New to the site - Should I leave him?

**AloneInACrowd** · 08-04-2010 07:44 PM

Hi All,

Forgive me for such a deep question on the first try. But I need some other input.

I live with my "fiancee" (who is actually someone who is legally separated from his wife for the past ten years...never got a divorce because he "never thought he'd get married again"...WTH?). We have a son, 19 months.

When I met my fiancee, he pursued me for almost six months. I didn't want to date at the time, because I was recovering from a serious health event, and wasn't sure that dating was the right thing for me. I wasn't even sure I would live.

Well, needless to say, he won me over. Well, that's when the drama started.

Firstly, one night at dinner he asks me if I could handle the fact that he had kids. What he didn't tell me was the true nature of his marital status (he made it seem like the divorce was going to be handled within a year, that he was just waiting out the required amount of time before filing due to the kids). He also didn't tell me that babymama was psycho and that no matter what his responsibilities were, she expected much more than just child support....and that she wouldn't let him see the kids. He just asks me if I can handle the situation. I grew up in a blended family, I thought how hard could it be?

Then came the anger issues. This man would blow up if a fly hit his nose, but he stays perfectly calm with regards to ANYTHING that babymama throws at him. That has gotten on my nerves so much.

We had our son. Due to my health issues, the pregnancy was very complicated, I was terrified. I made the mistake of opening up to this man and showing him my fears and vulnerabilities. Now he makes me out to be this crazy person with such mood swings. Any time I do anything other than smile he goes, "what's wrong NOW", and has the nerve to tell the baby that if he doesn't behave "Daddy's going to have to hear about it". My beef with this man is that he does so little around this house. Right now I'm a stay-at-home-mom, but because my "fiancee" gets up at 4 to go to work and refuses to change his schedule, the dinner is supposed to be cooked, the house clean, and the baby running around happily so that Daddy can come home, drink his 2 40oz beers and watch TV all night.

We have had some serious fights. I'm tired of his negativity. I'm tired of his laziness. He gets ticked if he has to take out the trash more than once a week. He gets exasperated about bathing his own child. He cannot spoonfeed his own child. I do not leave the baby with him for longer than a few hours. I was in the hospital for a week, and even with daycare, he needed help to do what I do every day.

As it stands, he will not touch me, be tender with me, nothing. He says that if I'm with him I should not have another kid because "I can't handle it". Um, not completely by myself, like it has been for the last year and a half. He complains when I make him get up and change the baby's diaper in the middle of the night, he gets an attitude because I take my right to sleep in on the weekends (I sleep until nine or ten...and the man will nap all day after that).

He looks at porn but will not have sex with me. But wants me to believe that he loves me, and thinks I'm beautiful...I say BS to all of that.

I'm so completely worn down by this man's laziness, his attitude, his belief that he should not change, the drinking, the stubbornness, the laziness, did I mention the laziness? And you cannot mention anything to him about these things, or else there will be a fight. Do you know, he pitched a fit at a family gathering (my family) on the 4th of July, because of the fact that I had a run-in with one of his spoiled daughters (over the fact that she disrespected HIM), and told him that she's not allowed in my house until she apologizes to us both for the things she did (she's 15 and thinks she can shout down any adult...and her mother encourages her).

I feel like he stays with me and tells me what he thinks I want to hear, because he's afraid that I'll leave and he'll never see his son. He's so into having a son...who cares? It's a child, a responsibility! I want more children. I want a man who is a man, who is not lazy, who doesn't spend all his time drinking beer and watching TV, who will go to the children's birthday parties with me instead of staying home and sending me text messages about how he wishes he'd gone. I want to feel loved and treasured, not used.

The only reason I've stayed is because I have no money to leave and literally nowhere to go. But a job might be coming up soon.

"Fiancee" has talked about going to counseling. I want more than that. I want the freakin divorce done before the end of the year, I want him to stop drinking (his father was an alcoholic, but he doesn't think he has a problem). I want time to myself once a day, instead of the 14-hour days I've been enduring being a mom, managing our finances so he doesn't overdraft us out of a home with his beer purchases, and going to school full-time.

Is it even worth it?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 08-04-2010 11:03 PM

Your wants?

Put your foot down and tell him, this is not a shouting match, there is no arguement, it's this or it's over... Walk away with your child and let him think about it...

I can relate to the laziness, feeling used, no sex, and the professions of love... ex - husband.

Sounds as if he feels a need to control, be the boss, his way or bad luck.

Sounds to me that you don't have much to work with... and the only way is to hit him between the eyes of reality.. If that doesn't work you've done all you can, you can hold your head high and get on with your life and find someone that understands the word "togetherness", not just being a Father and then only at their call.

Sounds also that he does have a drinking problem, that, that solves everything for him, early morning rises. But, your not his slave to have food ready, child happy, you happy, the perfect little family when he gets home, he has to earn that..

CW

**AloneInACrowd** · 08-05-2010 07:19 AM

Hi CW,

Thank you for responding. I think there is a control issue. He always says that he's not going to change, he has so many well-meaning people around him who are trying to help him and get him to understand that his asenine qualities do not help anyone, not even himself. I have truly tried all that I can do to get through to him. I've done a lot of crying over this, I've gotten angry a few times. He blows my every emotion out of proportion, and will probably do it here to try to justify himself when I leave. But there are people who know what he's like. I'm just tired of the runaround.

I've felt like this for a while, I'm fighting to a marriage that I don't even want. I've fallen out of love with him due to the constant drama that I've had to endure. He even accused me of making him choose between myself and his daughters once. I've never done anything more than bend over backwards for those two, and the only time I've ever spoken up to them was when they disrespected their father.

The drinking is a HUGE issue. Looking back, there were so many red flags, but when he was living with his parents (I didn't mind this because when we started dating I was living with mine), they forbade him to drink. Apparently he's been screwing up his life for a long time, and essentially blaming others. I agree that babymama is crazy, but for a long time I've been wondering what it was that he did that made her feel she should look for love outside the home. They were both young, so she didn't get it that cheating is not ok. But I know to dissolve the relationship.

There's a positive development on the horizon, I may be getting a new job. Lucky for me, my mom processes security clearances and is working on mine. I hope I get the job, and the salary to pay for the expenses of being a single mom. I think I can do it. I want to do it. I'm just so tired of the drama and I want to be alone. "Fiancee" kept telling me that he was afraid that I would just leave one day, because I'm so independent. I told him that he had the power to keep me here.

I know I was an emotional wreck for half my pregnancy and the first year of my child's life. But all he did was sit by and watch after a while. Now he expects me to believe he loves me when he won't touch me but spends time looking at porn. And his complete inability to express how he feels just turns to anger and victimization. I'm tired of that. He's immature enough to get mad at me for not being able to hold a conversation with him at 5 am, before he leaves for work. And if he does want sex...he just sits next to me and expects me to read his mind, or he gropes and pinches me....this is NOT the person who wooed me. I don't know who this person is.

I just hope this job comes through. I'm getting a bank account at another institution, and I'm starting to save on the side, and look at apartments nearby for me and my son. I've had enough. My wishes and dreams are not important to this man, he just says they are to keep me here cleaning and cooking for him.

**AloneInACrowd** · 08-05-2010 07:33 AM

Yeah, I gotta go. He's so oblivious to his behavior and how it affects people. He just called me sounding all chipper (but he flounced out of the house this morning because I wouldn't sit up at 5am and talk to him), hollering about getting my mom to watch my son and going out to eat. I don't want to go anywhere with him. He noticed that I wasn't too keen on it and said, "gee, I was expecting another reaction out of you". I was like, whatever. He's insane. I don't know what's wrong with him, that he expects me to be jumping every time he decides he wants to be nice. I'm still reeling from all of the times he has not. I'm tired.