Should I leave him?

**Myself** · 08-12-2010 08:52 AM

Hi Everyone. Well, I'm back to start a new thread, and it's not a happy one. Some of you may remember my topic from a few months ago. I had found out that my husband was cheating with women that he met online. I got some really good feedback then, so here is another question for you all.

I found out that my husband was cheating with these women. He had set up a secret email account, was sending explicit messages and pictures back and forth with multiple women, and had spent a ton of money on dating sites. I confronted him, and got the "so sorry, won't happen again speech".

I have tried very hard to move on. As far as I can tell, the cheating has stopped. But, I still wonder. And I confess, that I am a little bitter. I have never, and would never even consider cheating.

My problem now is my husbands behavior. I feel like his mother instead of his wife. He is lazy, spoiled, and everything is always someone elses fault. I am a stay at home mom with our 16 month old daughter during the day. In the evenings, I work at a local farm, feeding the animals and training a young horse. I take our daughter with me to work because I don't have another option.

My husband gets up around 5am to go to work. He comes home anytime between 3 and 9 in the evening. When he gets home he demands an hour of absolute silence. Followed by a meal that he usually wastes. If I even suggest that he take out the garbage, or play with our daughter, he gets very angry. "he works all day long, he's tired, etc". Well, what about me?!

He won't lift a finger around the house, seldom spends time with our child, never touches me (but does watch porn regularly), and has managed to spend my entire life savings plus all of our income on things that are for HIM alone. Oh, and did I mention that he has plenty of energy and time and money to support his weight lifting hobby.

I am tired of this. Whenever I try to talk to him, he doesn't listen. It somehow becomes my fault. "I don't love him enough, I don't try hard enough, etc". I have tried. But I'm getting tired physically and mentally. It never used to be this way, but now when I think of him, I'm mostly angry and bitter. I wonder if I should just leave. But I don't know how I would make ends meet or where to go. Does anyone have an opinion?

**LanaBear** · 08-12-2010 09:01 AM

It sounds like he has mastered taking advantage of you. This isn't a marriage. He may be bitter that he got caught and this is how he is paying you back for his indiscretions.

If he is to the point where he is not listening and everything is your fault, I would strongly consider a separation, at the very least counseling. But I guess it boils down to, do you love him? When you think about him no longer in your life except for your daughter, are you relieved with that thought?

**pretzel** · 08-12-2010 09:25 AM

LB makes a good point. One of the questions I've always asked myself when things get really bad is "Am I a better person with or without them?" Obviously only you can answer this but in reality if you wanted to there are many avenues by which you can separate yourself from him to allow both of you the time needed to decide without each others influences whether or not to stay.

But be honest with yourself. Words are words. They're only as good as the actions that are attributed to them. He said he was sorry for his past indescretions but hasn't done anything positive to not only atone for them or to make positive changes for the future. Seems his "I'm sorry" words are pretty hollow, imo.

**Olympia** · 08-12-2010 09:43 AM

In agreement with previous posts..
I have made a list of good/bad points in the past and is it what would be best, or no.. And i understand you are not merely thinking of yourself. Your child is of the upmost importance.
But it sounds as if you are living alone... No communication/ no intimacy etc..... You state he apologized, and stopped the on line stuff. But, yet he does his best to
negate that.
It does not sound to me like he is sorry for his actions..
Words are just that.... It is the action afterwards that speak the loudest.

**sourpuss** · 08-12-2010 09:58 AM

I think if you're asking yourself the question, you already know the answer.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 08-12-2010 10:26 AM

What you're living is no life.

This is not an atmosphere to be a happy healthy you.

This is not an atmosphere in which to raise a happy healthy child.

Do you feel loved by him? Honored by him? Cherished by him?

What about this situation makes it a "marriage" other than a certificate of paper?

Think about these things. I think you already know the answer. I'm all about people doing everything they can to make a marriage work......but when one person is doing all the work, you will fail. And when one person doesn't even care enough about you or your marriage to TRY....then what exactly would you even be trying to save?

Feel for you hun. Tough life you're living....I hope that you can hold your head high and do what's right for you and your little one.

**sungoddesschelsy** · 08-12-2010 10:54 AM

Originally Posted by Myself

My problem now is my husbands behavior. I feel like his mother instead of his wife.
I take our daughter with me to work because I don't have another option.

My husband gets up around 5am to go to work. He comes home anytime between 3 and 9 in the evening. When he gets home he demands an hour of absolute silence. Followed by a meal that he usually wastes.

He won't lift a finger around the house, seldom spends time with our child, never touches me. Oh, and did I mention that he has plenty of energy and time and money to support his weight lifting hobby.

Feeling like his mother sounds about right to me... How can he justify spending his energy on weight lifting and not even have a shread of interest in his own flesh and blood? I can understand being tired after work... For 3 years I worked 2 jobs starting at 8am and ending at 10:30pm but i still wanted to be intimate with my SO

Has it been like this the whole marriage or just after the baby?

**PandaPaws** · 08-12-2010 06:31 PM

I think after he disrespected you so much to cheat with other women online (which unfortunately I can relate to), he should be being EXTRA NICE and attentive to you. Sounds like he did the opposite, and that is no good. So, he stopped cheating, which is great, but now he's being a jerk, that is not a turn for the positive. Seems backwards if he really wants to make this marriage work. He needs to be putting in some effort.