Need advice: enduring a loveless relationship

**kake** · 08-26-2010 12:09 PM

rdrs digest hx: 5y live in relationship, love him, recently "intuited" love not returned. Reason for staying: his 13yo son, I'm the only Mom he knows, his bio mom is emotionally abusive--deadbeat. For all intents and purposes, he's my son. My kids 18 and 16, are fine for the most part, somewhat aware, but not overly affected. Not happy about us staying b/c of me not being happy. If I leave, which I have no fear of, afraid of damage to his son.
Just trying to deal with being lonely...infidelity not an option (1, I always get caught breaking rules and 2 I wouldn't like myself...bottom line, not worth it).
I still love him, not sure or care why--it just is.
Trying to get involved more in outside interests without him--doesn't seem to bother him anyway.
I just wish I could turn off the pain...somedays, if J's not there, I don't want to go home, it just hurts too much.
Just finding it harder and harder to fake it. Could be midlife crisis of keeping it real--idk, I just don't want to feel like this anymore.
This is not something I've been through before, I guess because I was too young to understand how bad it hurts kids and I've always just left. Not serially, just walked away from toxic relationships twice. In retrospect, both were bad judgements on my part and I've already paid dearly for it. So, not a case of being afraid to leave or be on my own. I just want to get out from under this cloud and stop this whole emotional yuckiness from me being the best mom I can be.

any and all advice welcome

btw---no addictions, abuse involved and as far as I know no infidelity.

yes, this is 2010, this is not part of a 50's housewives diary

**LanaBear** · 08-26-2010 12:14 PM

You say recently, love has not been returned. So, I'm assuming things were fine until recently? Have you talked to him about why the change in attitude toward the relationship?

**caterpillar79** · 08-26-2010 12:55 PM

Have you communicated to him your needs? Please elaborate about what he does and does not do which is causing you to feel like you do now.

**kake** · 08-26-2010 08:04 PM

yes, I have talked to him about it.....he just doesn't say anything other than why do I feel this way.

It's always been his nature to not be affectionate, and it's always been an issue. So that's been discussed numerous times and I'v just asked that he try compromise a little by just holding my hand when we're in the car, or even just hugging me once in awhile.

And ofcourse, he was very affectionate until the novelty wore off (stupid me). In the beginning we were both very practical about the future of our relationship: that it would have it's ups and downs, but that as long as we communicate and respect each other, we promised to work things out.
I think what bothers me the most, is that he doesn't even talk to me unless it's absolutely necessary. It's like we're room mates instead of lovers. He avoids coming to bed until he knows I'm asleep (he started working out at home b/c of his cholesteral and health reasons).
He admits that things aren't as good as they could be, but that's it. He doesn't make any effort. I try to talk to him about his day, how J's doing in Karate, any questions I ask I get short one answer responses. If I say anything about that, he does the whole "what?" thing. We hve a great partnership with finances and managing a family. I just feel so neglected If I leave, I always kiss him goodbye and hello when I come back. I massage his shoulders when he seems really stressed or massage his feet on the off chance he's in bed watching tv. I do subscribe to the theory that when something's not right, look at what you're doing or not doing before you blame the other person. I feel resigned that this is just how it's going to be, I'm just having trouble accepting the lack of love and yes, I do feel trapped. I guess I need to read a book on how to reignite something in him. I've tried, but no luck, so maybe a book will have some ideas I hadn't thought of

thansk

**evergreenstella** · 09-05-2010 01:35 AM

Hi
Sounds like my life.
We were great (34 yrs) until 2 yrs ago and eveything about our marriage is going down hill fast.
No abuse, drugs, or infidelity, just nothing shared. Its like Hi I'm still here..
No emotional involvement, no talking, no sharing. Where did the joy go? You go
thru the day but feel bad most of the time. How to change the unchangable when you are
sincerely making an effort. Ive tried advice, counseling, books..nothing will help as he wont engage.
No answers to small talk. Nothing. And boy don't question about what's up..in our house
that gets an angry response and even longer silences. My friends tell me I'm a door mat and to go get
a life but a life with him is what I want. I do understand but soory don't have an answer.
Karen

**jns** · 09-05-2010 08:17 AM

Kake and Karen, has anything changed about your appearances from weight to how you dress to make-up to idk? Have your husbands changed? How about your sex lives? Are you both the lovers that started your relationships? Are your husbands?

**WildChild** · 09-05-2010 08:51 AM

5 years is a while, but not all that long. I suggest you start changing things up. At the very least it will do you some good. Are you employed? Are your finances combined? ( a really bad idea if you aren't married and often even if you are). Do either or both of you have insurance? Starting with a complete physical would be a good starting point for both of you. Does he have any performance concerns or issues? Those can shut a man down. You say he's never been very demonstrative, has he fallen into a rut or is he really pretty much as he always was?

You might give good old John Gray a read, he does have some good communication info. I've dealt with this and the best I can tell you is that all you can control is you. So get yourself out and about in the world, find make things fun for yourself, if he wants to join in fine, if not have some fun without him. Work on communicating. let him know in no uncertain terms (guys really don't do hints) what you need, if he can't perk up and start delivering you may have to walk. If you are determined to sitck it out until the 13 yr old graduates then start creating your own enjoyable life for yourself and the kids. When the time comes you can disconnected without too much truama.

**Joy** · 09-05-2010 08:39 PM

I think it is great that you are out doing things on your own. If he doesn't want to participate in life with you - then no reason you should sit on the side lines. If this doesn crumble then you already have a life established outside it won't be difficult. Sometimes we don't cherish the people that make our life a lil brighter we take them for granted. He may be dealing with aging and his own life issuse's about accomplishment and so self involved he doesn't notice how lonely you are. Keep moving forward do things that make you shine

good luck