Husband cheating and got girl pregnant

**megahurt** · 10-02-2010 10:23 AM

This news is less than 24 hours old so it has not fully sunk in yet. My husband of 9 years broke the news to me yesterday that he has been cheating on me for about a year and the girl is now pregnant. He says that it was only sex and that he does not love her and I believe him on that point. I have read several other posts and I already know that I will get bombarded with people telling me to kick him to the curb. I truly don't know what the answer is right now but I am interested in hearing the other side of the coin. If there are any wives out there that had this happen and choose to make the marriage work.

Thanks in advance.

**WildChild** · 10-02-2010 11:13 AM

It sounds like you are taking this very rationally right now. Very probably you will find yourself facing a range of emotions over the coming days, weeks and months. If your insurance covers it, you many find counseling very helpful to get through this. The repercussions go beyong the emotional, he will be financially responsible for this child for the next 18-21 years. This isn't something you can just deal with and put behind you. This woman will never really be out of your lives, you are going to have to determine if you can handle that.

**TheAffairLady** · 10-02-2010 06:57 PM

This isn't advice but I will tell you that my great aunt's husband once had an affair that resulted in the other woman having a child,and not only did she stay with her husband but once the child had turned around two, something happened with the mother of the child and my great aunt ended up taking and raising the child as her own. So, not only did my aunt not divorce her husband, she actually raised the other woman's child. This was of course back in the days when women almost never divorced their husbands but I will say that as time passed my aunt was able to get over the pain caused by the infidelity and actually ended up loving this other woman's daughter as her own.

**stressed** · 10-03-2010 07:07 PM

I have the feeling that you have already made your decision, to stay with your husband, and you seek approval by women who have done the same. Of course there are women who have stayed through this, some times their relationship got stronger, other times it was too hard to bear.

What WC meant was that you have to be sure of your decision and realize the consequences. To realize if you can handle this kind of life or not. Can you forgive him? Can you be happy knowing that your husband has another family other than yours? Can you trust your husband after a year of lying and cheating? Can you handle the mental images that will flash through your mind of your husband having sex with somebody else for a whole year with someone who he was with "just for sex" but now he's going to have a baby with and see frequently? Can you trust him that he will never have sex again with her all of the sudden? These are serious issues you need to consider and answer by yourself. No matter how many wives made it through cheating or how many left, the decision is yours.

I'm not telling you to leave, I'm only listing a number of issues you must consider before you make a choice. You may feel you can make it through, you may not. But don't decide anything right away because since you love him your first reaction is going to be the need to forgive him. But once this goes away you are going to be faced with the harsh reality of his actions and lies. With him having to be away from you and your own family to see this child and the mom he was cheating on you with for a whole year, only to be seeing her often and by the law.

You have to make this decision with your head, not your heart.

**Lunar Keiki** · 10-04-2010 01:34 AM

I think, if you decide this relationship is worth saving, then you owe it to your marriage to get counseling. All the issues that have been previously mentioned need to be addressed. You cannot ignore something because it hurts too much to think about. Cheating is physical--he says it was just sex. But now there will be an emotional bond that is unavoidable and permanent. And you will go through all the stages of grief as if this is a death, because in a way it is--it is the death of the marriage you thought you had. You need to go through all these emotions and arrive at a decision you can live with for the rest of your life. And now there is an innocent child brought into the picture. Can you share your husband with another family? Can you have this child in your home to be a part of your family when he has visitation? Do you both have kids of your own right now? If so, how will you deal with that? What will you tell them? What will you tell them?

I am not advocating in either direction, because I have seen it work. A friend of mine's husband had an affair with a woman at HER company--different department, but same company as his wife. The affair ended, but there was a child conceived. And by the time I met her, the child was in high school and he spent a lot of time with his Dad and his family. My friend was fine with all of this and treated the boy as a nephew.

This can work, but it will not be easy, and the biggest thing to me will be the trust issues. If you decide to stay with him and you decide to forgive him, you cannot be constantly throwing it in his face that he cheated (which is what I would want to do). You will need to address it and work together to move beyond the hurt and betrayal.

**confusedlady** · 12-02-2010 05:55 AM

Dear Megahurt

I am in a very similar position. I have just found out that my partner of 10 years cheated on me with his ex and a child was conceived, now 4 years old. I have gone through the initial stages, disbelief, shock, no eating, no sleeping and found myself on another good forum called "surviving infidelity" They have excellent tools and a comprehensive library to deal with so many of the emotional issues attached and as I am only day 4 of "Discovery Day" I have found it tremendously helpful to my situation. All the people on the forum have such a range of issues and the support you get is amazing. The main thing to bear in mind is obtaining all the facts, and making sure your other half is completely open with you. Also its not your fault. You did not chose this and they need to understand how devastating it is. The forum will also provide you with guidance it how best to reconcile and I feel that the main view is that you can both reconcile and the relationship can get even stronger. It is only the 2 of you that know how this has effected you and whether you believe him to be telling you the truth. I hope things are working out for you both and think there is light at the end of the tunnel, god bless xxx

**Beautiful Disaster** · 12-02-2010 07:06 AM

I think when that much deceit has happened in a marriage, it's very very rarely going to be salvageable. What I mean by salvageable is : able to be repaired, trust rebuilt, and both people be able to be fully happy and in love. I think that after someone knowingly deceives you for that long when you have trusted them with your heart, it's rare to ever be able to get past that. Then it comes down to, do you sacrifice your ability to fully be happy in love, to trust your mate, to live jealousy and worry free of your partner being unfaithful JUST to be able to be with this person...........or do you walk away and give yourself the chance to live a life free of that burden?

Now there's a child that's going to be involved. So you now know that not only was he cheating, but he was doing so without protection and putting your own health at risk. The ultimate display of selfishness. And truth be known.... you only know about this because she got pregnant and he felt he had no choice but to tell you. So now he says it was "just sex". But if she hadn't of gotten pregnant, you know as well as I do that he'd most likely still be sleeping with her.

This is all very fresh. And I'm sure after the initial shock your first instinct was "how can I salvage this marriage.....I don't want to go through a divorce". Give yourself some time to process this so you can determine how you REALLY feel about what he's done.

**rcoreyus** · 12-02-2010 09:45 AM

He will probably want to be involved in his child's life - and if you stay together, that will make you involved as well. If you think you can live with this and really forgive him for what he did, then the marriage could survive. If you don't think you can really forgive him, if you think you will resent this forever, then it is probably better to end the marriage.

Obviously he is the one completely in the wrong here, and you have every right to leave if that is what you want. You have every reason to be angry - but I don't think anger will help with this decision.

Also, you need to understand why he cheated. If he reasons for cheating remain (whatever they were), then he will probably do it again - no matter how sorry he feels right now.

**Misty81** · 12-05-2010 10:07 AM

Hello. I am in a similar situation. My husband and I have been together for 14 years. He also cheated and fathered another child. We already had 3 kids. I chose to stay with him despite this because I love him and because he is a great father to our kids. It was an extremely hard decision, but the good outweighed the bad. We have been to counseling for this,and so far so good. I dont bring up that he did this when we argue, whats the point if thats just going to make us both upset and its def not good for the kids. Our 3 children know about the new baby, we just told them "you have another sister". My kids are 10, 6, 3. They were excited, bc they are so young..they dont understand how it happened. They do know that their new sister has another mom. Its not going to mess them Dealing with this is completely up to whether you can handle it. Its all about how you handle it, if you're going to stay with him you cant argue because of this. You have to take it for what it is and accept it. The only problem left is TRUST. I love my husband so I chose to try to rebuild his trust despite the big reminder. Can you do this. You cant snoop through his stuff, accuse him of cheating, argue all the time etc etc. If this is going to be the case, you need to leave asap. Its almost as if you'll be walking on eggshells just to salvage your marriage and family. Which may sound pathetic to many, but when you are in love and want to keep together your family...you'll be suprised what people will do...

**Beautiful Disaster** · 12-05-2010 10:28 AM

Which may sound pathetic to many, but when you are in love and want to keep together your family...you'll be suprised what people will do...

Very true. But I have to point out that you being in love doesn't mean much if you're the only one in love. And if a man (or woman) deceives you, cheats on you (obviously unprotected), breaks the vows of your marriage.........then how much "in love" with you can he really be? I wouldn't want to salvage a marriage in which the love was one sided.....a relationship in which I KNEW if the situation were reversed he'd have left me in a heartbeat,a rerelationship in which my kids would grow up and not really even witness what a real true in love husband and wife look like. Obviously, that's just my opinion and I wouldn't dare say that anyone who choses to stay in their marriage after cheating is wrong. I'd just say that life is short, and it's full of wonderful joyous things........I just couldn't let myself spend my life dealing with the internal misery that a wife has to deal with after her husband has cheated....especially not for someone who didn't love me enough to be faithful to me.