ), I am a real estate agent... for the same reason perhaps you have to sell your home, and buy another one, after... for closure, to get rid of him.. He wasn't a gambler, (3 years now ) and I'm in the best relationship... but he was a user, used all my money, even the Commercial Property that I paid up to $5000 a month in mortgage repayments, nearly sent me broke, he wants some of the profit, huhum, there is none, seeing as I paid that amount monthly for three years.

I put $70k into his house, our holidays, whilst he claimed he was injured, couldn't work... Now he lectures earning $70k a year, funny about that huh and rides a motorbike with 5 disks gone in his back, ahha

So, see it for what it is.. Get tough. Get ready... Your wealth was and is yours not his, let him gamble, use women, sweet talk, just not to you..

CW