Same issues 3 years along - Female Friends

**torn2pieces** · 09-13-2010 08:25 AM

I access all of his accounts from facebook, twitter, yahoo and so on, without his knowledge. I also look through his phone. It has been a very long time since I found anything, and even when I found stuff it was never flirting and cheating - it would be hey lets have a drink, hey what are you doing, come over and see me - which I did not like and upset me a lot. I would always confront him which would of course then lead to a fight about me sneaking through his stuff.
CURRENTLY:
I seen an old friend from like 12 years ago contacted him on facebook, they discussed taking their kids to the zoo together and that didn't work out so they had lunch last Friday, and he took our son with him. I had a feeling/idea he might be doing something with her that day (I seen he called her the day before). Friday morning I asked "what do you have planned today" and he clearly lied and said NOTHING and went and had lunch with her. I see this morning she just sent him a e-mail saying "I am off on Wednesday, if you want to hook up". I am waiting to see what he replies.
I want to play this out right so I can catch him up and do exactly what needs to be done. This may sound bad, but I don't want the focus on me sneaking in his accounts. I am thinking about going a little slower and maybe finding out where they are going to hook up and show up there. I don't know but I asking on here - How should I play this out to blow his cover and get him without me being the wrong one? I want to handle this right and give him no room to some how make me feel bad or like I did something wrong, he is pretty good at that.

**WildChild** · 09-13-2010 08:36 AM

Let's get this straight; you've been spying on him for three years and haven't found anything worth notice. You are continuing to spy on him hoping to catch him out?
Why?
Have you heard the saying that, "were attention goes, energy flows"? It sounds like you are creating this and will make it happen. When people feel they have been tried and comdemed without having done anything wrong they can develop the idea that they might as well go ahead.
What has he done to warrent this treatment and suspicion?
Does he have a past history of affairs?
I know you may have posted about this before and I am just not remembering what went on.

**torn2pieces** · 09-13-2010 08:48 AM

His past is not affairs and cheating. Our past is him having female friends and not respecting me with them as in: He felt he should be able to maintain the same friendship with a female as he would with a male friend such as, hooking up late night, going over to each other houses, he didn't have boundries, he did not feel it was important for me to meet these girls, even after I asked and told him it was important to me, he would suddenly have some new chic he was hanging out with (it wasn't always friends from before me). I didn't like the idea of him calling these girls to hang out after a fight of ours. Basically a lot of those unspoken rules in a relationship he ignored. One night he was out all night and tried to bring some girl in our house to use the restroom, we had a huge falling out that night, and heck no she didn't come in our house (cause I stopped her), he still feels he didn't nothing wrong with bringing her to our house. Call me wrong for snooping okay, but what about this current situation and his current actions they are wrong and since I know, I don't want to stand around and take it. If this is his behavior I don't want to be with him.

**Hopeless Dork** · 09-13-2010 08:54 AM

Torn, I think you need to stop for a second and re-read the words you wrote here... the going through each and every account and reading everything sent to him, and now sitting and waiting for his reply. Its NOT healthy. I know your spider senses must be tingling and telling you he is up to no good, and you are probably right... but that is never enough for a woman to walk out on a man over... she wants proof and I understand that -- but you are going about all that the wrong way.

You've moved from wife to private investigator CSI , parole officer, wire tapper specialist. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, I understand why a woman would want to know whats going on -- but this is just taking things too far.

Whatever he has done in the past to shatter your trust has affected you profoundly and you can't possibly be happy if you are sitting there going through his stuff anticipating him to do you wrong.

He has female friends and goes to lunch with them, he talks to chicks on facebook etc... and if you have a problem with him doing all these things..they can be addressed without the inquisition. If he has a different idea of bounderies than you do, no amount of snooping will change those... and you are right, you want to make this about what he's doing that hurts you and not you behaving paranoid... so in order to do that -- you have to sieze with the paranoid behaviors.

I am guilty guilty guilty of looking up my man's web history to see what he's been interested in online... I've learned curiousity kills the cat... but I also know how very important privacy is when it comes to communication. How would you feel about him bugging the computer and reading the words you type here... reading the emails you might send to friend ranting about him or something else. Somethings are yours and yours alone and its a great violation to get into that area.

It might feel like as a girlfriend and wife you have a right to know who he is speaking to and what he says and what they say but you really don't. Being committed means you share your life, not give up your life entirely -- in my opinion.

He should not be having friends on facebook that you are uncomfortable with and thats a conclusion you can draw and discuss without snooping. Him going off and bringing your child to lunch with an old friend , especially an old attractive female friend ... I could understand you having a problem with that.

Has he cheated in the past? Does he display a cheating nature? Does he always have to smother himself in female attention from co-workers old friends and exes? If thats the case, that is what should be addressed... and again that can happen without reading his emails and logging his phone conversations etc. If he refuses to respect your bounderies on who he associates with and how intimate he is with those woman, lunching, calling, emailing etc.. then THAT is the problem and thats what you guys need to learn to see eye to eye on or decide you can't...

But it would help to know if he has done something in the past that has caused you to be this vigilant in trying to condemn him?

**Hopeless Dork** · 09-13-2010 09:03 AM

After reading what you just wrote before I replied.... I think him staying out all night and coming home with a female friend in the morning to use your bathroom and then not feeling like he did anything out of line is the problem. Those are the things that need addressing, the blatent disrepect in that action upset you as it good and well should have. But it sounds like you swallow the disrespectful behavior because you have no proof he is putting his penis in anyone else and so thats all you are trying to find out and once you do that will be enough to make you walk away.

But I think what needs to be addressed is all that disrespect for your bounderies, you are not being a controlling wife by not wanting your husband to go out and act like a fratboy on the weekends... partying all night and bringing strangers in to pee in yoru family home. Thats OUTRAGEOUS behavior and he should be ashamed of himself.

if you are having to contend with scenerios like that often, you shouldn't be waiting for the proof he's broken the biggest rule of all... but instead dealing with these other infractions that are tearing you up.

**KMonte85** · 09-13-2010 09:08 AM

idk, maybe I just don't see the issue here... he's got female friends that he goes out to lunch with, emails with (but you've said its never explicit or even flirty for that matter), and hangs out with occasionally. I guess I wouldn't like the whole staying out all night with his female friends and not introducing them to me but if my bf NEVER gave me any incling whatsoever that he was going to be shady, I don't think it would tear me apart by any means. My bf has a numver of female friends, heck - he had a female friend as a roommate for over a year! We trust each other enough that I never had any insecurity about it. And what's the worst that could happen? Cheating? Well yea, that sucks. But it is easily fixed by dumping the cheating dirtbag.

So the snooping aside, lets look at the current situation you're talking about... He's going to lunch with a friend, who also happens to be a woman. I'm not going to condone you going there and making a scene - what good does that do? What do you believe that would accomplish? You'll make him more angry, and damage your relationship even further. It isn't good that he's keeping his lunch a secret from you - but given what you've written here, I honestly think he's doing it so he can maintain his friendships and not have you fly off the handle out of insecurity and jealousy.

Originally Posted by torn2pieces

I want to handle this right and give him no room to some how make me feel bad or like I did something wrong, he is pretty good at that.

Honestly, there is no way to accomplish this. You aren't in the right here, and your boyfriend is going to look like a saint if you do something to "blow his cover."

I think you need to work on your jealousy problem with him having female friends, and I think he needs to work on making you more comfortable with his friends, by introducing them to you so you can come to realize they aren't a threat. Doing anything else is just going to exacerbate the problems in your relationship... and drive your boyfriend further away. Work on the cause of the issue you're having, not the effect. Cause = your insecurity/his insensitivity effect = your irrational demands of his friends/his keeping his friendships secret

**torn2pieces** · 09-13-2010 09:09 AM

I do not have direct evidence that he is cheated, but yes I have a lot of suspicion. Because he used to work late nights (off by 11 or so), and he would have drinks with other women, only women sometimes. One time he came home at 7 in the morning, claims he fell asleep in Chubby's parking lot, but I still wonder. He does not have cheating behavior. How do I address his inteaction and boundries with other women out of no where? I thought about trying counseling, but it's too expensive. Yes, I do believe when he is at work he connects with women more than the men there, so yes I do believe he needs female companions. I check his accounts cause of situations like this, I want to know. Yes it kills me and I don't like myself as I sneak and sneak. I strongly believe if I feel I have to sneak then we shouldn't be together, so maybe I should take this opportunity of him sneaking around to catch him, leave him and no longer sneak.

**Hopeless Dork** · 09-13-2010 09:12 AM

Originally Posted by KMonte85

Work on the cause of the issue you're having, not the effect. Cause = your insecurity/his insensitivity effect = your irrational demands of his friends/his keeping his friendships secret

Very very very well put. Both of you have things to work on... he should not be keeping his friends a secret and you could try to be accepting of his friends so that he doesn't feel the need to keep him a secret but one can't happen without the other happening so you guys have to work together on that.

**Hopeless Dork** · 09-13-2010 09:17 AM

Originally Posted by torn2pieces

I strongly believe if I feel I have to sneak then we shouldn't be together, so maybe I should take this opportunity of him sneaking around to catch him, leave him and no longer sneak.

That might be cutting of your nose to spite your face, or throwing the baby out with the bathwater... either way its a drastic approach to something that may or may not be what you suspect. He DOES behave in a manner that is very suspicious... but if you are reacting negatively to his friends that may be why he is so secretive... but if he is secretive and protective of their identities and doesn't let you get to know them of course that would cause you to react negatively to them so which came first the chicken or the egg is not the problem anymore... the problem is that he's keeping secrets and your becoming resentful.

The only way this can improve is if he agrees to be more open about the friends he keeps, introducing you, inviting you to hang out and if you agree to not dissaprove of his friendships without knowing the people or understanding what place they hold with him.

**torn2pieces** · 09-13-2010 09:19 AM

In order to work on some of these issues, I have to bring them up and I think the best way will be counseling, instead of us going back and forth and it getting heated in our room. I do not plan on making a scene if I show up where they are, I just plan on asking him the morning of, or even calling and saying "hey what are you doing", waiting for him to lie to me and then catching him in the act and being able to leave.