How to change my Husband??

**DNS** · 09-09-2010 06:32 AM

I am married since 8 months and i love my husband.. but he is always sleepy and lazy , he snores a lot also,..but thats not a major problem for me because i doo get nice sleep.. my problem is his laziness and his attitude.. till date he never bought me any special gift..one dress when he bought dresses for everyone at home and thats all...he doesnt take me out..after i keep asking for long time to take me out one day he takes me but just go out and come back doesnt buy me anything at all..if i say that i want someothing he will say not to waste money on bags, cloths etc..after all what a girl needs i dont ask him for any costly gifts but just small things.. i dont earn and afford buying such things but i just expect that care and affection from him..

otherwise he is responsible and tells he is there for me but they are just words nothing he does in action. i know he loves me but i want to change his attitude and laziness.

please share your inputs..

**stressed** · 09-09-2010 06:51 AM

Is he affectionate or is it only practical and material things you are missing in the relationship? Does he show you his love in other small ways, like hugs, kisses, cuddles, sex, or does he totally ignore you? Maybe your financial situation makes it hard for him to show you his love by buying you something or taking you out, but he might be showing it in other ways.

Have you discussed this with him?

**KMonte85** · 09-09-2010 06:59 AM

DNS - has this change happened since you married him, or was he always sleepy/lazy and didn't buy you things? If he suddenly changed after you got married, you can try speaking with him about it. However, if he's been this way since you've been in a relationship with him, I don't see why you would need him to change now... a litte perspective on this would help me to understand!

You CAN'T change people. You can try to tell him the things that make you feel appreciated and loved, and hope that he gets on board - but if he's a guy who goes at his own pace (slower than you like) and doesn't believe in material things equating affection, then you are going to have a very difficult time ever getting him to understand you.

Have you thought about changing your own perspective? Perhaps he works very hard, and so on his time off he likes to relax and be lazy, not work more doing the things you think he should be doing. Perhaps you could look at other nice things he does for you and realize that is how he is showing you affection and stop caring about the notion that he should purchase gifts for you to show you that affection...

**sourpuss** · 09-09-2010 07:51 AM

I have a problem with you expecting gifts. Sorry, just my opinion but that's a bit over the top. If you were complaining that he didn't kiss you or tell you he loved you, that would be one thing. But to complain that he doesn't buy you clothing or bags is unreasonable. If you want that stuff then you should get a job and get it for yourself. No man should be expected to show his love for his wife through material purchases. If he wants to, great that's a sweet but when it's expected in the relationship there will always be someone who is unhappy.
I echo what the other two posters have asked as well.

**caterpillar79** · 09-09-2010 08:02 AM

Don't expect anything you haven't communicated specifically. It's not fair. If you have told him how you feel about it, then you have the right to feel that way.

The other posters made good points to ponder. Yet, you may have "gifts" as your primary love language and "service" as the second love language, and he doesn't fully understand it. It's kind of weird how the other person might think that he's doing his best to show you his love, but it's just not your top love language. Read more about love languages, both of you and see for yourselves what your top ones are and what the least are, it might help.

You cannot change a person but yourself, remember that.

**WildChild** · 09-09-2010 09:06 AM

I'm going to take a guess that your culture expects men to be the sole provider?
As such, his buying you little gifts is an expected norm?
Is you working an option at all?

**Beautiful Disaster** · 09-09-2010 09:16 AM

Does you get gifts for him?

I dunno...if he's the sole provider he's already got a lot of pressure to provide for the basics of life, and it seems a bit unfair that he's expected to give you gifts for no real reason other than to show you he loves you.

He snores. Did he snore before you married him or did you never sleep with him before marriage? That's a hard topic that many people deal with. I'm a light sleeper so I have a horrible time sleeping with someone that snores. But, there's not ALOT they can do about it......because it's happening when they are asleep.

When he "takes you out", you are expecting him to take you out somewhere nice for dinner, and then take you somewhere and buy you gifts? Whats in it for him?

Relationships are give/take. What is your role in this marriage? What do you do to nurture the marriage? What do you do to make your husband feel appreciated and loved?

**Hopeless Dork** · 09-09-2010 10:07 AM

The first thing you need to get out of your head is "changing" your husband. Its not going to happen... people are who they are. A mistake far too many people make is they look at a person as a lump of clay and try to mold them into what they want them to be instead of looking at them faults and flaws and deciding whether or not they could make it work with that person as they are -- which is the smart thing to do because people don't usually change the very essence of their being, positively or negetively.

What you can do is express to him what you would like for him to do, or do more... tell him how happy it would make you and hope that making you happy is important to him enough to try to do some of the things that make you feel that way.

**DNS** · 09-13-2010 11:53 AM

Hi All,

thanks soo much for taking time and looking into my problem..it help me to think other ways also which i had not thought.. i do have some corrections to my initial typo..i actually meant to say that i dooo earn and can afford buying anything i want but i expect my husband to show some affection by buying some small things...as in India mejority of the husbands does it to their wives..

And like JNS correctly pointed here men are sole providers though the generations are changed and there is a lot of change where majority of the women work and earn ultimately when it comes to kid and elders its the women who is responsible to take care of them even if its at the cost of her career or interests because women is more responsible for home and men are to earn and feed the family.

Coming to my issue, my husband earns well when compared to people of our standrards and buying small things is not a problem for him..however by reading all your responses i have started feeling that its ok if he doesnt buy some material things for me but just show the care and affection..

infact he is little reserved and doesnt express his love by saying I love you always, but he does hug me and has told me that when i am with him he doesnt need anything, and he also says that he is always there withme and cannot live without me..

**laulau** · 09-13-2010 05:42 PM

Just something you could try...

Maybe instead of buying things he could write you a letter expressing things? I purchased a small notebook and wrote down 10 questions like: What is your fovourite childhood memory? And we both wrote down our replies. Then he made up 10 questions. We write notes, draw pictures, play word games in there and all sorts of things... Though not all the time we have our moments too! And the great thing is when either of you are feeling stressed or down the little book is there filled with love and encouragment!

Reading through the other posters replies I think they all bring up some great points!