Unexpected female coworker.

**stressed** · 10-11-2010 01:17 PM

I've posted before about how my partner's job is physically demanding and how he's around "the guys" for 8 hours a day. He talks about the guys a lot and I've met them all. Anyway, as he came back from work today he told me a lot about some changes that are going on at work and at some point he mentioned a woman's name he was considering recommending for something. He hadn't slept in nearly 24 hours so he was very tired and talked a lot.

I was surprised to know he has been working along with a woman at his so physically demanding factory. I calmly asked him about her and he said "she's old, so don't worry about it" (?). He also said she's close with another married coworker of his and he told me how his coworker made a joke with her, after she returned him a key and he asked her if she was breaking up with him.

She's been working there for the last 2-3 months and he says she's very good at her job, even at lifting and other physically demanding posts and he's surprised how good she is despite her age (I didn't ask for a number). I also asked where she undresses, as they all change clothes for work, and he said she has her own place.

Since she's someone he'll recommend he obviously knows a few things about her, but it's unlike him not to talk to me about his coworkers. He always tells me about them every day, what they talked about, what they did and so on. I'm not suspecting an affair or anything of the sort, but wouldn't you be surprised if your guy was keeping a coworker from you, out of a group of seven people, who just happens to be a woman?

I have a funny feeling that I can't explain. There he's been several times complaining how hard his job is and he has a woman doing exactly the same job as him, whom he's going to recommend to stay because she's good at it. Old or not, I can't say I'm comfortable with this. Also, why on earth should I "not worry" just because "she's old'? So what? If she was young I'd have to worry?

**Mes T** · 10-11-2010 08:14 PM

He might not have talked about her before for fear of your reaction.

In a weird way feeling like he has something to hide when he really doesn't.

The age comment, I'd reckon maybe he was a little nervous talking about it and just word-vomited.

Ideally you wouldn't have to give a second thought to this.

**stressed** · 10-11-2010 09:33 PM

He said that he didn't consider it important enough to tell me and he made the comment about the age because "he knows how I react".

I normally wouldn't give it a second thought, but it's hard to fully recover from his past behaviour when he lied to me about serious things. He admits it's his fault for making it hard for me to trust him and he doesn't mind me asking, but I don't want to have any thoughts in the first place.

Maybe I should have the attitude of "let him be and if he lies again I'm out of here" instead. It's really hard to trust someone who's been lying to you for years, no matter how much he changes. And that from a guy who said during the dating stage that what he hates the most in people is lies.

**rcoreyus** · 10-12-2010 02:27 AM

Its normal to have male and female coworkers in all sorts of jobs - so that isn't unusual. It is possible that he senses that you might be concerned, so he didn't mention it. Of course something *could* be going on, but I don't see any obvious sign. I'd drop this issue, you have other much more serious problems with him, and getting into a discussion on this would tend to obscure the real issues.

If he has lied a lot in the past, why wait for him to do it again. If you (with reason) suspect him just for having a female coworker, then you can't trust him and there is no point in staying.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 10-12-2010 06:30 AM

He didn't hire her, right? So no matter what job he works in, he COULD potentially be working with a female. At least in this job you know she's not running around in skirts and heels in front of him (as is the case with lots of other jobs). I understand he has a past of lying, and that you have issues trusting him again.......but honestly, what can he really do about the fact that there's a woman on his team? I'm sure he didn't even think to come home and say "Oh yeah I'm working with a woman now, but don't worry she's old and not hot". But to me, the simple fact that she came up in conversation tells me that he wasn't trying to HIDE her. Perhaps he just knows the issues you two have and figured "why make something out of nothing"??

Maybe she's an old burly she-man woman. lol.

Also, perhaps he just complains about how hard his job is so that you'll feel sorry for him, or be proud of him for working so hard. But just because it's a hard job, doesn't mean there aren't women out there capable of doing it just as well if not better. Look at the US Army and all the women on the front lines.

I agree with rcoreyus. You will not be able to hide your guy from other gals forever. If you can't trust him enough to be put in the situation to even be in the presence of another female on a regular basis, then I think it's really time to rethink being in this relationship. It's a miserable position to be in to have to analyze and worry about every move he makes. I'm not sure anyone is worth that.

**stressed** · 10-12-2010 09:37 PM

Well, what bothered me in this case was:

- He's always been talking about how HARD his job is, how awful, terrible, heavy etc. He's stopped with that for the last month or so and now I can see why. I also told him that since they have a woman there now the guys can't complain any more. He admitted that since she got hired they've stopped complaining. He used to come home every day complaining about back pains, cuts, what a risky job it is, how this and how that. But now when he can see that a woman can do this he's more or less shut up, which only tells me that he's been overreacting about how hard his job is (maybe cruel to think so, but if a woman can do this then no man should complain about the physical aspect of the job, sorry).

- He's the kind of guy who tells me everything about every workmate and coworker, so it was just unusual of him to not mention that they suddenly have a woman working. It has been years since a woman worked there, so it's not exactly common to have a woman working at that post. I don't expect him to not meet women, of course there are women working there and it would be insane of me to expect him not to meet any women, but this is a post that no woman would like to work at. It's not a matter of equal rights, it's a matter of physical abilities.

I don't think about it any longer, but I don't think I was all that wrong for asking him about it. If I was working at a knitting place where 99.9% of my coworkers would be women and suddenly a man joined who's very good at it I just think I'd mention it out of surprise or at least because I'd be impressed by it.

**KMonte85** · 10-13-2010 08:03 AM

I can see how his complaining about how challenging his job is when a woman is there doing the same thing could make you roll your eyes. Truth be told, that would make me wonder just exactly how difficult the job is, physically, as well. But would you consider that this woman could be in pretty good physical shape, perhaps better than your partner? It just came to my mind as I think about the men in my lifting class... They're larger than I am physically, but I can lift heavier weights than they can for longer sets. Just being a woman doesn't mean your always less strong, or less tough... and in addition to her possibly being a strong-woman, this also made me think about the comments you've made about how your guy likes to be taken care of, or kind of coddled a bit... well, how best to get that attention than to talk about how hard his job is? I'm sure it's a very taxing job to have, but he might be laying it on thick for your benenfit, you know?

And as for him not mentioning her in the first place, it was probably as Mes said, he feared how you might react given your past together... you said yourself that he told you "he knows how you react" - and it seems like this bit of information did bother you, exactly what he was trying to avoid. I don't think he was being secretive in any skeevy manner, but really may have been trying to spare you the worry/concern you have about his job, him being around other women, and just how physically challenging the position is...

I think you got it right - not worth thinking about anymore...

**WildChild** · 10-13-2010 08:24 AM

LOL
When I was working in the field it was usually alone but there were occations when we formed a crew. A male friend told me the men worked harder and complained less with a woman working along side them. How 'manly' can they feel moaning about the job when a woman is cheerfully doing it? When things really were too heavy for me (that's why the job required a crew - it was too much for any one or two people of either gender) I would make a point of commenting that this was something that needed some male muscle. We joked about my lack of 'upper body strength'. But they knew that I can do pretty much everything they can and there were times when I showed them easier ways to do things.

**stressed** · 10-14-2010 05:59 AM

But, you know, all this has just made me wonder. If we can do everything by ourselves then why on earth do we need men for? They're hard to be open about sex so we turn to vibrators who last as long as we want them to, when we need to fix something that requires strength we just come up with tools to do it instead, if we want a baby we just go to a sperm bank, I mean, in a way it's sad that we don't need men any longer. It's like we're not just women anymore, we're both, and they lose their role of the "man" in society. Can't say I'm very happy about that... If women can replace men in everything then in 1,000 years there won't be any men left and a world without men sounds boring.

Anyone else feels the same?

**WildChild** · 10-14-2010 06:44 AM

It isn't black or white, either/or. That is highly simplistic thinking. I certainly don't see men as superfluous. Not by any means. For me a toy can never replace the pleasure and connection with a caring man and I enjoy their different approach to things. Men are indeed generally physically stronger and thereby better able to do some things. Just because some of the so called tradtitional gender roles are changing and the lines blurring (did you know that a significant percentage of men can lactate and feed an infant?) doesn't make either gender uneeded. Women and men are meant to act in a complementary fashion.

We all have both feminine and masculine energies that need to be in balance within ourselves. For too long, most religions and cultures have tried to make a balance of each gender being out of balance in a different energy. Then like propping two wobbly tables against each other to stablise them, they have tried to convince us that by having out of balance women prop up out of balance men, things will somehow stay up. A man should be free to have emotions other than anger or pride, a woman should be free to express anger and frustration without resorting to PMS as a justification. Both should be able to openly express love and enjoy the joining of sex and orgasm with the partner of their choice. Each should be able to explore and develop the positive interests that they have. A man who loves to create artistic flower arrangements is no less a man than one who loves to rebuild engines. A woman who loves to rebuild engines doesn't have to be any less feminine than a woman who cuts hair. We should be supporting each other in being all that we are meant to be and able to be, not forcing each other into little boxes.

I was venting a bit to a very aware male friend yesterday about the negativity of toward a woman who enjoys tools and aspects of construction and the comments made to me. And his response was that a woman should be able to be all those things; soft, loving, attractive, use tools, do construction and be all the more worth loving because she is happy in what she does and is. He is right, I was right. I have no wish to see women somehow supplanting men, nor the reverse, but we all need to be free to work together at what best suits each of us.