Inappropriate texting, do I leave?

**Jasmine_79** · 08-16-2010 02:01 PM

*Mod moved to own thread*

I am new to this....I found it searching the topic. I am confused and not sure what to do....maybe some of you could offer advise..

I am engaged, and have been for roughly one year. I thought he was the perfect man for me. In the beginning we decided to just be friends, I was not ready and neither was he. We were intimate but kept it as non-official for six months. I was falling head over heels for him. I always asked from the beginning that all I care about is the truth. Well before we were official he admitted to sleeping with two women, while we were "just friends" - I was hurt but he kept saying we were not together and he would never do anything once we were. Well we started officially being in a relationship and I saw that he was acting weird sometimes while texting. One night I saw the phone in the bathroom, and just looked, I needed to know why he was acting weird. I confirmed my suspicions. He had been texting someone pics of him, and he was receiving pics. I wanted to break it off then and there. He promised and begged me to stay. He promised it would never happen again. We decided to go ahead a give it a try, and he asked me to marry him. We recently got new phones, and he put a code on it. It bothered me. Well, the other night he retired to the bedroom earlier than I, when I went in the room he was still up and I asked if he had been playing blackjack for the last hour, he said no. I asked well who were you talking to, when he did not answer, I knew. I tried to grab the phone and he really did not want me to see...but I did, there it was her breasts in one pic and worse in the other......

I want to just leave, he broke the trust I was already trying to rebuild. He was crying begging and pleading....I have since moved my engagement ring to the other hand. I am so confused. It was not the same woman, he said he met her through the app Cheers online. Seriously, how do you give your phone number to a complete stranger. I hate him, when I think of it, it disgusts me. I feel degraded and hurt beyond belief. I want to just walk away....he is begging for one more chance, saying he will spend the rest of his life proving it to me. He already changed his cell phone number, he says he is going to delete his profile online......I just dont know. I am not sure I want to give him another chance. I love him, but I never want to feel this again. After seeing and reading all of these post I am hoping that someone can please help. I need advise and I have no one to talk to....its painful. I want to say I can go on and try...but if I were to be honest to him and myself (and I have told him this) I really know that this is going to effect me for quite some time. The trust is gone, and I will hold it against him. He says he doesnt care and he will do anything not to lose me, that he cant and does not want to be without me in his life. Help............

**LanaBear** · 08-16-2010 02:16 PM

Has he said why? Why did he feel the need to do this? Does he feel that something is missing in his relationship with you?

It's a tough situation and I feel for you. What about taking a break for a while? Moving out and going back to the basics. However, you need to figure out if you even want to give it another shot. This is your call to make, no one else's, you have all the control in the relationship right now. We can forgive all we want, but we can rarely forget, that's where it gets tough. You will now be questioning his every move and more or less become the overprotective parent instead of the loving fiance and future wife. Would it be like that forever? Maybe, maybe not. It is possible to move on, it can be done, but the two of you together need to want it and he needs to work on it.

Hugs!

**stressed** · 08-16-2010 02:34 PM

He has to tell you why he did this, what is he missing and why does he continue to do so after he already promised to stop once.

It might be a form of interactive porn to him and he truly does believe that he's doing nothing wrong, just having fun (not that you are supposed to accept that anyway). He needs to explain why he does what he does and give you many valid reasons as to why he would stop this. Stopping it because he wants you to stay is not a valid reason, because he does it even if he has you there with him and claims he wants to marry you.

If you want to stay then you have to work a lot with him on this and make him understand that he does not need this, that it hurts you, that marriage and other women don't go hand in hand. That he has to make a choice.

Taking a break is the best solution right now, you need to clear your head and give him time alone to think about his priorities. To see what he would miss more, you or them.

Yes, it would be painful to break up for a while but it always goes away. Staying with someone who hurts you for the rest of your life is more harmful than 3 months of pain over a relationship.

Take a break.

**Jasmine_79** · 08-16-2010 02:40 PM

Thank you both. I have suggested taking a break and he freaked out and does not want to leave and does not want me to leave. We live together and were starting to build our life together.

I keep asking why? The only reason he gives is that he is a stupid idiot, well we know that (jk), but seriously I need a better answer. I will be asking the questions you both suggest. I also need to know. I asked him to make a list of all the reasons he wants to marry me....lets see what that says.

I hope to hear from more of you, I really to appreciate all the responses.

**Hopeless Dork** · 08-16-2010 04:28 PM

The why is important. If he doesn't know why he did it, and promised to stop... then did it again.... then there is nothing that is going to even come close to preventing it from happening again a 3rd or 4th or 5th time in the future. There was no consequences the first time it happened. You got mad, then agreed to marry him. He never had to truly deal with what he did or better try to understand why he did it.

Maybe he thought getting engaged would MAKE him faithful... doesn't work that way. Some people will rush into marriage thinking it will be the thing that keeps them on the straight and narrow. If they have it in their character to lie, to constantly seek out attention and affection from new people... nothings going to change that until one, they realize why they need that and 2... they truly want to stop, have figured out what void they are filling with it... and finding another way to fill it.

I'm so sorry for your situation. I know how hurt you must be. He had a profile to meet women. He was receiving/sending naughty explicit pics with real women (or some dude goofing around-- its the internet, afterall) but he was doing that... in your bed, an engaged man, his wife to be downstairs. After having already promised to stop.

I know its hard when someone is begging forgiveness, especially the one you love, to deny them that, because you WANT , you want so bad to believe their words, to believe they really wont do it again... but what is going to make you believe he means it anymore now then he did the last time he said it?

If I were you. I would stop the wedding plans immediately. There should be consequences this time, I'm not saying or advising you to leave this man if in your heart you think he will change... but I am saying I would stop picking out napkin holders etc for the big day and call the whole thing off. He has to decide if he will be happy spending the rest of his life with ONE woman... he can't even make it through the engagement with one woman's attention, how are you to trust that after a year of marriage he wont go from talking about cheating... to cheating physically.

Don't wait until you are 3 kids and mortgage deep with this man before taking off the rosy colored glasses and looking at what you have in him, what you REALLY have, not what you hope to have, not what you use to have... but what you have right now. And what you have right now is a man that will lie and disrespect you, that isn't considerate of your feelings and doesn't take your commitment to each other as seriously as you do.

So do try to work this out with him if thats what you really want.... but do hold off on marriage plans until he is willing to open up to you on what he feels is missing in his life that he needs to meet random women on his phone... because if doesn't know, whats to stop him. Let this open the lines of communication on both of your overall happiness in everything from affection, to bills sharing, to sex. If he is happy with the rate of sex you guys have, the type of sex, and you be open about what you love and what you want more of to feel happy and loved.

Most women need to feel special to thrive in a committed relationship and what he is doing is robbing of you that, leaving you insecure and emotionally burnt. Its unfair and its not how you want to live out the rest of your happilly married years. So fix this first before going head with that.

**stressed** · 08-17-2010 05:37 AM

HD is right. It has to have consequences this time, the wedding must wait. He needs more time to know whether he can be happy with one woman or if he will always seek attention somewhere else. There may have to be changes in your sex life, your communication, your lifestyle, but you both have to discuss this openly and seriously. "I am leaving" / "But I want you to stay" is no discussion. It doesn't spot the the problem and definitely doesn't solve it. If you marry with this situation there is a great risk that things will get worse.

The answer "I'm an idiot for doing it" is no answer, but he might give that because he's embarrassed about telling you why, or because he's always been doing it and cannot remember how it started, he could be doing it out of boredom, or he wants something sexual he does not get in the relationship. But you will never know unless he tells you and this is something you cannot assume.

He won't change if he always makes you stay, claims he won't do it again, until he is comfortable about it and goes back to his old habit. He must understand that this is not the life you want. If he truly loves you he won't want you to be unhappy and will at least make an effort.

**WildChild** · 08-17-2010 07:52 AM

This story sounds so familiar, back in my youth it wasn't texting, internet or sell phones, it was letters and phone calls but the same behavior. Mine threatened suicide if I called off the wedding after I caught him writing passionate letters to an ex. I dealt with several infidelities and his regular emotional and physical involvement with other women. I'm sorry but HD is right, there must be consequences. Call off the wedding, move out and give him a time line to sort himself out. He isn't ready for a one year commitment, let alone one for a lifetime.

**rhiannon34** · 08-17-2010 08:53 AM

I certainly can't tell you what you should do, but I can't help but think first, if he was capable of ending these online affairs, and the sexting, why didn't he the first time he was caught? Second, if he would do anything to keep you and never wants to loose you, then why was he risking the relationship to begin with? Don't stay to hold on to the relationship you had with him, because it won't be the same now. Screw me once, shame on you. Screw me twice, shame on me.

**PandaPaws** · 08-27-2010 05:55 PM

Originally Posted by rhiannon34

I certainly can't tell you what you should do, but I can't help but think first, if he was capable of ending these online affairs, and the sexting, why didn't he the first time he was caught? Second, if he would do anything to keep you and never wants to loose you, then why was he risking the relationship to begin with? Don't stay to hold on to the relationship you had with him, because it won't be the same now. Screw me once, shame on you. Screw me twice, shame on me.

(bold is my emphasis)
I agree with this. It should only have taken one time to be caught (well, not that that is even acceptable...). BUT, it there is no excuse for this happening a second time. If this guy truly loves and respects you, he wouldn't have done this. I don't know, I can't tell you to leave, and yes I agree that you need to figure out the WHY and also the HOW is it going to be different NOW? and HOW can you TRUST him, ever? I mean can you walk down the aisle with this guy with just a "I promise, again, I really won't do it again"?

This totally stinks. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. Best of luck to you.

**hizenberg** · 08-28-2010 08:03 AM

You can either stay,endure the long road back to trusting him and being hurt,But it all boils down to is do you want to take the risk of trusting him again?Maybe he wont do it again and your relationship will be even better?
Somtimes all we need in life to change our ways is for someone to believe in us.It must be so hard for you right now and i couldnt imagine how hurt you feel by his actions.To make your decision,Listen to your gut.