Thread: Getting over it.

I have to ask you elk, would your heart feel any better about the fact he cheated if it were a woman that were hotter than you? If it were a woman with a perfect gorgeous body and face... would that some how make the cheating more acceptable? I think you are somehow equating the fact that she isn't attractive in your opinion to the cheating being some how more worse or damaging... you call her a 'creature' and 'disgusting' and I understand that you are hurt by her backstabbing you and your man doing what he did with her... but I think you are focusing your issue with the affair on what she looked like more than what he did... and that isn't helping your healing process.

Its going to take a long time for you to fully recover and even when you do, you will have bad days where it gets into your head and you are upset and thats something a bed he chose to lay in... when someone cheats and still wants to be with the person they cheated on, when they realize their mistake and know where their heart truly is... they have to understand that their partner may distrust them for a while, may have some jealousy issues, may be fine one day and snapping the next and thats pretty much par for the course.

It sounds like an unfortunate incident for you, and I hope that you find peace with it... but I hope that you take a look at his actions and your feelings about his actions more than who the actions were with because its pretty irrelevent when it comes down to it.

Hopeless Dork,

First off, I feel like I am insulting you buy addressing you by your username, lol. XD

No, it wouldn't be different, or better with a hotter woman. Either way I'd feel GOD AWFUL about it. The only difference is that it would be a different sort of feeling of inadequacy I think. It has little to do with her looks honestly, I was just making jabs -- I am so hateful right now.

She is irrelevant, just as you say, and I know this. I think I put so much blame and hatred on her because it hurts less to be angry, and hurts less to have bad feelings towards her in general. That's another issue -- I want her OUT OF MY HEAD, she has nothing to do with it at this point. Hating on her keeps me from really feeling bad and insecure about myself I think.

He is understanding though -- I mean, VERY. That's good at least.

I am so sorry this psycho B got your bf in her cross hairs. BTW he deserves some sympathy and support from you as well. I know you are hurting but I think mutual support would half both your hurts. He and you have been put through the ringer. It was a planned attack. He was manipulated by her, you took advantage of his youth and high hormones to practically assult him. Cheating is not excusable but I do not think he knew what was coming. If he were older he would have. That should give you some comfort he did not orchestrate this and he was practically assaulted. If he knew what was going to happen I don't think he would have even gone up to her room.

Please comfort each other and know that it was really not his fault. It was a horrible attack. You might consider a restraining order. Maybe also speaking to the principal of the school; it is somewhat disturbing that an apparently mentally unstable women has contact with kids. I would also go to local police I don't think they would do anything but you can at lest see. I would also tell the school about the restraining order and visit to the police.
Take care of each other and the best to you both.

Also to you, Helpless (It wouldn't let me edit anymore)


I am also sore because she had contracted me before just to tell me I am beneath her, etc. I'm not superficial and I'm not usually focused with looks. It's not even a weight thing, though I am wary of girls with low self esteem (even though mine is fairly low). I just....I can't stand feeling like some woman -- any woman, ugly or not -- was his for one night. I don't want to feel beneath anyone, you know? I didn't really start to hate her or think of her as an ugly terrible creature until she started harassing me and antagonizing me, and saying she was pregnant to try and rope him in. In my head, she is more distorted and ugly than ever. She is extremely aggressive and belives that he is "rightfully" hers.

My emotions are going nuts, but my logic tells me it's a situation between me and him, solely, and no one else is involved.

Thanks for your comfort, Allie.

He was assaulted, for sure. He was also a virgin before me, and she played on that fact too. It doesn't excuse him at all, but the predatory nature of what she did is sickening. Not to mention she totally used me. I mean...she was my friend, I thought. I cared about her too, you know?

We made a deal with the family that if she stopped talking to us, we would not press charges, or make her lose her job, which she would if they knew she did a 19 year old by getting him crunk and going after him. It's tough because her sister is my bestie, and if this woman lost her job she's probably commit suicide, which would kill my friend. The family had a long record of mental illness (clearly) and I know it would crush my friend and her family if something happened to her sister.

If she EVER contacts either one of us again, we will go after her legally -- He is VERY aggressive on this stance and was the first one to threaten pressing charges for harassment. She hasn't directly bugged us since he really told her off, but I still hear stuff through my friend that I WISH I didn't have to listen too. Sometimes my friend is insensitive like that....

But...I try to give him support. When I ask him if I am doing okay he says yes. I hope I am.

Also, thank you Helpless Dork, you were help too. I forgot to thank you for your post. ^_^;;

Sounds like your both on the road to recovery. You are quite a very good friend, her family is challenged and I know she counts on your friendship. It may be helpful to ask her not to share anymore info about the B as it sets you and your bj back. I am certain she will make as effort. The very best to you and your bf.

Oh I totally understand how angry you must be, and I know it would be much easier to focus your frustrations on her instead of the man you love... but you mustn't show that to HIM. You do not want to give him the impression that you think he was a victim in this... because although she seduced him, he was a consenting adult and unless I am misunderstanding she's a teacher, but wasn't HIS teacher.

I know that if for not her persistance he would not have slept with her, but if you remove the responsability from him, what would be preventing him from falling under some other womans temptation then playing the ... I didn't see it coming card. She may be older physically but she doesn't sound all that emotionally mature with the way she is behaving after the fact. I am sure you have a much more clear head on your shoulders than she does and you aren't taking advantage of your boyfriend.

I just think in order to move forward and heal you guys have to forget about her and what she did, and focus on him and what he did , since he is the only one that was supposed to be committed to you. To talk to him about his own fears, worries, regrets... does he feel like he didn't get enough experience with other women before settiling down, does he feel he still has oats to sew etc... if alcohol is excuse, then him trying to figure out how he will handling his drinking in other situations where you might not be there and other females will be. Its not about blame anymore since you have decided you want to work it out with him... instead it should be about him reaching deep and figuring out if he can truly say that he would reject another situation where a woman throws herself at him.. and if he knows that he has what he wants, if he understands that just because you forgave and decided to stick with him this time doesn't mean you are a doormat, or is no promise that you will be there if something like this were to happen again.

He's got to be able to comfort you, to allow you to go through all your various stages of sadness , anger, etc...

On a side note when a man steps out in a relationship it is rarely because something is wrong with their signficant other. Look at tiger woods gorgous wife, or Liz hurley or any other drop dead beautiful woman that has been cheated on and with women considered far less 'attractive' Or prince charles when he was cheating on diana with that one woman that was........ so not princess di lol Its usually based on convienence for who they do that with I think.

Hopeless, I REALLY like your last post, thank you. One of my buddies told me the same thing, that cheating isn't a reflection on you but rather the one cheating. That does help as far as self esteem goes.

He does know I blame him the most. In fact, I hold him in some ways to be 100% responsible -- yes, she was horribly predatory and I DO think he was very coerced and prayed on -- but I am not dating her, I am dating him, making him the only one who really matters. I am unstable about this whole thing. Some days I am okay, and some days I'm not. When I'm not some days I complain about her and some days I am solely upset with him. He does know I won't give him another chance. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. I do believe that. I won't stand for dating a "cheater" -- been there, done that. The ONLY thing that kept me with him was the fact that he was willing to work SO HARD to keep me, and has lived up to my expectations and more.

To acknowledge a couple things you said that were great points -- we have talked about the alcohol. He doesn't fear another mistake, sober or drunk. HOWEVER, he wholeheartedly agrees that he should not get drunk around other females unless I am there also and comfortable with it. With his guy buddies drinking is not a really big issue to me. They're my friends too and I trust them. Besides, they're nerds, they sit around and play Halo and D&D the whole time, they don't go clubbing or drink and get behind the wheel. Even if he never slipped up or got close to it, avoiding being alone/drinking alone with other females would be for my mental health. He luckily doesn't drink much, and getting smashed with her might have been one of the less than ten times he's ever gotten totally plastered. He's personally not worried about doing it again. "Looking" is not really in his nature, plus he knows what it's like to really break someone's heart now. He is very sensitive and emotional, so seeing me hurt so bad has been very hard for him also. He says he doesn't feel like he needs to be with more women, and that if something is amiss and his needs are no longer being met, he will be honest with me instead of cheating. He says sleeping with other woman would never be worth the risk of losing or hurting me. He also is very gung-ho about never being in a situation that makes either on of us uncomfortable or where anything COULD happen. He's so willing to work with me and really has been understanding.

Again, I TOTALLY agree that she's irrelevant now. It's hard to stop bashing, but I need to get over her. She was never a good friend to me and isn't important. Thinking about her doesn't help me or him. He's doing everything right at this point, I am the one who is so unstable, which he has been so understanding about.

I wish I knew how to ease the pain within myself faster. We have talked the subject to death and he keeps talking and supporting, but I know the issue is within me now. I just...I don't even know what to do with myself. I am an emotional train wreck and can't seem to get it together.

Thanks for your support, it means a lot.