Husband cheated- can I forgive him?
I responded to the thread " Is text messaging cheating" and read some very interesting posts. I am no faced with a dilemma since I discovered what I had been suspecting all along- my husband did have sex with one of the two women that he was texting. He had been been working in Florida for three months when I noticed over 200 texts to two different phone numbers that were not familiar to me. I called one number and a woman answered the phone. I told her that the man she had been texting back and forth with was married. She claimed that they were friends and that the texts were his idea. Through my detective work ( I am an investigator in my profession), I found that this woman is a 30 year old former stripper who is hooked on crack cocaine and lost custody of her two children after her ex husband accidently asphyxiated their newborn child. I nearly fainted when I also found that this woman lives about three blocks from where my husband was staying while at his former job. I asked him repeatedly if he had sex with this woman and I also asked him to get tested for STD's. I knew that he couldnt have actually seen the other text "friend" since she lives close to our home in Michigan. My husband finally fessed up a couple weeks ago and told me that the woman texted him in the middle of the night twice and he took her to his place both times. He claims that he only had sex with her once and told her that he could not continue seeing her a couple days later. He also claims that he cried for three hours and decided to lie to me because he could not bear to hurt me. I am sickened by this entire situation. He lost his job one week after I discovered the texting and moved back home right away, ending all contact with both women. My husband has had a very hard time finding employment in our home state, despite sending numerous resumes and beating the pavement. He was offered a job in the same area where he was staying in Florida and he starts in a couple days. This means moving back to his buddies condo and living a few blocks away from the hussy that he had the alleged one night stand with. My husband has apologized repeatedly and pleged his love to me but I am so sad and insecure about him living in another state, given recent circumstances. I looked the hussy up on Facebook and she is slim and pretty. I am a very attractive middle aged woman but I keep mentally comparing myself to her and getting mental flashes of him having sex with her. It hurts so bad. I dont want to divorce my husband but do not want to live like a suspicious nag either. Any suggestions? I cant discuss with family or friends since they would never forgive him.
I'm so sorry that your husband cheated on you. She may be pretty and slim, but it seems the elevator may not go to the top floor with her ex asphyxiating a child and her using crack. Ask your husband if he is willing to have you check up on him using cameras, remote control of his computer, sniffers and some way to get a copy of all of his text messages. He should allow this as he should want you to trust him again and giving you open access will allow you to build trust.
Any reason you can't go to Florida too?
We can only learn to love by loving. - Iris Mudoch, British writer
First of all, I posted a few days ago over my husband sending another woman text messages. I still don't know if he cheated or not, however its the past and I will leave it there not matter how hard it is. But in your title you asked if you could forgive him...well, from my own situation I learned something...
You can always forgive them...but you will never forget it. I heard that three times on different forums other than this one and I wanted to share it because it is very true. As a female we over think alot of times and will never let go of what they did to us. We can forgive them but we will never forget the fact they did something we would never imagine doing.
I am not really good advice since I'm still struggling with my own problems with my own husband, however I thought I'd share you the advice I was given.
Best of luck you to you and God Bless.
I have been at the same job nearly 20 years- traditional pension, health insurance, benefits. I would never be able to find a comparable job in Florida and we are in bad shape financially since my husband has only worked 3 out of the last 18 months. I am so grateful that our daughters are adults and living on their own. I cant imagine going through this while trying to be a good mother.Originally Posted by WildChild
I'm not sure I'd be willing to uproot my career and children to move to another state for a man who was cheating on me.
What a fool to commit adultery against an Investigator!
I know you don't want to be divorced. Most people don't get married with that in mind. But they also don't get married with the mind set that they'll have to some day accept the fact that their spouse slept with someone else. Thats alot to ask of someone. And alot of people say "I'll stay but if it ever happens again, I'm gone." Well my thought about that is, why is the first time any better than the second time? What makes the second time worse? You think he didn't know better the first time? Of course he did.
I dunno...my first insinct here is get a divorce and get your life back. Living a life with a husband you cannot trust is bad enough, but one you cannot trust who lives in another state.. seems like a recipe of torture for you. I mean, he was texting more than one female. He didn't go out and have a fling, he has been having an active relationship (200+ texts!?) with this woman regardless of what he says.
BUT, I know you have a life invested with this man and probably can't imagine being divorced. So I would suggest counseling before he goes on this job. Otherwise, I'm afraid you're going to be miserable, you're going to drive yourself crazy, and you'll end up believing you're just a crazy jealous wife.
I am in counseling and it is really helping. My husband started the new job yesterday after being out of work for three months. He has had no contact with either "text friend" in over three months but the thought of him staying a few blocks away from the one he had sex with makes me sick! He has apologized numerous times and claims that he made a big mistake that will never be repeated. I want to believe him and I love him very much. There is just a nagging feeling that it could happen again. I know that he would be devastated if I slept with another man and I cant figure out how he could let himself behave like a low life. My husband met the woman and within less than a month he made 40 phone calls, 180 texts and had sex with her (he claims only once). Can you say obsessive? He now claims that he hates this woman and talks about her like she is a nutball. I would have to agree on that since she is hooked on crack and willingly had sex with a married man within days of meeting him. My husband also claimed that she came out of her house in her underwear when he picked her up for their sexual escapade. Well, he is the real idiot for choosing to have anything to do with a dirtbag like that. I guess men do think with their penises!I'm not sure I'd be willing to uproot my career and children to move to another state for a man who was cheating on me.
What a fool to commit adultery against an Investigator!
I know you don't want to be divorced. Most people don't get married with that in mind. But they also don't get married with the mind set that they'll have to some day accept the fact that their spouse slept with someone else. Thats alot to ask of someone. And alot of people say "I'll stay but if it ever happens again, I'm gone." Well my thought about that is, why is the first time any better than the second time? What makes the second time worse? You think he didn't know better the first time? Of course he did.
I dunno...my first insinct here is get a divorce and get your life back. Living a life with a husband you cannot trust is bad enough, but one you cannot trust who lives in another state.. seems like a recipe of torture for you. I mean, he was texting more than one female. He didn't go out and have a fling, he has been having an active relationship (200+ texts!?) with this woman regardless of what he says.
BUT, I know you have a life invested with this man and probably can't imagine being divorced. So I would suggest counseling before he goes on this job. Otherwise, I'm afraid you're going to be miserable, you're going to drive yourself crazy, and you'll end up believing you're just a crazy jealous wife.
I think when most people have affairs it's for way more than just sexual satisfaction. It's something they do to feel good about themselves. And bad as it sounds, some people just get excitement out of sneaking.
Of course he's telling you bad things about her at this point. (she came out in her underwear). But honestly, how do you even know this woman was aware he was married? I'm sure he feels like the more bad he can make you think of her, the more negativity will be deflected from him.
If you're wanting to stick with this, then you're doing all you can do....going to counseling and trying to rebuild trust. THe part that bothers me is why isn't HE in counseling. Perhaps he needs to be doing some figuring out of why he was willing to jeopardize a 20 yr marriage for a fling? What is HE doing to try to rebuild what HE broke?
My husband is set up to be involved in the counseling sessions via speakerphone for half of the session, beginning tomorrow night. I hear what you are saying about the negative comments aimed at the other woman. She knew that he was married because she met him at a support group meeting where he had spilled his guts about being lonely and having some marital problems. I am a recovering alcoholic with many years of sobriety and this is generally considered to be "shopping" if you discuss personal relationship issues at meetings with members of the opposite sex. My husband had relapsed on prescription pills and met the woman at a meeting. He admits that it fed his ego to have a 30 year old woman ask for his phone number and show interest in him. The woman has a lot of problems but I guess he thought that it was OK to have a fling with her. He obviously did not consider the dire consequences. I am trying to keep a level head but if I run into this floozy when I am visiting him in a couple weeks, I may do something that I regret.
All I can say is that it sounds like you're doing what you can to make this work and I hope things work out for you because you deserve happiness. I understand you being angry at her.... but remember it's your husband of 20 years that cheated on you. That woman had no ties to you whatsoever. But he most certainly does.....while they both were at fault, it's he who I'd be the most angry with.
In the end, do what's right for YOU, what makes YOU happy. And know that if that means leaving this marriage and being free from this, you will adjust to it even though I know after 20 years of marriage it seems awfully hard to not have a husband. Keep in mind that things will workout one way or another for you.
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