Desperate need of some advice, marriage struggling

**caligirl71** · 08-10-2010 04:45 PM

Been married for almost twenty years. Got married when we were 20, 22. My husband has been a smoker since 15. In April his health (being over wieght, eating habits, smoking etc ) landed him in the hospital!!! Had to stay the night etc. Promises were made to have a healthier life style, but no changes happened. July 1st cigs go up to 10.00 a pack, and again he promises to quit, this is ridiculous etc... (he says) says he knows he needs to.

Here it is Aug 10 and no changes at all. Why am I taking this so personel?? He doesnt care about what he looks like, if he is healthy or not. He doesnt man scape, I just feel like he doesnt give a about anything but work etc..

He thinks I will never leave so why do anything to make me happy. Right? Or the kids, my son wrote him a letter to beg him to stop and he didnt. I find it so sad that he is making us all feel this way. I feel resentment building and Im sad all the time.

Along with a move, that none of us wanted except him!!

Is this all my fault. Should I just accept him for him no matter what!!! Am I the one that is starting all the problems here??

Please tell me someone!!!

Caligirl

**sourpuss** · 08-10-2010 05:10 PM

Can you all sit down with him and have sort of an intervention? Either he takes his health and family seriously or you're gone? Beware that when ultimatums are given you have to be 100% ready to back them up.

**pretzel** · 08-11-2010 10:55 AM

Some things you can do for him, some you can't.

I'd ask him in what order does he want to attack this. You won't be able to do all of it at once. If it were me, I'd start with his weight and eating habits. That you can help him with. Chances are he's either type II diabetic or well on his way. That can be controlled and even reversed given the right diet and exercise. You can help him with that. He loses some weight that may give him the confidence to tackle the smoking issue. Believe me as a smoker who also needs to quit, it's not as easy as just saying I'm going to quit.

The tensions caused by the anticipated move are a whole different ballgame. Maybe the stress of this is causing some of the other health issues as a coping mechanism, I can't say but it's not out of the realm of possibilities. A calm intelligent conversation by everyone about the pros and cons of this move really is in order.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 08-11-2010 05:54 PM

I agree with Pretzel.

There is more than one issue and usually when someone eats to that extent "It's comfort food", depression.. The Doctors at the Hospital may have made comments but he needs a full proper check up and a bit of a scare and an understanding that it's "all right" there is actually a problem and together you will all work on it.

Comfort food - addiction to food
Cigarettes - addiction

He also may have an addictive personality.. Being "told" your fat, or "told" you have to give up, he will become rebelious, as that is what people with addictions do... They rebel.

Your going to have to stand by him. Tell him you love him and love him for who he is. Sorry if you have been pushy but it's because you love him... Hold him, shock him...

Then, google "comfort eating" and let him read up on it. You do the shopping yes? Change the entire way in which you shop and cook, it won't be easy but you do it as well, eat the same things... Sure he may go and buy a donut, or fried chicken when you can't see him but time is the issue, over time he will get used to it, feel a little better as he loses a little weight and see it's not all that bad. Go for a walk at night with him around the block. Ask him how his day was and try to get him to open up about what it is he's not happy in life with, or the stresses.

See maybe if the Doctor thinks he's depressed.

Don't tackel the smoking yet, that's a harder one. Work first with the stress, or depression and changing of the eating patterns and mostly, give him support.

CW

**Hopeless Dork** · 08-11-2010 09:13 PM

You can tell a person to diet, you can talk about quitting smoking, you can beg them... you can tell them if they don't lose weight they will die younger than necessary... but its going to fall on deaf ears. No one can diet, lose weight, stop smoking... etc, until a mental switch goes off in their head that makes them WANT to do it. No amount of willing will do it.

What you CAN do... is be supportive. Don't roll an eye everytime he eats a donut, that can make people become like children and just eat MORE donuts out of spite and not wanting to feel controlled. Instead, if you do the shopping, stop buying donuts

If you do the cooking, make low fat, low cal meals, buy healthy things, make healthy choices and he will likely jump on the boat, if he's hungry he'll eat whats in the house.

If your baking cakes, buying candy, and say oh its for the kids or this or that don't be surprised he eats them, its a temptation. You can't control what he eats or buys... but you can start being a shining example and having nothing but healthy stuff around. Suggest sushi instead of a fried chicken joint, etc... when you guys eat out. Go for walks and ask him to join you.

Take up bike riding in the cool evenings and ask him to come along for the company... just little things you can do to get him off his rear without him feeling like you are telling him to get healthy... instead live healthy and active and invite him on all your activites. Look up yummy recipes for healthy low fat/cal foods that he will enjoy.

Have everyone in the family participate in being more healthy, don't single him out. Ask your kids to not ask him to take them to mc donalds etc... ask them instead to ask to go to subway, etc.

Nobody wants to be told what to do, even if they know its whats best for them, so instead just make it a lil easier for him to make the right choices.