Am I overprotective?

**stressed** · 09-06-2010 11:26 AM

Here's a few of the things that have happened to my SO:

- Workmates have been pinching him at work, causing purple marks, but he never told them off. They only stopped once he told them I was getting upset about it and that if they'd continue I'd send them an angry text.

- When he feels cold/ill/needs something he asks for my help and does nothing about it himself. He'd rather stay cold than get dressed, and he'd rather make me feel sorry for him, or as if I am oversensitive about things than take care of himself. It's like "look at me, I am suffering, but I am strong enough to manage, yet if you do something for me I'd appreciate it".

- He lets people talk to him anyway they want but when we get home he complains about them. If I try to take his side and say how wrong they were then he says that they didn't mean it, I shouldn't be so protective.

- He's had asthma for over a year now, complains how difficult it makes it for him, yet up until recently he hasn't been taking his medicine (which is a simple inhalation device). He started only after the last argument we've had about him not taking care of himself and me having to remind him to take it. He also can sit out in the rain for over an hour playing with dogs or football, without realizing that it's bad for his health. He also smokes, even if he knows it's bad for asthma.

- He has occasional back-pains but he would lift anything if somebody asked him to. He says "it's okay", but a couple of hours later he nags about having a back-pain and that he'd like a massage.

- Last weekend he had some sort of symptom, where he needed to drink something warm and his vision was distorted. I had to drive to a gas station to get him something sweet to eat and had to take care of him at home. He got that symptom after playing with the dogs for an hour and he has had it before.

- TODAY he fell with his bike on his way to work and e-mailed me to ask if I could wait for him outside to help him carry the bike to the basement as he has pain in his arm. I asked if he wanted me to pick him up from work but he said that the guys would laugh, so, no.

There's more but I can't think of anything at the moment.

Am I overprotective, as he claims, or am I just fed up with all the health issues? Because I do feel fed up with them. It's not that he has them, it's that I have to be the nurse and the psychologist while he pretends to be "cool" about them to everyone else. I'm tired of behaving like a nurse and I'm tired of feeling that he's a child who cannot take care of his own self at 37 years of age. There's always something health-related every week with him and I need to do the nursing every single time. He's supposed to be able to take care of himself, not need me to do it instead. I'm fed up!

**stressed** · 09-06-2010 11:43 AM

Now that I remembered more:

- His nephew has hit him with a football twice, once because the nephew thought it was fun, but he didn't complain about it. He just told me it happened and then complained that I shouldn't be bothered by it. If it didn't matter then why tell me about it? To congratulate him?

- He shows me scratches he gets at work, by working with machines. Some times they are big and require ban-aid, but he won't put one on himself, just shows it to me and expect me not to react.

- He tells me how he almost fell from a very high ladder, or how he almost cut his hand. Does he expect a medal for it? It only tells me that he's not careful enough.

- He also tells about inhaling huge amounts of dust at work, yet he doesn't protect his face at work when he should.

I could add more to this list if I think about it. I think he just likes the attention.

**jns** · 09-06-2010 01:56 PM

Has he always been this way or has he been getting worse? He seems to look at you as mommy and he a little boy.

**Hopeless Dork** · 09-06-2010 02:18 PM

I think its normal to want to care for the one you love when they feel bad, to want to comfort them. When my boyfriend has had a rough day, shoulders aching... I LOVE rubbing his neck and back and making him feel better. When he is sick, keeping him warm and pushing fluids on him and taking care of him comes second nature to me... and I think most women share that nurturing character trait..

But where it leans in to over protection mode is getting involved with his beefs at work. You can encourage him to stand up for himself but it should really stop there, threatning to call them up or to take up for him in any way -- is going to come off very overprotective. He is a man afterall, and though we all know men can be big babies when they are sick or injured... they are still men, and part of what they are raised with in 'being a man' is settling their own scores and not having their mom show up at the school and tell the teacher about the bully... etc..

Its understandable that you are concerned for him, and just instinctively want to stand up for him... but there is a difference between standing up for your guy as in when someones talking him down and taking over and making it seem like he can't do that for himself.

I think caring for him when he's down and out is not overprotective, but that gettting in between his battles at work is probably over steppping the bounds.

**stressed** · 09-07-2010 05:19 AM

It was he who told the guys then that I'd text them, I didn't interfere at all actually. I told him to tell them off but he said "what do you want me to do?" instead.

I have a worse problem with him telling me he has some sort of health problem every week and expect me to take care of him every single time, whether it's a scratch or cough. I love taking care of him but I think he over-does it with asking for help. It's like, if I get a burn in the kitchen by frying oil (which has happened a couple of times) I won't go to him and cry about it, I won't even mention it. But if he feels any kind of discomfort he will tell me about it right away and ask me to do something about it. If he wants to be a "man" he should be able to take things like a "man" as well...

**pretzel** · 09-07-2010 06:33 AM

In a sense, yeah I'd say you're being overprotective and not necessarily in a good way either, sorry.

From all the things you've written about him, he's a mamma's boy who more than likely hasn't had to do much for himself his entire life. There's many life lessons he hasn't learned one of them being able to take care of oneself.

**stressed** · 09-07-2010 07:07 AM

He gets annoyed when I ignore him and claims I don't care. When I do care he calls me protective.

It's hard to explain, but it's like he doesn't leave me alone with his constant problems, whether they are small or big. As if he seeks attention. He doesn't deal with them himself and asks me to help. He hardly ever does anything without being told to, whether it's me or somebody else, and 9 out of 10 times asks me to do it instead of him "because I am better at it".

I don't know, there doesn't seem to be a solution to this one.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 09-07-2010 08:09 AM

I think you're just tired of being his caretaker. Tired of feeling like he won't pull his head out of the fire without your help. I can understand that....... but at the same time, you're finding yourself in an eternal pit of martyrdom because you're enabling him to be the way he is. He's used to you stepping up to the plate, he's used to you making the decisions and taking care of him. He likes it. We all "receive" love in different ways...and maybe you taking care of him and mothering him is the way he wants to receive love. It would drive me absolutely CRAZY if I were you.... but you can't continue to "mother" him if you're going to be resentful for it. Don't get me wrong, like I said, I don't blame you for being tired of it. With some people you give an inch, they take a mile. Taking care of someone when they're legitimately sick or hurt is one thing. But when you're CONSTANTLY having to take care of that person, you become less compassionate in the times they actually do need you. Sort of like the little boy who cried wolf. And understandably so.

I think it's time to sit down and have a talk with him.

**stressed** · 09-07-2010 11:59 AM

Originally Posted by Beautiful Disaster

I think you're just tired of being his caretaker. Tired of feeling like he won't pull his head out of the fire without your help. I can understand that....... but at the same time, you're finding yourself in an eternal pit of martyrdom because you're enabling him to be the way he is. He's used to you stepping up to the plate, he's used to you making the decisions and taking care of him. He likes it. We all "receive" love in different ways...and maybe you taking care of him and mothering him is the way he wants to receive love. It would drive me absolutely CRAZY if I were you.... but you can't continue to "mother" him if you're going to be resentful for it. Don't get me wrong, like I said, I don't blame you for being tired of it. With some people you give an inch, they take a mile. Taking care of someone when they're legitimately sick or hurt is one thing. But when you're CONSTANTLY having to take care of that person, you become less compassionate in the times they actually do need you. Sort of like the little boy who cried wolf. And understandably so.

I think it's time to sit down and have a talk with him.

Yes, that's exactly the problem. Thank you.

I know I'm partly to blame too, but I thought it would just stop at some point, since I've made it clear to him a number of times that he needs to be more "independent". It's one thing to take care of someone when they need care, but not all the time and not over every little thing, especially when it has to do with themselves. I'm just used to living in an environment where I receive as much as I give without asking, but he seems to be different.

I'll try to change this, as it IS driving me crazy.

**WildChild** · 09-07-2010 12:12 PM

This sounds like a 10 yr old boy. Emotionally they are recognizing that they are getting too old to have their boo boos kissed but still want fussing over and care part of the time. The rest of the time they want you to praise how big they are getting. Sounds like he is stuck.

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