Fiance family drama - advice or guidance

**armystronglove** · 08-16-2010 02:52 AM

My fiance and I are due to be Married in December, he is currently deployed overseas and due to be home soon. We're both divorcees, he is in his 40s, and I'm in my early 30s.
Relationship wise, we're close to perfect. We get along great, we mesh well, we communicate, we have a lot in common with one another and even if we have a problem, we talk about them and work through them and we don't really fight. This relationship for me has been a breath of fresh air from my past abusive relationships and for him from what he has said, this has also been a breath of fresh air, his ex wife wasn't dedicated, she wasn't faithful, didn't respect him or treat him as he should be treated.
I know, you're waiting for the 'BUT'..
As you read, he is divorced, this divorce/marriage produced two children. His son is turning 22 in October, his daughter, just turned 18. The son is in College and thriving, he doesn't work and has an elite attitude but thats just the way he is. The daughter, is in High School, she was held back a year some time ago and will be graduating in the Spring of 2011. We pay child support on her.
The ex wife, besides being a cheating disrespectful using ....BLEEP!, is manipulative, having admitted trapping him into marrying her, she took this wayward attitude and behavior and raised their daughter.
Since the divorce, he had weekend visitations with the children a few times a month. The daughter was sort of a 'daddys girl', more than anything she was damaged from the divorce, and to date, she is still angry/bitter about it with the delusion that mommy/daddy will get back together. (Yes, she is 18 and still clinging to this dream)
The daughter, I met her a month after we began dating. We both knew things were getting serious and we were really happy together and both talking about the future. At first, things seemed great. We got along well, she and I spent time together, she confided in me and we bonded. When my fiancee announced we would be moving in together, 6 months later, things took a turn for the worse, it immediately became tense.
My fiance at this point hadn't had a SERIOUS relationship at all until I came along. She wants her 'daddy' to herself, alone, doesn't want anyone around, or taking time away from her. I made 'alone' time for them on several occasions, we only had weekend visitations a few weekends out of the month but, he felt upset because he felt like I should be included. We worked it out, he would her alone time in the mornings or evenings for dinner/shopping with his daughter while I stayed home to catch up on chores or work.
Things continued on for the last four years, with just her being hateful towards me and doing anything she can to get rid of me, making up stories, creating fights/arguments and just finding ways to stir drama and play the victim hoping that her dad would toss me to the side. She has been verbally abusive, outright hateful and caused me a lot of emotional pain.
We're getting married in December, last year I cut my ties with her after she had caused a huge scene with me and attacked me verbally. I couldn't deal with her drama on top of him just being deployed. One year later, we just found out she has been turning the family against him while he has been gone. The damage is quite serious, she has convinced everyone that I turned her father against her, and that I've somehow caused her some sort of emotional damage.
Keep in mind, she and I have had our disagreements but I have NEVER raised a hand at her, I've NEVER screamed at her, NEVER called her any names nor have I ever used any cusswords at her. I'm a christian woman, and I don't play those games. Although, she does. I've been called all sorts of horrible names over the last four years, extremely hurtful.
At this point, she asked her father to pick me or her. I was FLOORED when she said this, I just can't believe it. He KNOWS how she is, we have confronted her DOZENS of times, he has said that I am a permanent fixture, he is marrying me, I'm not going anywhere. He sticks up for me, for himself and he has told her and her brother they need to accept me, they need to move forward and nothing is going to change us or our relationship. We're happy, we're adults and he has the right to be happy, choose who he wants to be with and love whoever he chooses to love. NONE of this has made a difference.
I just don't know what to do, part of me wants to just pack up and run. I love him with all my heart. I would NEVER ask him to choose me over his daughter, but he has chosen me without me asking since she made her demand known. I don't want that, but I understand that he can't keep babying her. I don't want his family against us.
His mother and his daughter and that side of the family has been horrible to me, they don't know me, they've never taken the time to talk to me or get to know me. I've inserted myself at reunions and functions trying to connect and get to know people. Unfortunately, the daughter goes into these manipulative crying fits and everyone believes anything that comes out of her mouth. I'm not even given a chance to defend myself or speak for myself.
In some ways I feel like this is doomed for failure marrying him if this is going to keep going. We've discussed enrolling in counseling in our church, to get a third party involved, new perspective and prayer, maybe we can find a way to get some sort of closure and move forward with our lives. I feel we need to cut the apron strings with the daughter, she is 18 and the best we can do is just avoid her and hope down the road she will change, grow up and realize what she has done. If she changes and wakes up, we'll be waiting with open arms. If we don't, the consequences could be disasterous. If she keeps this up, we're just going to keep on having these intense discussions about her, and what she says and does and her next dramatic fit and keep stressing ourselves out and head for a divorce before we even get married.
Thoughts? perspective?
Thank you,

God bless

PS please forgive my horrendous spelling and grammer

**pretzel** · 08-16-2010 07:11 AM

I know where you're coming from. My situation with my daughter when her mom and I divorced and after my current wife met the situation you described sounded pretty familiar. Ages of the kids are also about the same.

The hardest part is obviously having your fiance overseas. That's unfortunately putting pressure on you and him that neither of you need.

From what I've read, I think what you've done so far and the counseling whether it's thruogh the church or other avenues is the right thing to do. They may have ideas that we don't. But from my own perspective is that you're husband is right no matter how difficult and painful for him and you and that it's time for her to start being an adult and realizing that she doesn't always get what she wants no matter how much of a tantrum (which it is) she throws and no matter how difficult she wants to make your lives.

There really is no easy solution when all the parties involved don't participate. What it does sound like is that whether or not she likes it, your fiance has made his choice for this moment. It's real easy to just give in when things aren't going the way we want them to. Sometimes the hardest choices are the best choices. I think your fiance hopes that at some point his daughter will see that he's happy with you and that happiness is flowing to her as well.

**armystronglove** · 08-16-2010 05:39 PM

Originally Posted by pretzel

I know where you're coming from. My situation with my daughter when her mom and I divorced and after my current wife met the situation you described sounded pretty familiar. Ages of the kids are also about the same.

The hardest part is obviously having your fiance overseas. That's unfortunately putting pressure on you and him that neither of you need.

From what I've read, I think what you've done so far and the counseling whether it's thruogh the church or other avenues is the right thing to do. They may have ideas that we don't. But from my own perspective is that you're husband is right no matter how difficult and painful for him and you and that it's time for her to start being an adult and realizing that she doesn't always get what she wants no matter how much of a tantrum (which it is) she throws and no matter how difficult she wants to make your lives.

There really is no easy solution when all the parties involved don't participate. What it does sound like is that whether or not she likes it, your fiance has made his choice for this moment. It's real easy to just give in when things aren't going the way we want them to. Sometimes the hardest choices are the best choices. I think your fiance hopes that at some point his daughter will see that he's happy with you and that happiness is flowing to her as well.

Thanks for your response to my post.
I definitely am trying to understand my fiances decision and respect it. I know how important family is to him, which is why I've been so pushy with him to get him to call people, keep in touch, visit and make time.
Just a harsh reality realizing the daughter may not be a part of this big picture anymore. I've done all I can at this point to make this work and to fix things. Theres a point where you end up in a boat with too many holes in it and after a while you lose the resources to patch the holes and bailing out water gets too exhausting.

I'm going to pray, and hope that the in church counseling gives up some closure and perspective when he gets home from overseas. In the meanwhile, I'm going to start saving up money just in case I need to just bail. It sounds horrible, but I don't want to end up blindsided. I've been abused by his family for four years and honestly I'm at the end of my rope.

I fear the only way to save our marriage is to move away.

It does make me feel better being able to search online and know others are in the same situation or have been through it, as much as I'd hate for anyone to be in my shoes. Teenagers are fickle, but there is definitely a point when it's overboard and too much is just too much. Especially when they're grown!