My immaturity makes me difficult: SCOLD me here!

**caterpillar79** · 09-09-2010 08:31 AM

Been married for 9 months, dated about a year (with 2 occasions of break-ups). We both love almost the same things, love languages almost in sync, soulmates, but not perfect. We are both works in progress.

I have been fighting some inside fever, a probable infection undiagnosed since I haven't been to a quack lately, and it's been 10 days now. Also, I'm in-between jobs as I am waiting for my work permit, hence I'm a stay-at-home-do-it-all-for-you wife, with no social life. Our area is out in the country and I have to drive about 2 hours one-way to get to "civilization" and do what I used to do - window shop and stay in the bookstore for hours, or do some belly dancing classes or boot camp. Since I don't earn right now, we're also having some getting used to tightening out belts. Hubby earns enough actually, but it could also strain him.

We both play games on our iPhones with each other and with random people during and after work hours. Almost routinely, after he gets home, he gives me a long tight loving hug and then relaxes in the couch and play on his PS2, which was an issue to me before, that I somehow had come to terms with. Last night, after having a "loving time" and TV for about an hour, he played his usual PS2 game, which was OK with me. After that, I expected (and he knows it) a cuddle time with him while watching TV, as I'm feeling ill. Well, after his PS2, he took his iPhone and played with a random female gamer and so I started to feel neglected.

After about 5 mins., he called on me to move with him in the couch to which I snapped and emtionally told him, "no, I'll stay here. It's okay...you're busy playing"... and so a tirade of misunderstanding began.

I know, i was very immature at that point. I need either your advice as to how to avoid the same stuff and/or your "lecture"...kick me, I won't complain.

**sourpuss** · 09-09-2010 08:50 AM

I think the only thing you can do is communicate how you're feeling. Explain to him that you're home all day alone and that you just need a little more time and attention at this point. He should have spent the time with you, but you should have spoken up before you got angry. It's not a huge point of contention right now, but it could get that way without proper communication.

He needs to understand how you're feeling and you need to understand that he's in the opposite position. He's at work all day with other people, constantly giving attention when he probably would rather not. Sounds like you both just need a little balance.

**KMonte85** · 09-09-2010 08:52 AM

I'm going to "scold" you for being a bit too hard on yourself.

You don't feel good. You're fighting off an infection. Hubby deviated from the norm (and he knew it). He chose his games over you and you got mad. Not an out of this world outcome!

Even at our best when we're sick, we're not going to be the greatest communicators on the planet... sheesh, even when were 100% healthy, we can't be on top of our communication skills all the time.

I guess I'd just say that instead of stewing when he chose to play his iphone games instead of cuddle, you should have spoken up then... and not waited, angrily, until he was done before making a comment. So remember to catch yourself when you're getting peeved and speak up then should a similar situation arise!

but whatever, you were feeling sickly and wanted some hubby time - could you have said that better? Yeah sure. Should hubby perhaps have understood where you were coming from too and not gotten defensive? Yeah sure. Live, learn, and love each other for the 95% of the time you're on the same page, and give each other a bit of a break when you're not

**pretzel** · 09-09-2010 08:59 AM

cat, you're worried about this?

please.................

next time, interupt him and just go and cuddle with him and distract him. bet you a million dollars he puts that stupid little PS2 down.

**Mes T** · 09-09-2010 09:23 AM

(He plays with a PS2 not PS3??

)

Cat dear you were not feeling well and just needed some loving. Well you know what, BOYS CAN BE STUPID SOMETIMES. Sometimes for them to realize what exactly you need, you need to tell them as directly as humanly possible. Don't leave them guessing - that'll always leave you disappointed.

I used to sit around and WAIT for my boyfriend to give me some extra attention when I was feeling blue, or sick, or something. Well, he couldn't have been more clueless. Just went about his business as usual. And then of course he was all taken aback when I exploded and stomped out the door.

You need him to put his game down? TELL HIM. Directly. "Honey put that down and cuddle with me, I'm sick." It won't sound demanding. In fact he'll probably be relieved that you've said something he can understand.

**Hopeless Dork** · 09-09-2010 09:48 AM

I think you are right to feel neglected... but I think there would be something you could do that could make things better for both of you. When he gets home, giving him your welcome home embrace and then leave him alone for a bit... just an hour. Go out for a walk, go in your room and take a hot bath, go watch a program etc.. but give him an hour when he gets home from work to decompress and switch from stress work mode to loving husband mode -- a transition.

I know when I first walk in the door, I want to get settled. I want to go pee and make a drink, have a smoke... and zone out at the computer for 30 minutes for others it may be a game , a show, etc. I think by giving someone a time to switch gears you get more of them when they have relaxed a bit.

I think when people come at me before I've gotten to unwind they only get a piece of my attention but once I have had time to myself I am ready to give all my attention

**caterpillar79** · 09-09-2010 12:01 PM

Thank you all for talking sense in to me. It's not that I'm not doing what I preach about communication and self-worth, it's just a weak moment and it got the best of me.

I've done your suggestion, HD (I personally transition that way)... I just need to learn to be consistent and balance my independence and dependency levels. We were married, but for a while lived a sort of single life, married on long distance. It's a challenge breaking our patterns.

I know, pretzel, my issue is actually a non-issue on a bigger picture. I'm being a baby.

That was a good vent though! Alright, time to wear the mod hat and my big girl panties!

**stressed** · 09-09-2010 01:38 PM

Originally Posted by Mes_T

(He plays with a PS2 not PS3?? )

Cat dear you were not feeling well and just needed some loving. Well you know what, BOYS CAN BE STUPID SOMETIMES. Sometimes for them to realize what exactly you need, you need to tell them as directly as humanly possible. Don't leave them guessing - that'll always leave you disappointed.

You need him to put his game down? TELL HIM. Directly. "Honey put that down and cuddle with me, I'm sick." It won't sound demanding. In fact he'll probably be relieved that you've said something he can understand.

I agree with everything.

Especially with the PS2 comment. Who plays with a PS2??? Tell him to get a PS3. Embarrassing

Get well soon and tell him you need a little more affection

I usually get depressed when I have fever: Everything is awful, b/f doesn't care, life sucks and so on. Don't worry, you didn't do anything wrong.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-09-2010 02:14 PM

Darling one...

6 out of those 9 months you were alone, as you both couldn't live together.. And 12 months to get to the marriage

It's still all a learning curb of each other..

Your still growing together.

PMS, illness, most definately we get cranky

Don't worry about it, what i do see though is after 5 mins he asked you over to him, so that means he realised, (as he seems to often do) that oops, she's on her own, that's not what we do, so that means he is getting in tune well with you.

Now to scold you.. YOU TWO NEED to get off the couch and drive 2 hrs, once a week at least, go window shopping, have a coffee, check out the book place, have some lunch and make a real day of it...

What you can't do is sit in that house 7 days a week and resort to PS2's... for your entertainment outside the bedroom off course

CW

**caterpillar79** · 09-10-2010 01:44 PM

Originally Posted by Mes_T

(He plays with a PS2 not PS3?? )

Originally Posted by stressed

I agree with everything.

Especially with the PS2 comment. Who plays with a PS2??? Tell him to get a PS3. Embarrassing

Get well soon and tell him you need a little more affection . I usually get depressed when I have fever: Everything is awful, b/f doesn't care, life sucks and so on. Don't worry, you didn't do anything wrong.

Exactly! You, two made me chuckle on your PS2 comment. I even let him read through the entire thread and he was tickled! Reason for the PS2 - we are hermits, we don't quite use up-to-date gadgets. That toy was handed down by his youngest sib who upgraded to a PS3. Maybe when he upgrades again we'll get to use a PS3, but then by that time it would be passe - oh, well. LOL.

Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH

Darling one...

6 out of those 9 months you were alone, as you both couldn't live together.. And 12 months to get to the marriage

It's still all a learning curve of each other..

Your still growing together.

PMS, illness, most definately we get cranky. Don't worry about it, what i do see though is after 5 mins he asked you over to him, so that means he realised, (as he seems to often do) that oops, she's on her own, that's not what we do, so that means he is getting in tune well with you.

I know...yes, Mum! It takes sooo longggg..... Hehe..."definately" or definitely ?

Sorry, I couldn't stop (spank me latter...errr, later - like Mother like daughter, couldn't spell quite well).

Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH

Now to scold you.. YOU TWO NEED to get off the couch and drive 2 hrs, once a week at least, go window shopping, have a coffee, check out the book place, have some lunch and make a real day of it...

What you can't do is sit in that house 7 days a week and resort to PS2's... for your entertainment outside the bedroom off course

CW

Yup...*head nodding...

We're going to see a symphony in the city tomorrow evening, and it'll be a great one for sure. Yesterday, he signed us up at the Wellness Center and we'll be able to attend fitness/yoga/pilates classes there.

He is a wonderful husband. We just need to unlearn some of our "single" patterns that have been ingrained within. And as for me, I have to be more outspoken and objective about things.

Lastly, good news is... I feel better now! Thank you all for letting me have my "venting machine " on here.