Old emotional affair girl wants to return.

**stressed** · 08-22-2010 04:57 PM

It's a very complicated story, which was the main reason that led me to join this forum. In short: My SO had a crush on a girl he met on the internet (he met us both offline once, after he had the crush on her) but she always turned him down. I got interested in him so after the meeting we started a distance relationship for 2 years, with me visiting him twice a year. When I first moved in with him (to another country) he still had a crush on that girl, he always denied it but he never ended contact and lied to me about her. I fought for the relationship anyway. One day, 5 months of me living with him, he got very drunk, hit me, I left, and chatted with her, telling her he was with me because he couldn't be with her, that she is his soulmate, that he wakes up with thoughts of her in his mind, that he's not in love with me etc.

He blamed this on being drunk and presumably never talked to her since (Nov. 08'), although I know he might have tried to once, a couple of weeks after the incident. I gave him a choice, told him he can be with her if he wanted to but I wanted him to be honest and so on. He said he wanted me and he was just drunk. After A LOT of work, I rebuilt my trust on the subject, he never gave me a reason to doubt otherwise and I talked with the girl a few times to clear the subject. She said she doesn't want him and that he was just drunk and stuck to the past.

Now we come to a week ago.

This is the message she sent him to his facebook (with all the spelling errors she wrote):

"hi (name), i hope you are well. i'd really like to talk to you at some point. over the phone on ur own if possible. if you meant the mails you sent, its important. if you can't or don't want to, i'll understand take care."

She also sent him an email two hours later:

"hey (name), i sent you a msg on ur facebook as well, i'd like to talk to you at some point if thats ok. let me know if u like, be safe".

So, my first question is: What would YOU make out of such a message, even if no past was involved?

Secondly, he didn't show me these messages, they are in his recycle bin. I found them by accident, they were sent a week ago.

Thirdly, I sent this person a very nasty, but reasonable, e-mail, because I have had enough of her. It is not the first time she tries something like this. I am prepared for war.

I don't believe he has contact with her, not recently at least. But what she said about "if you meant the emails you sent" stings. How is it possible that she suddenly remembered emails from nearly 2 years ago, which were not even emails but a drunken chat.

Just tell me what you think about this, your opinions will help me clear my thoughts.
Thank you in advance.

**stressed** · 08-22-2010 05:15 PM

Wow, and here's her reply to me:

"You reach many wrong conclusions. But that doesn't bother me. And I've always known that. This time I take full responsibility. Yes, I would like us to discuss something that involves both of us and I would just like it to be clear. People change. What happened now doesn't mean that I lied to you about it before. And I could prove it to you, but there's no point to it. If you want to trust me in one last thing it would be that this time it was all my responsibility and I had no encouragement. And, basically, you don't have to trust me but (name). He didn't do anything. And that was a way of sorting things out."

My reply was that she should find somebody else to... have sex with (in different words) and that it would do her good...

**Mes T** · 08-22-2010 05:47 PM

I don't know, I definitely don't like this but at the same time think that it should be resolved with those two, and you shouldn't be so directly involved. The fact that they were in the trash (were they replied to??) tells me that your man took one look at those messages and without a second thought regarded them as garbage that doesn't deserve his attention.

**stressed** · 08-22-2010 06:01 PM

After the "incident" I told him to have a talk with her to straighten things out, so she won't think that he meant what he said. He didn't dare to do that, either because he half meant them at the time and wanted to keep his options open, or because he was too scared to face her.

But I can't just stand there and be passive to this, or let them "solve it" two years later, when I'm engaged to him. He told me it means nothing to him, it's in the past, that he didn't know how to bring it up, that he had been thinking at work about how to tell me this.

What if he won't talk to her at all and she sends another message again? I don't like having to go through this every 2 years, just because she's lonely or horny.

**Hopeless Dork** · 08-22-2010 06:09 PM

Oouch... she is hard to understand... is english not her first language? Maybe she is not so much cryptic, but just doesn't have a good grasp on sentence structure? Girls like her, ahhh... I know em', I have em' as friends. They have guys that were head over heels for them that they wanted nothing to do with... they hit a dry spell, or some guy bruises their ego and they search like mad to find some guy out there that thinks they are awesome to get their head back to its normal inflated state. They could careless about the chaos involved... they will break up relationships, get their fill of "i'm so awesome" and move on leaving everythign in a mess.

The guys that fall for it... are pretty weak and so hopefully your man saw right through it , which is why it ended up in the delete bin. She likely posted on his page as a last resort to get him to contact her. If he ignored her messages she probably knew one way or another he or you would contact her if she posted her jibberish to his page.

On your birthday, no less. What a selfish female dog. Seriously. I know you want to probably be upset with your guy right now, being reminded of the past and the hurt that was wrapped up in this girl... but his only fault right now is having her as a friend... why would he do that? Or is his page public?

It sounds like she wanted som attention, and she got it... not from who she wanted though. I don't like it. I don't like what he said to her when he was drunk, I don't like that she has access to write on his wall. I don't like that he didn't mention to you that she attempted to make contact... but I understand the last part. If it meant nothing to him he probably didn't feel the need to rub your nose in the past to tell you she sent an email.

Do not stick your neck out fighting for this man if he is not making his intentions clear. I know you love him but if he has muddy waters where his feelings are concerned with this chick... you need to step back and let him make them clear. Crystal clear. To you, and to her. With all the hurt his contact with her caused in the past he has no business continuing communicating with her.

If he hasn't been, then you shouldn't be upset really, I mean you can be upset ... obviously... but what I mean is you shouldn't hold him accountable for her actions, only his response to them.

**stressed** · 08-22-2010 06:26 PM

A few things about the girl: She's a year older than me, overweight (no offense to overweight women, but she weighs 100kgs, I weigh 47, I mention it to show the difference) English is not her native language but she has studied it enough to be able to teach it (I have studied the same thing and you can see the difference), very insecure about her looks but she types like she does to look "cool".

When my SO had the crush on her he was very lonely and compassionate towards her due to her insecurities. They spent hundreds of hours chatting/talking on the phone, he told her many times that he was interested but she ALWAYS said no. Both to me and to him. They were just friends, according to her, and I was the "paranoid" one thinking there was something more. The controlling one etc. Hah!

She sent this as a PM to him, but his PM's arrive to his mailbox, along with all the notifications he gets. She didn't post anything in public but she knew the last name so he was easy to find. She also has his email address. The reason why I saw this message was that before he went to work he asked me to switch programs on his computer (he wanted to have a game on, instead of the desktop) but the game wasn't responding so he told me to start it myself. He never behaves like that unless he feels uncomfortable about something on his computer, plus he's been rarely checking his emails this week (I have this "curse" of noticing every little detail a person does, so I found it suspicious and as I tried to switch program on the desktop I checked his deleted emails).

After her reply I'm convinced that they haven't talked since. He's been a different person since then and he seems happy with me. Even if she'd show up naked at our door I trust that he'd stay with me. I do trust him. But it's like you said, that whenever she shows up all the pain comes back too, all the words, all the arguments, all this work we've both been doing. I don't think it affects him as much as it affects me, but we will talk about it tomorrow.

But I did ask him why he kept it in the recycle bin and if he wasn't worried that I'd see it. He said he couldn't decide what to do, or how to tell me, but he didn't reply to her. I do believe that, but it still hurts that he didn't tell me.

I want him to change phone number and ISP, I don't want her to get into another similar mood again. Like I told him, if I'm pregnant in two years and she sends such a message again I will go crazy. Just because she thinks "people change" doesn't give her the right to get involved with unavailable men, regardless of the past. Jesus, the nerve of some women...

**Mes T** · 08-22-2010 06:27 PM

I agree with HD, I guess one of the only options here is to have your man stand up for himself and for his relationship with you... so that there's no question from anyone...!! And if he can't do that... you might need to do something drastic, like move out, just to show him that you won't stand for this sort of thing.

Jeez I'm really sorry you're made to feel like this, I too would be pretty upset.

**stressed** · 08-22-2010 06:30 PM

Should I tell him to send her an email and sort this out once and for all, or let it be and hope she will never do that again?

I don't know what's best...

**Mes T** · 08-22-2010 06:42 PM

Ahhh reminds me of my own situation a little while back, where I decided NOT to make him send an email...

But this situation is different, it's a girl who is (pretty much) clearly interested in an inappropriate way in your fiance. I think there are two options. One is to ignore her (nothing gets the message across more than complete indifference), and the other is to yes send her that email and CC you on it. But it has to be CRYSTAL CLEAR, and FIRM, no Mr. Nice Guy!

When will you talk to him about what to do?